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Howard Wise
Howard Wise, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 650
Experience:  Counseling with a compassionate ear and a loving heart.
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Im married and I have been since before I graduated high school.

Resolved Question:

I'm married and I have been since before I graduated high school. He is a wonderful father and person I love him, but I'm not "in" love with him. We seperated for a little while, and the kids were so torn up that I decided it be best to come back. I had mentioned to him about an open marriage and he said we could talk but he didn't want it for him. I am torn between the stability for my kids and for me to have a relationship that is great
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Howard Wise replied 2 years ago.
Hi, this is Howard,

This is a tricky problem. I've got some questions:

How old are your kids?

How old are you?

When you think of a great relationship how do you picture it?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

We have 4 kids 18, 16, 10,& 5 yo. I am 36 been married for 19 yrs together 21years.

When I think of a great relationship I think of feeling some spark when I think about or look at the person. Being very honest and open. Having a good sex life and the desire to spend time with them. Someone that looks at me and I can see the love for me in their eyes. Not always having to ask what's wrong why do you look and act like you are mad, sad, or whatever all the time. Someone that will make me feel good about myself and there for what life throws at us.

Expert:  Howard Wise replied 2 years ago.
Thanks for the additional information.

Do you experience any of what you described with your husband?

Have you given any thought to marital counseling? If so, what did you conclude?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
He can be there for me a lot of the times, but I just don't feel it is sincere. Yes I have talked to him about counseling, but we never could come up with what we were going to do so nothing was done. I have been to counseling myself and he has himself and neither of us felt it was any benefit. I sometimes wonder if maybe its because I got married and became a mother so fast that I didn't have time to really find that person. He is 4 years older than me. He also has a lot of issues with being a veteran of war. I feel that his war experience also play a lot of his roll in our problems, but I have tried to make myself love him more and have that great relationship and failed. I can easily be attracted to other men that offer special attention to me. I don't know if this is something that could change and I know no one can answer that, but I worry so much about how just seperating affected the two oldest kids. My 18 yo is in college and has had hard time with maintaining his grades, and then my 16 yo just kind of shuts me out of her life most of the time no matter what I try. She responds better to him than me and we use to be so close. I don't know I'm just so confused. Sometimes I just feel like I would like to be without a man. I don't know
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

We don't even sleep togther most of the time.

Expert:  Howard Wise replied 2 years ago.
I conclude from your reply that your sexual needs aren't being met. I am sorry for that.

Have you ruled out marital counseling?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
No my sexual needs aren't met but thats not all of it. Even when we were sexual I never enjoyed it I was just ready for it to be quick. I really don't know what I think about. It would have to be with someone that didn't just sit there like nothing and act like they don't care how it ends. One major issue is that he doesn't have any health insurance and the only place he could or we could go is to the Veteran's hospital and they don't give me any confidence in their performance there with all the numberous experiences I've had there and he has had. I am a nurse and I know a lot about different things, but it doesn't give me help for myself.
Expert:  Howard Wise replied 2 years ago.
If I understand you correctly, you haven't ruled out marital counseling.

It appears that you don't feel completely hopeless about saving your marriage, it's just that you can't think of a place to go for help that you would have confidence in. Is this correct?
(Please forgive me if I am asking too many questions. At any time you have the option to re-list your question for input from another expert.)
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Not completely ruled out counseling. I feel like in a way that if the kids are grown and out of the house then I would have already ended it. I mean I do care about him and would still want to be friends but I don't have faith in having a real relationship. I don't mind the questions at all

 

Expert:  Howard Wise replied 2 years ago.
Great! I'm glad you don't mind the questions because I have been known to ask a few.

If you haven't ruled out counseling, and you think there is a chance to improve your marriage, then I recommend that you investigate the options for marital counseling in your community. In many places there are counseling centers which offer services on a sliding scale. Perhaps there is a center like that near you.

I am signing off for the night. You are free to re-list your question if you would like to in the event that another expert is available to continue working with you now. If you are not in a hurry, I will be back online in the morning and I will be happy to continue working on this with you.

If you are satisfied with the help I have provided so far I would appreciate it if you would click the "accept" link.

Good night.
Howard Wise, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 650
Experience: Counseling with a compassionate ear and a loving heart.
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