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Ask Howard Wise Your Own Question

Howard Wise
Howard Wise, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 650
Experience:  Counseling with a compassionate ear and a loving heart.
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love relationship

Customer Question

I am a 44 year old woman and my bf and I have been together a little over a year. He has some borderline addiction issues with alcohol and pot but has adhered to my boundaries concerning what I find acceptable and told me he needs someone like me. We have amazing chemistry, fun and good communication.

He loves women and says often prefers their company over men. I know while we were exclusive sexually he continued to go out for drinks with women who were friends or ex’s on the night he didn’t have his daughter and I had my children.

He says he doesn’t like to be alone or spend his evenings watching tv and would rather be out. We live an hour apart. In November when we were together he would shield his phone. I asked him to give up these women and ex’s and remove them from his phone so we could have a deeper relationship. He did so telling me he texted them all and said he was in a committed relationship and going to give it his all and wouldn’t be in contact with them anymore.

He said he thought he might resent me but actually felt very good about it. Our relationship grew bounds and became deep and fulfilling. Last weekend a text came through late at night when we were together. He jumped forward to shield his phone. When I protested he showed me. It was from an ex, the first woman he dated after his divorce for one year five years ago. She texted saying she was drinking some wine and thinking of him. It appeared to me that she had never gotten the no contact memo.

He texted her her loved me and her text was making me uncomfortable. She said I had to get over it and quit being insecure. She is now engaged and wanted to share the good news with him in person. She texted they missed each other for drinks. He seemed befuddled and checked his calendar and low and behold had a happy hour meeting in his calendar with her.

He says he doesn’t even remember making the date. (He sometimes takes ambien to sleep and does not remember the last hour before sleeping) He did admit he made a huge mistake in texting her and is very sorry. He says he loves me dearly and wants it to work out. Yet he can give me no reason why he kept in contact with her. I have told him truth and honesty are very very important to me in a relationship and I need this in order to feel trust. I feel he lied to me about staying in contact with his ex(s)? He has begged me to forgive him and trust him again. Would I be naive and stupid to continue to be with him?

Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Howard Wise replied 4 years ago.
Hi, this is Howard,

My impression is that you have a relationship with this man that is really working for you. I suggest that you give him the benefit of the doubt this time. Nobody is perfect, we all make mistakes. If something like this comes up again you can reconsider your plans.