Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you.
This is just very sad and painful nobody should be betrayed under any circumstance.
It is obvious you gave everything you were and had to this person and relationship while he was not doing the same, but betraying you, the worst thing any person could experience being loving, respectful and caring, as it appears you were.
You have been grieving since then the love you treasured and nurtured for years, while the person who was supposedly loving you back did not deserve you at all.
thank you for your empathy with regards XXXXX XXXXX Yes that's how it feels. Unfortunately, I just don't know what to do with all these feelings. I'm a bit dismayed that after nearly 3 years the pain hasn't even eased slightly. and am worried that this pain is going to stop me moving forward and being happy. which seems very unfair!
I can see from your words how you actually felt and believed he was your soul mate and the person to be with you for a life time, and coming to terms with the fact that he was not being even honest nor respectful towards you cannot hurt more.
What has happened is that you have built a relationship within yourself based on real love, caring and support while in reality he was not doing the same, so you were attaching to your expectations, hopes and what you were offering and believed he way sharing with you at that time and for your future together, that’s why when you faced reality, it was that shocking, and since they this tough to move on.
Your intellectual mind knows what happened but your heart stills remains stuck. There is where the block is.
Have you tried to work on yourself with professional psychotherapy support all these years to cope with it and heal?
not really. however, it has reached a point where i think i might need to.
i think it's hard because when i met him i was at such a low ebb, so i struggle to remember being happy before him.
What happens, as I previously stated, is that even when your mind tells you something about reality, emotionally we keep so attached to the reality we built and believed in for so long, that we cannot move on unless radical changes were implemented at that emotional level. This is why psychotherapy is so necessary.
Then your neediness for love and sharing at that time and he playing such role made of it the powerful experience it was leading to keep attached and stuck even after realizing what was going on.
this really makes sense to me.
He symbolized relief, hope, love, sharing, protection, fulfillment and all those things we long for so much and that we project on those we love and care for. The problem is that whenever this happen with those who do not deserve nor reciprocate it, we get fooled and truly hurt.
This person does not deserve you at all, he cannot be your soul mate because he was not even able to be truly honest and caring about you and your feelings. What you are grieving more than this person is everything you built around what this person represented in your life, all the expectations you built around him. It is inside you, it is not him who has the power to make things fine and renewed for you in your life. It is only you.
Working on yourself at that deep level and taking I into consistent action in life with professional support, with the right tools, you would be able to realize all these things at a deeper level, so for you to liberate yourself from the illusion fueled for so long.
so what you're saying is that I need to realise that he was not worthy of these kinds of feelings. because to be honest, i thought of him (by the way he acted) to be such a good person. And yes it was all a massive shock because - i never expected it to happen. i have been hurt in other relationships but never as badly as this because i knew that the people i was with weren't really good people, so letting them go was kind of a relief. I genuinely never expected this guy to hurt me. he seemed so gentle and kind and to love me a lot. what hurts now is when he tries to be nice to me because he feels guilty. i actually think it makes it worse.
Pushing it back has not helped because the root illusion was still behind every effort you made, fooling yourself trying to adjust yourself to his ego while hoping he would take you back. Hey this is the person who betrayed you and everything between you! You do not need to change to please his ego, you need to work on respecting, loving and truly caring about yourself. Learning to become your best companion, friend and lover would allow you not to waste time with losers neither to expose to any form or abuse nor neglect.
Without real and total honesty so real respect and caring, there is no way a person could offer any true affection and sharing, but it would imply fooling the other creating an illusion that sooner or later would vanish like it happened to you. Obviously he was not a mature person nor sensitive enough since he did what he did, but I do think it was better for things to end that painfully at that time than for you to waste your time and life with a person who did not deserve you at all.
Please reflect on my words and look for professional psychotherapy to truly work on yourself at this level. I feel hopeful you would be able to heal and grow wiser and stronger from this experience and create and promote real and fulfilling ones.
Thank you very much for your insights. it's been really helpful. I have been stuck for a long time but you've definitely given me some new things to think about and work with :)
Thank you for allowing me to share with you. I am glad I was useful. Please take gentle care and consistent action and feel free to contact me as necessary since I will be here to support you.
Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX nice day.
in relation to the situation answered above, the wonder if I can ask further for further guidance, because I am still really struggling with these feelings at the moment.
How can I get on with my life in the meantime, whilst I'm doing the best I can to recover from this experience and change my thinking about it? It is interfering with my ability to be happy, thinking about him out there with somebody else.
I feel as though an injustice has been done to me and I think I am waiting for him to approach me again and make things better? In other words, the harsh reality of - 'face it it's over' just isn't seeping in for me. I know the theory, I know after 3 years I should be ok, but because of the exremely strong tie I have to this person it just isn't happening. I feel like I'm waiting for, expecting some kind of justice. But what if it doesn't happen? What if they have kids and lead a happy life together and I have to live with this pain forever, gradually getting more and more lines on my face and going on substandard dates with guys who are nice but I know aren't him, aren't the one. I know this sounds a bit melodramatic! But honestly this is part of what worries me...
I am waking up at night with starts, and going to work with a pointless ' what's the use' feeling. I keep trying out ideas, hobbies, something to take my mind off it but nothing seems to quitegive me the same feeling as the friendship. All the feelings are so bottled up, feel immense pressure building up inside. Would talk to a friend but am worried that what I have said will get fed back to him and I don't want him to know how much I am suffering.
I also find it difficult because sometimes he contacts me and it stirs up my feelings, or he will message me to say hi and then disappears as though his current girlfriend walks into the room. I feel confused by these things and maybe they indicate to me that he isn't so certain about the choice he has made after all. Nevertheless, he has made it and I can't be sure how he feels which leaves me feeling unhappy.
I am not initiaing ANY contact with him because I know that it is wrong, I am also avoiding the birthdays and events with mutual friends because I know he will be there and it isn't good for me to see him. I feel like I am doing everything I am supposed to do. Doing the right things. Doing my 'bit' if you like. Seeing him will give me false hope that isn't there and for about a week after I'll be half waiting for him to call me and it won't happen.
If I was a more selfish woman who got what I wanted (ike her!) I would just contact him anyway, try and railroad over his current living situation like his current girlfriend snached him from mine. But I don't want to do that becase I'm a good person and if he comes back to me, I want it to be because he's decided to, not because another pushy female has made a decision for him and he's just gone along with the easiest option. Maybe she isn't pushy, maybe he truly wants to be with her 100% but the mixed vibes I've got from him and comments of a mutual friend have led be to believe that in some way he is still not letting go of me, in the same way that I can't let go of him. But without finding out what he actually feels and thinks right now I can't be sure.
But there just doesn't seem to be any justice to what happened to me. What will it take to feel clean and new and renwed again and not carrying around pain of past? It's been seven yearssince we first met. I was 18 and like I said before, not in a very happy place when he first became such an important person in my life. Now I'm 25 and I feel very regretful about everything and as though I will never know pure happiness again because I've got so much regret about so many things from the last 6 years. So many bad choices. I wish I would've just held onto him and worked at our relationship.
Psychotherapy is the best known source of professional support for you to work on yourself, life issues, coping and everything related to yourself. This is even more necessary if we consider you have been stuck with this issue for years without getting any better.
Please, do face reality. If you keep hoping for people like him to suddenly transform themselves and meet your dreams while denying reality, you could continue to suffer for more years fooling yourself instead of taking good care of your life and experiencing it at its fullest in healthy and assertive ways.
As long as you keep pushing you to believe he is your “soul mate”, wasting your life into such an illusion, there is no way not to feel depressed and get even worse. This is an addiction, thus self-sabotage is obvious where you perpetuate undermining your life attaching to something that does not exist. Here the main issue is not him not being honest –which is a problem for sure. The core issue is you keep trying to deny reality, expecting this person to play in your life a role and become a person he his not. He is living his life and enjoying it. You need to do the same, and if you find unable to do it, then you need to come to terms with the fact that you need professional support, otherwise I do not see how you could be and feel better,
I see you are doing a lot here to make things better but not getting to feel better. This is why I seriously recommend professional counseling. You need this support, you deserve to feel better, then you need to learn better tools that would allow you to make this work inside yourself and experience reality in more assertive ways.
Happiness is not something you get from another person, nobody could give that to you. You need to work on creating it from inside yourself instead of longing for somebody to “make you happy” in that way. Please read about codependency and besides of individual psychotherapy I recommend attending support group on codependency.
You deserve and need to be happy. Please work on yourself to create this happiness within you depending on you and not on anybody else.