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Santo B
Santo B, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 83
Experience:  Clinical Social Work
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What would you recommend for me if I still feel insecure with

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What would you recommend for me if I still feel insecure with my common law husband? He cheated on me years ago and ive forgiven him and even talked it out. I dont want to feel like anymore.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Santo B replied 2 years ago.
My name is XXXXX XXXXX X hold a Clinical Master's Degree in Social Work with a focus on Adult Mental Health. I currently provide general Life Coaching.

Hello! I would like to say that I thinks it's very interesting that you pointed out that he is your common law husband. Is that something that bothers you about your relationship with him.

It is very difficult for anyone to deal with a breach of trust in a loving, monogamous, and committed relationship. Trust is something that one must earn, and he broke your trust. What you may want to do is explore the reason why you continue to feel insecure about this indiscretion. Do you think he will do it again? I would take some time to explore some of the reasons why this is bothering you after so many years.

Have you discussed your insecurities and concerns with him. Maybe he would be able to comfort and re-assure you that it was an isolated incident.

Also, his cheating is not about you, it's about him. It is a character defect that he acted upon, and you shouldn't feel that anything you did would cause him to cheat on you. We tend to blame ourselves, or the other person but put very little blame on the person that actually cheated.

I recommend you sit and talk with him about it. Explain what your feeling, and ask him why the indiscretion happened and will it happen again.

I hope this helps, and good luck!

Please feel free to follow up with any questions.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
My insecurity is mainly because he cheated on me with the mother of his daughter. Ive let this issue make me feel like I have to keep trying. Im now the sole provider and get him what he wants. I was never this person. I did talk with him about how exhausted I feel with him and even discussed letting him go just so that I can be who I was before the insecurities. I see hes does everything to show me I can trust him. But even after everything I feel more like his mother and not his better half. I realized im his safety blanket because I dont push him to do anything (work). I dont want be that. Ive addressed to him I want to be equals. Contribute the same as I do. Ive been with him 8 years and I know love him. Im just questioning the kinda of love I have. If moving on is what I need to do, im worried im going to have these issues with all men.
Expert:  Santo B replied 2 years ago.
In every relationship we assume a role. We hope to be equals with the other person, but it seems as though you moved into a mother son role.

Unfortunately, I can't tell you what to do but I think you need to reinforce the fact that you don't want to be his caretaker, and want him to assume the role of the husband and equal in the relationship.

I want to reiterate the fact that his cheating is his inappropriate behavior. You didn't cause him to cheat, and asking him to step up to the plate won't force him to cheat again.

Lastly, do you think you are in love with him or do you just love him. Every relationship evolves but it sounds like the culmination of everything with him not working, plus the past indiscretion has caused a large rift. It sounds like you love him, feel bad for him, and feel responsible for him. He is an adult and should be responsible for himself. Also, it sounds like you have begun to think about ending the relationship. Take some time to think about what would be best for you, and what will meet your needs.

Are you willing to live with a man who is not assuming the role of your equal for another 8 years?

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

That definitely not what I want? I have done some serious thought of ending it. Due to the fact that the cons out weigh the pros. My main fear is loosing what was once my best friend and carry an insecurity with me should I decide to be serious with someone new. I acknowledge a big part of it is letting go of good memories and great relationships I carry with his family. I am scared of being alone. That being said I dont need a man to justify me.

 

Expert:  Santo B replied 2 years ago.
A man doesn't make you the person you are, you make up who you are and are going to be. You need to take time making this decision. Do not be hasty about it. And never end it in a moment of anger. You want to wait for a good moment that you two can sit, talk and maybe make the decision together. You talking to him about leaving may be the turning point for your relationship, and he may seriously take a look at himself and his actions.
Santo B, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 83
Experience: Clinical Social Work
Santo B and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Santo B replied 2 years ago.
Hello! I hope all is well. I wanted to check in and see how you're doing.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

We've talked and he says hes told me any and everything and that he has no secrets. Problems is I still have my doubts. If has told me everything I still feel the same. How do I let go of the past if Ive already forgave him?

 

Expert:  Santo B replied 2 years ago.
I think you made need to seek the help and guidance of a professional counselor. There are underlying issues that cannot be addressed by a venue such as this. If money is an issue, there are many Universities that offer services on a sliding fee scale or at no cost. You may meet with a student, but they are supervised by clinicians. I think this may be what you will need to do.
Santo B, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 83
Experience: Clinical Social Work
Santo B and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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