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Santo B
Santo B, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 86
Experience:  Clinical Social Work
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My girlfriend of 1.8 yrs sometimes disappears for weeks (2-8)

Customer Question

My girlfriend of 1.8 yrs sometimes disappears for weeks (2-8) without returning calls or texts when we quarrel. This has happened three times already in the relationship. I have given her an ultimatum that the next time this happens, I'm going to breakup with her, but this was met with more silence. I had proposed to her in Feb and she accepted, but because I was yet to ask her dad formally, we decided to hold off wearing the ring until I did (dad is in different country and abandoned her at age 8 for 14 years)
What do you think?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Santo B replied 5 years ago.
My name is Santo and I hold a Clinical Master's Degree in Social Work with a focus on Adult Mental Health. I currently provide general Life Coaching.

Hello! I need a little more info. When you say "What do you think?" What are you asking? Are you asking whether I think its a good idea that you have proposed to her, or about the father's permission to wed his daughter?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
No, I think her behavior is symptomatic of something deeper, not just maturity level. i'm worried I may have the wrong girl here.
Expert:  Santo B replied 5 years ago.
Well, unfortunately I can't tell you if you have the wrong or right girl. I am concerned about these bouts of time that go by when you and her fight. After reconciling, do you ever discuss what happens during her absence. You may want to discuss with her the reasons why she leaves.

Behavior is normally learned during and throughout childhood and adolescents. It seems she mimics what has happened to her in the past. I do believe that this "running away" is directly connected to her past and childhood.

To answer your question, you will have to look deep inside yourself and determine whether you will be able to deal with this behavior later on in your life. You may want to think ahead. For example, what would happened if she left and you had children, a house, responsibilities, and a demanding career.

People can change, but normally the change is slow and a person must seek professional guidance to learn the skills needed to deal with underlying issues.

So, the easiest way for you to figure this out is to take some time, and really think about what you want for your future. What needs will you have that must be met? Will she meet those needs in the future?

Make a Pros/Cons list and be as objective as possible. Marriage is a humongous commitment that should not be entered into lightly.

Lastly, you need to discuss with her that you are very unsure of this engagement and that you need time to think about what will satisfy your needs and wants. Ultimatums normally just make people more resentful, and will attribute to more of the unwanted behavior.

I wish you luck. Please ask additional questions if need be.
Expert:  Santo B replied 5 years ago.
I wanted to check and see if my response was helpful. If so, please press accept.

Thanks.