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Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1814
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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Hi, I have asked this question already to one of your concellors

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Hi, I have asked this question already to one of your concellors on site however I need further information and would appreciate a response.
I dated this guy for 6 weeks and we met 3 times. On 2 occasions he cancelled and stated that the first time was because he had to assist a family member which could not be delayed and the 2nd time because he was at risk of losing his job if he did not deal with an urgent issue at work. He informed me that he was unhappy in his job and that he was having difficulties finantially with his ex partner which was also making him miserable. For the first time I had met a guy whom listened me about my worries etc and I supported him. He was kind and thoughful however when he cancelled meeting me on the 2nd occasion and I doubted his reason. I told him that I could not get hurt again if he disappointed me hence I would have to cease contact with him. Truth was I am insecure and I was protecting myself from getting hurt. I thought the reason he cancelled was because he did not want to see me again and it was a lame excuse for not telling me the truth however in between those times we did meet up again. Last Saturday I spoke firmly to him and said that I would cease contact and he said "that he did not blame me for this" however he did not want to end things with me". He stated that he wanted to see me again but I'm not so sure now as I text him yesterday "A I am sorry if put pressure on you into meeting me and I genuinely hope things improve for you". There has been no response. I should have trusted his word and have possibly ended something that =had the potential to be good. I want to speak to him and explain but have a fear that he will reject me by not answering the phone or fob me off. What do I do?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

hi welcome

CoachJenK :

I commend you ability to see your insecurities....that is a great step in the right direction. I can hear that you like him very much and it seems he likes you too. I might send him an email acknowledging again how you are sorry you pressured him and doubted him and look forward to connecting with him again. At that point you have done what you can and then some space should be given. he is aware how you feel but it is quite possible he is going through all o those things and doesn't have the ability to give to a relationship now and it may have nothing to do with you. So, in the meantime focus on you and your likes and desires and hopefully he reaches back out.

Customer:

Hi CoachJen,

CoachJenK :

Hi. welcome.

Customer:

My apologies but I require further advice from you please. I left it a week and text the guy to see how he was and had worked improved. He replied "and said that work had not improved towards the end of the week, but asked how I was". I asked him "had I put pressure on him in meeting up last weekend to which he "replied " you did not put pressure on me however I mean't everything I said". He repled also " I just cannot be at 2 places at once!". I replied " I am glad that you and me are alright and hoped he had a good wkd" to which I got no reply. I am now thinking that he mean't "he was telling thr truth to the reason he cancelled our meeting up but this did not include that me and him were alright>?Whay am I so anxious about this. Please give me your opion on this as I have discussed this with my sister who advises to hang in there for another week and ring him as too soon would look desperate.

CoachJenK :

No worries about needing more. You ask why are you anxious? Its because you like him and that is okay.

CoachJenK :

I am just not sure that he is able to give you what you deserve as he has a lot going on right now

CoachJenK :

he knows how to reach you and i might let him come to you and if he doesnt then you will know where you stand.

CoachJenK :

nothing wrong with sending the texts you did.

Customer:

Yeah possibly you are right, I really cannot do anymore. Do you think your gut feeling pus you in the right direction?

CoachJenK :

You have done so much and you deserve the mutuality and respect coming back to you. If he is able to step up that will be great but continuing to call him doesnt let you know whether he is interested.

CoachJenK :

my gut is that he is dealing with his own stuff now and may not be capable of giving to anyone

CoachJenK :

no reflection on you but more about him

Customer:

I don't feel I am getting the respect at present from him at present. A text during the week if he was serious would have mean't so much and reasurred me but I don't think this is the case. Yes it is a refelction on him. He told e that he has been engaged twice on 4 years but could never go through with it fo fera of commitment.

Customer:

go through with the fear of commitment.

CoachJenK :

oyyyy well that is telling. you need more my friend...he runs when he likes!

CoachJenK :

lets focus your energies elsewhere so that you can be with someone who can give it all to you

Customer:

And he told me that he likes me and I never thoguht of it like that.

Customer:

Wow you have just enlightened me

CoachJenK :

I did? tell me.

CoachJenK :

Love when I do that. :-)

Customer:

I am very conscious of taking your time up but I have one more question if possible please?

CoachJenK :

no worries....you are not taking up my time. I am here with you and that is my focus. Ask away.

Customer:

Last Fri again I accidenticently sent a text to a guy called Ciaran instead of my work colleague named Ciara. This guy is someone who hurt me just after the holida period this year. I told him that I was going to adaopt a child and wanted a family like him, however I thoguth he wss only interested in one thing as he cancelled our dates twice. He asked how I was and all the small talk etc. I asked him why he did what he did to whih he responded " I told you the reasons why but you just got mad". I replied " Ciaran all you have done is let me down, I really liked you and there was an emotional connection there for me". He replied "I'm sorry for doing that , ok". I said fine. He asked if I was seeing anyone to which I replied no as I did not want him knowing my business. He replied that " he was seeing someone for the past month but was sure if he and this girl were suited". I replied " give her a chance but do not lead her on also". He replied " do you think I treat people bad and I would not do that ot her". I replied " don't hurt her like you did me". He asked if he could see me to which I replied " no not whe your seeing someone else but also the trust has gone". He replied " so you don't trust me". I replied " really hard to know Ciaran". He asked "if he could see me as friends for a drink next week". I replied " I am working in your area so we can meet for a coffe and that is all it will ever be". He replied "fine, I'll ring you during the week and arrange a meet up". I replie fine, chat then". Yesterday mroning he sent me a text to say hi. I replied that it was good we cleared the air yesterday. He replied "yeah it really was and your lovely xxx". I am just sincere and honest Ciaran, that's all". End pof converastion.

Customer:

I went ot with this guy twcie in 3 years, what does this sound like to you Jen?

CoachJenK :

reading and absorbing

Customer:

Yeah al ot to take to take in, many thanks

CoachJenK :

seems like another one who gives when they can but that it isnt too much. The drink isnt harmful unless you believe it will stir up to much for you and end up bringing up old feelings of hurt

Customer:

No it wouldn't bring up old feelings of hurt because my protection is that he is seeing someone and I have high enough morals and conscious to never enter anything with a guy who is involved. When you say another guy who gives when they can but that it isn't too much. What do you mean by that?

CoachJenK :

exactly meaning that they only give when it works for them but that is not mutuality and for any relationship to work there must be mutuality.

Customer:

Ok fair enough, thanks.I don't expect to hear from him so I won't waste energy thinking about him. At one point I did really miss him and wanted things to work. He told me that I did mean somehting to him but I said yeah "you were never willing to talk" and that's all I ever wanted. Maybe we could have worked through it but you didn';t give us that chance. Again he said that he was sorry. May be I got what I wanted to tell him and that's all it was ever mean't to be?

CoachJenK :

I am glad you were able to speak your mind as that is what you need. This other guy wont let you do it so at least you got it with this one. I am looking forward to when you write me to say....Jen, I met this wonderful man, we talk, we laugh, he appreciates me..he calls me, we love, we smile!

CoachJenK :

It will happen.

CoachJenK :

That is my Easter wish for you!

Customer:

Thank you so much for just reading and giving feedback which was honest. Even though we are strangers if I meet somone soon I will deflet you know about this so called great guy. I have to beleive and be positive. Many thanks. Easter belssings to you too. You do great work and I will now accept and promise payment. All the best, Ann.

CoachJenK :

Thank you Ann. It iw my pleasure to support you. I wish you many blessings and I am here for you anytime. As you know all you have to do is request me. I do look forward. Keep walking tall!

Customer:

I will and my eyes are teary now for you kind words,

CoachJenK :

good tears I hope! You are a lovely woman. Dont let anyone rob you of that feeling.

Customer:

I won't, thank you and bye bye for present.

CoachJenK :

my pleasure.

Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1814
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
Coach Jen K. and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Jen,

 

As foolish as it is I am going to try and reach Alan one more time. I want to send a text to him tonight and say the following "Alan, I would like us to sort things out, however if I don' hear from you then I'll know were finished and just wish him and his daughter well".

 

How does his sound?

Ann.

Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
Hi Ann,
I will always be where you are so if you feel that you want to do this, then I support you and am here to support you whatever the outcome of the text is. How does that sound to you?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I think I need your truthful opinon on this. It is foolish?

 

Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
When it comes to matters of the heart I truthfully don't judge something as foolish...I look at it in a way of what is going to make you feel best. So, if it feels right for you to send him a text and you need to do that because your heart is telling you that, then how can I label that as foolish? I see it as following your heart. If the outcome isn't what you desire then we can process that. But, I have not seen anything in your behavior that leads me to think you are being foolish. You like him and want to see where it can go. If he tells you he doesnt want anything, then yes it is time to let go and move on.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thank you so much, as that is exactly what I was hoping for. If he responds and says not interested or does not respond, then that is a sign that it is finished and then I will have closure without losing any self respect.

 

Many thanks Jen and I'll inform you of the outcome.

 

Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
No loss of self respect when you are being open with your feelings...I am all for that. I wish you luck with it and please let me know.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hi Jen,

 

Well to be fair he did reply promtly and said "were finished" and now there is closure.

 

Thanks again.

Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
I am sorry for that outcome as I know you wanted a different one. Take the time to feel what you feel and grieve what you need to so that you can move on and open your heart to someone else in time.
Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1814
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
Coach Jen K. and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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