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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hello Im a 25 year old female and about 2 and a half years

Resolved Question:

Hello
I'm a 25 year old female and about 2 and a half years ago I had my heart broken in a big way. The guy I met and fell in love with when I was 18, who has always been there, met someone else and kept the relationship a secret until I figured out myself what was going on. It was and still is agony. This guy is my soul mate, he is on my wavelength, he makes me laugh and we always shared everything together. Since then, I have tried in so many and various ways to get over him. I've tried cutting him out of my friend list (we were always friends before anyway), but I just felt sadder, I tried putting up a front (acting all strong and tough - one of the reasons he told me that it could never work is that he said that we were both 'weak' people and that he needed a strong woman.) This haunts me that he would say this and since then I have been trying so hard to be strong and reinvent myself so that I'll be the woman he wants. He once said to me,'I do love you and want to be with you, but I want it to be a stable you.' Ever since then, I've been trying so hard. Now he's moved in with this other girl and I can only assume it's happy. I've launched into other relationships, flirtations with guys, only to find out that they are bad news, I always come back to him in my heart.
I just can't get used to the idea of him not being there - and I can't imagine meeting anyone I love more. We were best friends. And still now, sometimes I come into contact with him and it hurts so much. Especially when he is nice to me. I just don't know what it's going to take for me to get over him. Sometimes I feel angry that all this has happened - that he strang me along, and that he's happy with this girl and I'm miserable. It seems so unfair, he misled me and told me that he loved me. I am rapidly losing confidence. Every other guy I meet seems to be a loser! Please help!
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Rafael Morales Toia :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you.

Rafael Morales Toia :

This is just very sad and painful nobody should be betrayed under any circumstance.


 

Rafael Morales Toia :

It is obvious you gave everything you were and had to this person and relationship while he was not doing the same, but betraying you, the worst thing any person could experience being loving, respectful and caring, as it appears you were.

Rafael Morales Toia :

You have been grieving since then the love you treasured and nurtured for years, while the person who was supposedly loving you back did not deserve you at all.

Customer:

thank you for your empathy with regards XXXXX XXXXX Yes that's how it feels. Unfortunately, I just don't know what to do with all these feelings. I'm a bit dismayed that after nearly 3 years the pain hasn't even eased slightly. and am worried that this pain is going to stop me moving forward and being happy. which seems very unfair!

Rafael Morales Toia :

I can see from your words how you actually felt and believed he was your soul mate and the person to be with you for a life time, and coming to terms with the fact that he was not being even honest nor respectful towards you cannot hurt more.

Rafael Morales Toia :

Absolutely!

Rafael Morales Toia :

What has happened is that you have built a relationship within yourself based on real love, caring and support while in reality he was not doing the same, so you were attaching to your expectations, hopes and what you were offering and believed he way sharing with you at that time and for your future together, that’s why when you faced reality, it was that shocking, and since they this tough to move on.

Rafael Morales Toia :

Your intellectual mind knows what happened but your heart stills remains stuck. There is where the block is.

Rafael Morales Toia :

Have you tried to work on yourself with professional psychotherapy support all these years to cope with it and heal?

Customer:

not really. however, it has reached a point where i think i might need to.

Customer:

i think it's hard because when i met him i was at such a low ebb, so i struggle to remember being happy before him.

Rafael Morales Toia :

What happens, as I previously stated, is that even when your mind tells you something about reality, emotionally we keep so attached to the reality we built and believed in for so long, that we cannot move on unless radical changes were implemented at that emotional level. This is why psychotherapy is so necessary.

Rafael Morales Toia :

Then your neediness for love and sharing at that time and he playing such role made of it the powerful experience it was leading to keep attached and stuck even after realizing what was going on.

Customer:

this really makes sense to me.

Rafael Morales Toia :

He symbolized relief, hope, love, sharing, protection, fulfillment and all those things we long for so much and that we project on those we love and care for. The problem is that whenever this happen with those who do not deserve nor reciprocate it, we get fooled and truly hurt.

Rafael Morales Toia :

This person does not deserve you at all, he cannot be your soul mate because he was not even able to be truly honest and caring about you and your feelings. What you are grieving more than this person is everything you built around what this person represented in your life, all the expectations you built around him. It is inside you, it is not him who has the power to make things fine and renewed for you in your life. It is only you.

Rafael Morales Toia :

Working on yourself at that deep level and taking I into consistent action in life with professional support, with the right tools, you would be able to realize all these things at a deeper level, so for you to liberate yourself from the illusion fueled for so long.

Customer:

so what you're saying is that I need to realise that he was not worthy of these kinds of feelings. because to be honest, i thought of him (by the way he acted) to be such a good person. And yes it was all a massive shock because - i never expected it to happen. i have been hurt in other relationships but never as badly as this because i knew that the people i was with weren't really good people, so letting them go was kind of a relief. I genuinely never expected this guy to hurt me. he seemed so gentle and kind and to love me a lot. what hurts now is when he tries to be nice to me because he feels guilty. i actually think it makes it worse.

Rafael Morales Toia :

Pushing it back has not helped because the root illusion was still behind every effort you made, fooling yourself trying to adjust yourself to his ego while hoping he would take you back. Hey this is the person who betrayed you and everything between you! You do not need to change to please his ego, you need to work on respecting, loving and truly caring about yourself. Learning to become your best companion, friend and lover would allow you not to waste time with losers neither to expose to any form or abuse nor neglect.

Rafael Morales Toia :

Without real and total honesty so real respect and caring, there is no way a person could offer any true affection and sharing, but it would imply fooling the other creating an illusion that sooner or later would vanish like it happened to you. Obviously he was not a mature person nor sensitive enough since he did what he did, but I do think it was better for things to end that painfully at that time than for you to waste your time and life with a person who did not deserve you at all.

Rafael Morales Toia :

Please reflect on my words and look for professional psychotherapy to truly work on yourself at this level. I feel hopeful you would be able to heal and grow wiser and stronger from this experience and create and promote real and fulfilling ones.

Customer:

Thank you very much for your insights. it's been really helpful. I have been stuck for a long time but you've definitely given me some new things to think about and work with :)

Rafael Morales Toia :

Thank you for allowing me to share with you. I am glad I was useful. Please take gentle care and consistent action and feel free to contact me as necessary since I will be here to support you.

Customer:

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX nice day.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hi,

in relation to the situation answered above, the wonder if I can ask further for further guidance, because I am still really struggling with these feelings at the moment.

 

How can I get on with my life in the meantime, whilst I'm doing the best I can to recover from this experience and change my thinking about it? It is interfering with my ability to be happy, thinking about him out there with somebody else.

 

I feel as though an injustice has been done to me and I think I am waiting for him to approach me again and make things better? In other words, the harsh reality of - 'face it it's over' just isn't seeping in for me. I know the theory, I know after 3 years I should be ok, but because of the exremely strong tie I have to this person it just isn't happening. I feel like I'm waiting for, expecting some kind of justice. But what if it doesn't happen? What if they have kids and lead a happy life together and I have to live with this pain forever, gradually getting more and more lines on my face and going on substandard dates with guys who are nice but I know aren't him, aren't the one. I know this sounds a bit melodramatic! But honestly this is part of what worries me...

 

I am waking up at night with starts, and going to work with a pointless ' what's the use' feeling. I keep trying out ideas, hobbies, something to take my mind off it but nothing seems to quitegive me the same feeling as the friendship. All the feelings are so bottled up, feel immense pressure building up inside. Would talk to a friend but am worried that what I have said will get fed back to him and I don't want him to know how much I am suffering.

 

I also find it difficult because sometimes he contacts me and it stirs up my feelings, or he will message me to say hi and then disappears as though his current girlfriend walks into the room. I feel confused by these things and maybe they indicate to me that he isn't so certain about the choice he has made after all. Nevertheless, he has made it and I can't be sure how he feels which leaves me feeling unhappy.

 

I am not initiaing ANY contact with him because I know that it is wrong, I am also avoiding the birthdays and events with mutual friends because I know he will be there and it isn't good for me to see him. I feel like I am doing everything I am supposed to do. Doing the right things. Doing my 'bit' if you like. Seeing him will give me false hope that isn't there and for about a week after I'll be half waiting for him to call me and it won't happen.

 

If I was a more selfish woman who got what I wanted (ike her!) I would just contact him anyway, try and railroad over his current living situation like his current girlfriend snached him from mine. But I don't want to do that becase I'm a good person and if he comes back to me, I want it to be because he's decided to, not because another pushy female has made a decision for him and he's just gone along with the easiest option. Maybe she isn't pushy, maybe he truly wants to be with her 100% but the mixed vibes I've got from him and comments of a mutual friend have led be to believe that in some way he is still not letting go of me, in the same way that I can't let go of him. But without finding out what he actually feels and thinks right now I can't be sure.

 

But there just doesn't seem to be any justice to what happened to me. What will it take to feel clean and new and renwed again and not carrying around pain of past? It's been seven yearssince we first met. I was 18 and like I said before, not in a very happy place when he first became such an important person in my life. Now I'm 25 and I feel very regretful about everything and as though I will never know pure happiness again because I've got so much regret about so many things from the last 6 years. So many bad choices. I wish I would've just held onto him and worked at our relationship.

 

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.
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