How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1776
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
64783947
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Coach Jen K. is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Hi, I was married at the age of 21 and in 2010 we were divorced.

Resolved Question:

Hi,
I was married at the age of 21 and in 2010 we were divorced. He was my first boyfriend and after going through a terrible divorce I decided to focus on me and try to move on with my life. I changed jobs and moved and in the Spring of 2011 I started talking to a new guy who was really sweet. My walls were up but over time I eventually let my guard down. My main concern with my boyfriend is that he tends to drink too much without even realizing it. I am a social drinker and I know my limit. He has promised to change countless times and frankly I have had quite enough. My divorce has made me stronger and I know what I want this time around. I want to break things off but I feel like am making a terrible mistake. He is one person when he is sober.. the kind of guy who opens doors for you and brings you breakfast in bed, while the other guy is rude and immature. I will be 27 soon.. He will be 30 in a few months.. I think I need a little advise.
Thank you.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi welcome.

Customer:

Hello.

CoachJenK :

I hear how tough this is for you and it is just a shame that he wont hear of any type of counseling or AA.

CoachJenK :

I think that is a good boundary for you to have. If you know you cannot live this way with him drinking and being the way he is when he is drunk then you know the boundary is he either gets help or you will have to reomove yourself from the relationship. does that feel like where you are?

Customer:

Yes, Just past saturday we went out to eat and he had a few drinks and I started to notice a change in his personality.

CoachJenK :

and then you tense up and wait for it to get worse.

Customer:

He had promised over a month ago that he would stop and I told him that if i didnt see a change in him he would lose me.

CoachJenK :

and as you know with problem drinking it is hard to stop on your own. What was his response when you told him he would lose you?

Customer:

He told me that drinking wasnt worth losing me but he said that he was not an alcholic. he had quit a year before I had even met him. i said that i would go with him to an AA meeting but he didnt want to attend.

CoachJenK :

ok but his words and his actions dont line up.

CoachJenK :

you can also go to an al anon meeting to see how things feel for you there before you walk away...assuming you want to put that time in.

Customer:

yes... and that's is where I am today. He was defensive and said that he wasnt drinking too much the other night and i told him that i just needed space.

CoachJenK :

so here is what i am thinking...take that space, go to some al anon meetings so you can see how you want to proceed and see if he can begin to see his issue and want to get help. It is awful that you are going through this because i can hear how you care for him and have let your guard down.

Customer:

I work full time and I am returning to school soon and I feel that I may need to just cut off ties with him. Its been difficult letting my guard down after my divorce.

Customer:

He will not attend the AA meetings.

CoachJenK :

I am sure it has but that is a good thing even though it doesnt feel that way now. It shows you can love! If you feel cutting ties are what is best for YOU then I support that. the al anon meetings are for you...not him...they are for people who have loved ones that are drinkers.

CoachJenK :

you can always come here and get support from me too. all you have to do is request me.

Customer:

That is great advise. I appreciate your time. I am doing my best to deal with the situation. This is my second serious relationship and i have grown alot. He has been patient with me when i had my walls up. He even bought me an engagement ring.. but i declined.. I wanted to see some change first. I dont want to rush anything and I still believe in marriage.

CoachJenK :

I am proud of you...you are doing great. I hope you will come back to me and let me know how you are. Please click accept if I have been helpful.

CoachJenK :

You are a pleasure. Keep your loving heart.

CoachJenK :

nobody can take that from you.

Customer:

Yes, of course I will. Thank you so much for your time.

Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1776
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
Coach Jen K. and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
 
 
 

Related Relationship Questions