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Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1759
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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Ive been seeing a 61 year old man, Im 68 for the past few

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I've been seeing a 61 year old man, I'm 68 for the past few months. We have a great time together and I really like him a lot. He is an electrician on a new project and working sometimes 60 hour weeks - he calls usually on a Wednesday to say that he'd like to do something with on the weekend - last weekend was the same but he was involved with projects etc, to do - I wish he would call me more often - sometimes he would call me in the evening to talk and sometimes when he's not to busy at work (standing around waiting for another job to be done so they can get to work) he'll call for a short talk.

I don't feel like I'm very important to him. We are sleeping together and when we first did, I told him "I don't want to share my toys." Which I don't think he is doing - but I still wish he would call more. Any advice on what to do? I don't want to scare him away - I'm indepndent and so is he - But I really like him and would like to keep a relationship, although his main objective is work - he's been out of work for some time and naturally glad to be back making some $ We were going to see each other last weekend, but he laid down for a nap and slept for 12 hours -Is there a way to communicate to him that I would like him to call more often without sounding like I'm putting pressure on him -= He did tell me when I asked what happend to his last relationship he said his work go in the way.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi welcome.

CoachJenK :

It sounds like you have a very nice relationship with this man

Customer:

Any ideas on how to get him to call me more?

CoachJenK :

yes. is there any playfulness in how you relate to each other now?

Customer:

Yes, I make sure that I am always happy to hear from him and make sure that I come across playfully -

CoachJenK :

beautiful...so lets go on that...

CoachJenK :

when you are together next you can say to him something like...honey pie or whatever pet name you call him...can you believe I am 68 and you make me feel so good that I feel like a school girl around you? I love when you call me...I get all giddy inside. I know how busy you are at work and I love that you are, but when you are standing around waiting for the other guys to do what they have to do can you call me even for a quick second just to say hi. It gives me a lighter step...can you do that for me?

Customer:

I just left him a message, it's Wednesday - I was pretty sure that he was at work, I didn't want him to answer because I wanted it to be a playful message so I said that "I just got out of school detention and I missed him and no pressure, but if you're not working this weekend maybe we could get together

CoachJenK :

nice! i love that!

Customer:

I guess I'm afraid to let him know how much I like him, he tells me nice things, but I don't want to scare him off

CoachJenK :

how long has it been that you are seeing each other?

CoachJenK :

and I would imagine if you have been intimate with one another it is no secret that you like him

Customer:

Met him the end of October - For my birthday in December he brought over all the fixings for a steak dinner, wine and a birthday cake - I'll be honest I'm scared of myself, because I do get all twitterpated - and when I thought he was going to make it over last weekend I actually cried when he didn't - yes I agree he must know that I like him - I know it's important that he know I have my own busy life (which is not true) I've gone through a very traumatic time the past year and 1/2 Yikes I'm a 68 year old teenager!!

CoachJenK :

You are making me smile...i love your honesty and openness. It seems to me that the wonderful feelings are mutual between the two of you.

CoachJenK :

you feel for him deeply and that is why you are a 68 year old teenager and truly that is a beautiful thing. I am sorry for any trauma you have experienced that may cause some of this anxiety. But it helps to understand some of your intensity.

Customer:

Sure wish I knew - He's been married x2 and in a relationship for awhile - I think the issue is the "My work got in the way." I wonder if it was the work that got in the way of his other responsibilities - He is staying with his sister for some time now - He says all the time about the work, because he does work every other Saturday that "I'm a whore for the money" and of course I understand that, gotta make hay while the sun shines, but why did he used to call in the pm and then can't take the time to say hello - except when work has stopped and he has a minute - he has told me that he fell asleep in his recliner holding his meal - I make myself sick

CoachJenK :

I think because you have strong feelings for him this anxiety and reading into things is making you feel unsteady. So, I want you to practice some self talk to remind yourself to take things as they come and let things unfold in their natural way. that does not mean you shouldnt advocate for your needs such as I said above..being silly...acknowledging your giddyness and let him know you hope he isnt scared off.

CoachJenK :

the other option is you remain quiet...not great for you...and just play the wait and see...but you are tied up in knots because of your feelings for him.

CoachJenK :

can you let him come to you a bit?

Customer:

Perhaps you are right, it probably is the anxiety - my only daugher who was my whole life and her beautiful family - I was devoted to them - she is now drug addicted (both of her boys were sent to Catholic school - the oldest one is the class president and will be graduating in May - State Championship in wrestling, 4.0 GPA dozens of accolades - lead of the Youth Group at church. etc. etc. So maybe it is the anxiety of losing her and then the close contact I had with her little family

CoachJenK :

cinjure up that independent woman?

Customer:

How do I have him come to me a bit?

CoachJenK :

My goodness I am so sorry to hear of that. It is devastating and it absolutely is playing into this for you.

CoachJenK :

give yourself some self love here...you are suffereing and any hint of someone not being there for you is terribly frightening

CoachJenK :

How do you make him come to you? Be your wonderful self...be independent...shower him when you are together and let some air in when you are apart.

Customer:

The strain of trying to save my daughter - searching for her at motel 6, etc. etc., caused me to lose about 40 lbs. I would throw up in the wastebasket at work and had constant bowel problems - In the end in April I was let go from my job that I loved and made a good salary - My boss was gone for a meeting, so I knew I had enough time to go find my daughter's check for her, she was staying with me after she left her home. My boss came back from the meeting early and I wasn't there and he left a note that I should see him and I fell apart and more or less fired myself before I thought he was going to

CoachJenK :

I am sending you so much support and care right now...I hope you can feel it.

CoachJenK :

You have been through so much.

Customer:

I wonder if I need some kind of medication - My Dr. prescribed Wellbutrin to help me stop smoking, but it didn't work I'm still chain smoking - but maybe it may help my anxiety

CoachJenK :

I would also consider maybe going to talk with someone....you deserve that support.

CoachJenK :

And then you can have a proper evaluation for medication.

Customer:

Right now, I am shaking and on the verge of crying

CoachJenK :

lets slow down then and just breathe...can you do that for me?

Customer:

yup I shall try - I have gotten thru the worst part of the family disaster, but it appears that I still have not recovered - and probably never will - many people are truly suffering, and I remind myself of that so that I can put it in perspective - It seemed like such nice timing to meet him just when I was more or less able to stand on my feet, but that time, it had been a year and I went out with my girlfriend to the neighborhood bar, which I never go to, nor have been before, and that's where we met - it was an instant attraction. I know I would feel better if I had a little more concrete feeling in the relationship with him - but how to get there is the million dollar question. My sister doesn't want me to waste time on him if we can't plan to go on a trip, etc. I should take "my cute self" out and meet someone else. I feel that I would rather have 10% of him than 100% of some one else

CoachJenK :

I understand all of your feelings. If you feel strong enough to share your feelings for him with him then I think that can be great...doesn't have to be said in a way that is scary or off-putting. but at least you can have a sense as to where he is on things...maybe it would help withe the anxiety to know what he feels one way or the other.

CoachJenK :

If that feels to scary then continue to let things unfold and take care of yourself. Would you like me to help you locate a counselor for you to talk to?

Customer:

I will look at my insurance papers and see who I can find - I don't think I want to burden him with any of this at this point - One of my younger friends said that I must think like a man - be as wonderful as I can be when he is here, make him comfortable when he is with me and don't put my expectations on him - That's worked so far - he does come back :) I never chide him for not calling - I've been pretending to be very busy recently so he doesn't think that I have no life at all, but of course he knows I'm not working, thinks I'm retired :) I haven't told any of that to him, but he knows that my daughter is now drug addicted

CoachJenK :

Ok well that is what I suggested above as well when you asked about him coming to you...so i am in good company with your friend. :-) Be your wonderful self, shower him when you are together and cultivate that independent woman in you.

CoachJenK :

and enjoy the moment...each and every one of them

CoachJenK :

go out and find some stuff that interests you and get involved.

Customer:

Well, I will even if I'm pretending at this point about my indepdence:) I don't want him to move in or me with him - I just hate this twitterpated feeling - crying for God's sake!! But after our talk I can see that the after effects of my daughter has colored my thinking and emotionally weakened me. I am working on doing some volunteer work - I do need a job, but don't know if I can handle much of anything that I used to do (legal secretary) I know I can't take any stress at all at this point. I will fill out the paperwork for the volunteer work

CoachJenK :

Take small steps and be easy on yourself. It will all work out how it is supposed to. you have been through a lot so you need some time to breathe and just be.

CoachJenK :

You can come back to me here at anytime...all you have to do is request me to get me directly.

Customer:

okie dokie as they say!! Let us end our conversation and put some things in action - hopefully he'll call tonight - good to know I will ask for you. Thank you Jen. My name is Abby

CoachJenK :

My pleasure Abby. sending prayers to you. Please click accept if I have been helpful and ask for CoachJenK anytime.

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1759
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
Coach Jen K. and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
Hi Abby,
I am checking in on you to see how you are doing. you are in my thoughts and i hope all is well for you.
Jen
CoachJenK

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