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Ask TherapistJen Your Own Question

TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2804
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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My Husband and I are thinking of separating after 17 tears

Customer Question

My Husband and I are thinking of separating after 17 tears of marraige, We have twins of 4 tears old, Everything was fine (I tought ) until September last year, HE now says he cares for me but does not love me, he says that I make him feel taken for granted. He has moved into the spare bed room at home now and i cannot get him to talk to me about any thing or go out with me any where please help
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 4 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi Welcome.

JACUSTOMER-4o724m5m- :

Hi Jenk

CoachJenK :

I am sorry to hear of the troubles. Tell me a bit more about when it began?

CoachJenK :

Hi

CoachJenK :

what was going on last September that out of the blue he is no longer in love with you

JACUSTOMER-4o724m5m- :

My husband says he looks back and thinka he may have ignored slight problems for a few ywears I asked him more than once a couple of years ago if he thought there was aproblem and he denied it

CoachJenK :

and how has having twins in the mix factored in at all.

JACUSTOMER-4o724m5m- :

Don't know what happened in September some times I think that the twins were such hard work at the start that he went through a period of feeling unable to cope with work the twins and everyday life

CoachJenK :

That is why I asked because it sounds to me like a bit of a tantrum on his part and that he wasnt able to get all the attention anymore as it needed and needs to be focused on the twins.

JACUSTOMER-4o724m5m- :

Not sure, it got so bad in December that he rtold me he went to see the gp who diagnosed depression he is now seeing a cousellor who feels it is nit deopression but but a reaction to a situation ie th n]marraige

CoachJenK :

what were some of the issues that you believe existed in the marriage?

CoachJenK :

I am glad he is seeing someone...any chance of you two going together?

JACUSTOMER-4o724m5m- :

He feels that he has to do everythingHe sya he can't talk to me. He woild never let me go to his councelling sessions with him

CoachJenK :

Twins are extremely hard work and some things fall by the wayside in order to tend to their needs and if he feels taken for granted it just seems to me that he is suffering from not being number one but now he is the parent to two young kids that need the most care.

CoachJenK :

What does doing everything mean? What does he do that is everything and why wouldnt he let you go to counseling? He has no desire to save the marriage? Are these your only children?

JACUSTOMER-4o724m5m- :

No other children. He just says he nevr sems to stop I'm not quite sure where he is coming from. At this time he says he would lik eto save the marraige but thinks it is beyond repair

CoachJenK :

None of us ever stop once we become parents let alone having twins...that is why this just seems to me to be a bit of a tantrum....he wants you and and all the focus to be on him. But parenthood isn't about that and it is hard, very hard. And you want to save the marriage and you have tried everything to get him to open up...so where does that leave you?

CoachJenK :

lets try and focus on you now and what will work best for you

JACUSTOMER-4o724m5m- :

I still love him deeply but I am very sad and feeling that I am playing a wwaitng game for him to come home one day and say enogh os enough. I wish he would talk to me

CoachJenK :

I can hear the love you have for him and i wish he could see that and i agree that you are in this waiting game with him as he seems to hold all the cards. I wish he would talk to you too. What about writing him a lovely heartfelt letter and slipping it under his door? This way he has time to read it, absorb but not feel the pressure to respond?

JACUSTOMER-4o724m5m- :

I tried sending him a card once and allit said wa sI ;ove you, and he never mentione it

CoachJenK :

so sad for you. Maybe in this one you write all that you feel for him and how you miss him and want to work on things and you dont want it to be beyond repair. If he doesnt respond at least you know you were able to get your feelings out.

JACUSTOMER-4o724m5m- :

Maybe,is ther any thing I can do to get him to open up

CoachJenK :

since he wont talk and won't "let you in" I am seeing that the letter seems to be the best way to absorb how you love and care for him

JACUSTOMER-4o724m5m- :

OK Thanks

CoachJenK :

I am sending you all of my best wishes and I am here to support you anytime. I feel for you and do what you can to save your marriage as I can hear how much you love him. Please take care of yourself in the process.

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