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Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1745
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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GM coach, the session with the MFT didnt go as plan however

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GM coach, the session with the MFT didn't go as plan however it was profitable to some degree. I did not reveal what I knew about the phone calls. I want to believe there is hope but if I bring that up it will be the end of my marriage because whether she is guilty or not she will stand on the violation of her privacy and that will be the end. I spoke to a male friend who said that I crossed the line by looking at her calls, she's entitled to her privacy.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Good morning, Thomas.

CoachJenK :

you were in my prayers last night. i was hoping all went well. tell me about it.

Customer:

morning

Customer:

Well, I asked the MFT to open in prayer which she did and afterwards she asked the wife what she learned in the past 5 weeks she was away and that led us in a different direction than I was hoping to go in

CoachJenK :

ok and what direction did it take and where did you want to go?

Customer:

I followed the path and ultimately decided to hold my plan for later

CoachJenK :

ok your gut seems to be on target again

Customer:

She focused on her feelings towards me and what has changed in her and how I felt about those changes

CoachJenK :

how have they changed for you in her?

Customer:

She speaks like I had been holding her back for years from being the real her and that's no longer going to happen. She loves me, wants a future with me but doesn't trust me because I looked at her emails...she wants to focus more on the friendship right now and less on the marriage because that is what she feels is more important....she said, "We were great friends before we got married and I just want to get that back!"......the MFT told her that her belief was fantasy....she disagreed!!!

CoachJenK :

and how do you feel about all of that?

Customer:

I feel like she really doesn't want a future with me she just needs a place till she gets a new job and when she does she finally reveal her real agenda that does not include me

CoachJenK :

you said it really well the other day...she wants a marriage but she wants to act single.

CoachJenK :

I hear that as well.

CoachJenK :

glad the MFT does too

Customer:

Yea....I guess I have to stop wishing for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow

CoachJenK :

no that is what makes you special

Customer:

I said to her last night that I feel like my wife died in Spain, because I don't know who you are.....In fact I referred her to my favorite movie "Prelude to a Kiss" with Alec Baldwin & Meg Ryan...Have u seen it?

CoachJenK :

I did but the memory of it escapes me now.

CoachJenK :

would planning a romantic weekend away with each other help at all?

CoachJenK :

no talking of heavy stuff...just reconnection?

CoachJenK :

I only thought of it when you said Spain

Customer:

well I have been trying to make love to her since she has returned and she's just not ready....she said within a week...I said, "I have been waiting 5 weeks while you were away!!"

CoachJenK :

she just keeps making you wait for everything...her terms, her timeline.

CoachJenK :

she really likes to make you pay for things.

Customer:

yes and I am sick of it!!!!!

CoachJenK :

I am so sorry for it.

CoachJenK :

I want to shake her and say wake up you are going to lose a wonderful man.

Customer:

I am feeling like just letting go of possibilities and move on and build something new, secure and emotionally stable

Customer:

...with someone else

CoachJenK :

I hear that but I dont feel like you are truly there yet....I believe you want to see how this plays out for a bit and that is okay.

Customer:

your right

CoachJenK :

I think once you come to the end of your rope with this then yes I see you being able to move and and build something with someone else with mutuality an respect

CoachJenK :

but you are not there and you need to see this through so you can feel totally content with either decision

Customer:

she truly has me spun around with no sense of balance right now...I had a rough night laying next her feeling 50 feet apart and this only day 5 of her return.....last night she was trying to convince me that I am Jealous and insecure and that despite the good times we've had for the last 15+ years it was just laying dormant and it simply took her need for change to bring up and out!!!! I told her this morning, It's like she has a written confession that she has written about all of my faults and how I have made her life miserable and everything that is wrong in our marriage is because of me and she wants me to sign and she can have notarized so that she can present it whenever she wants to put me in check......THAT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!!!!!!!

CoachJenK :

I dont believe she has the capability to look inward and take a share of the responsibilities.

Customer:

I agree, that's why I believe if at when I reveal what I know from her Phone records that it will more than likely be my closing argument in this entire situation

CoachJenK :

it seems so to me as well. Glad you can have that sense about it so you can choose if it is the right way to proceed. In the end it may not even be necessary because these other issues may not get worked out. When is the next mft session?

Customer:

April 19th.....that is like a year away to me right now.....one things for sure is I have to stop looking at her daily phone activity because it is painful to see how she is still obsessed with talking to him.....it makes it hard to fully accept anything she says to me about a future together.

Customer:

but I continue to not be tricked

CoachJenK :

Well for your sake you dont need to look. you know what is there. April 19th is far away I wish it were sooner.

Customer:

into believing lies

Customer:

MFT is on vacation next week

CoachJenK :

And even if your friend believes that you overstepped i believe it happens because you are trying to wrap your mind around your wife can say one thing and do another.

Customer:

Absolutely why I needed to find out.....isn't that why there is a booming Private investigation industry just for cheating spouses?

CoachJenK :

exactly! so go easy on yourself.

Customer:

I am....she keeps saying that my need to understand things becomes an obsession and I lose my mind until I am satisfied even if it destroys others and myself. I have never demonstrated this level of tenacity before about understanding something, but given the importance of what I have been trying to understand I felt justified....

Customer:

sorry if I was wrong

CoachJenK :

It is just a bad cycle of her blaming and you not feeling heard.

CoachJenK :

I dont have a great feeling about this outcome.

Customer:

I have to agree.....I would have to do a major shape shift in order to fit in to her new paradigm !!!!

CoachJenK :

I dont see how that could work long-term...short term any of us can contort in order to sacrifice large pieces of ourselves but in the end it just cant work that way

Customer:

I am coming to grips with that....

CoachJenK :

and that is why I am here...to support you through this as much as possible.

Customer:

Thank You!!!!

CoachJenK :

And I am not going anywhere so as you move through this space you know i am always here.

Customer:

yes, that brings me comfort knowing that you are there for me!!!!!

CoachJenK :

I am glad to give you that comfort.

CoachJenK :

so your task are to breathe...remember that? to listen to your cd's and to be as calm as possible.

CoachJenK :

you must take care of yourself in this process

CoachJenK :

it can be very debilitating

Customer:

I will work harder at taking care of myself.

CoachJenK :

yes please do that as I hear that falling by the wayside a bit

Customer:

yea....I must admit that I had a rough 12 hours and my inner peace CD wasn't around so I struggle through last night!!!!

CoachJenK :

ok well hopefully I have reminded you a bit of reaching out and inward to find that space.

Customer:

yes, you have!!!

Customer:

thanks

CoachJenK :

say a prayer of healing and strength and self love will come

Customer:

I will.....I'll talk 2 u soon!!

CoachJenK :

I look forward to it as always.

Customer:

bye

CoachJenK :

bye for now :-)

Customer:

...for now :)

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1745
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
Coach Jen K. and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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