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Ask Eleanor
Ask Eleanor, Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1517
Experience:  Marriage & Family Therapist with 20 Years Experience
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Customer Question

Need some assistance in dealing with personal issues in a relationship. It’s a long story, most of which is now in the past. I will provide all the details to the selected counselor, but I would rather not have some of this generally public.

I am really struggling with trust issues, confidence in the relationship and the ever present fear that somehow something must still be wrong. I don't understand why I can't get past this, but its killing me. I have never felt like this before. In my professional life I deal with very stressful situations all the time, and I have never had issues managing it or letting it take over. However, in this case it is becoming all consuming, I feel uncomfortable, or maybe a better word would be nervous, all the time. Some days something will trigger and I just got completely bogged down, running what ifs and whys through my head to the point of just about going crazy.

In any case, I would like to run my story by a female counselor that has some experience with Asian (especially Korean/Chinese) culture. I am not Asian, but the other person in the relationship is. I would like help in understanding why I feel the way I do, how to manage this and how to move on from some of the events I will describe. I need someone who is not going to judge us, or tell me I am crazy, just need some help in understanding and working through it.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 2 years ago.

Ask Eleanor :

Hello, I am here for you and am happy to respond. Give me a moment to carefully read over your question.

Ask Eleanor :

I can certainly request privacy for our chat. I am a female therapist and never judge my clients. I am not Asian but have certainly worked with Asian women in my almost 20 years of practice. In order to help, I will need more information about your relationship. I also need to know your specific question.

Ask Eleanor, Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1517
Experience: Marriage & Family Therapist with 20 Years Experience
Ask Eleanor and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Guess I did this wronge. By clicking accept does that cut you off?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Privacy would be a requriement, do I send you the additional information via this reply function? I am guessing this must be the way this works. Please confirm the privacy element and I will provide the additional details and specific questions.
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 2 years ago.
By accepting, you simply switched us from chat to this Q&A mode. But that's not a problem, we can continue. If you are satisfied with my answer, then we need do nothing further. Actually since you accepted, I can so ahead and request privacy.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Ok, thanks much. Site is a bit confusing to use.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Ok, I think we have this worked out. Are you available?
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 2 years ago.
Hi, I will be available in about an hour.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
To late for today, Perhaps tomorrow. Please let me know a good time.
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 2 years ago.
I am online now and will be here this afternoon with a few breaks. Just chat back and I will reply.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Ok thanks, XXXXX XXXXX for 12:00pm PST. I am free for an hour or so. Let me know of this works for you.
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 2 years ago.

That will work for me. Just chat back when you are ready.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Ok, hello.

 

So, I have a lot of background written up, its a bit lengthy. Would it be best to past it here so that you can go over it?

Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 2 years ago.

Yes, paste it here and I will read and chat back when finished.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

To start things off, I think you need to understand the whole story. To that end, I have copied here most of the entries of a personal journal that I keep. It has the whole history of my relationship, from the day we met until now. Also, as a point of reference (Sister means friend, so when you see a note about a young sister or old sister; these are friends, not Family). This will I think help you understand why the questions are being asked. Also, all the notes are in chronological order, so you may read a conclusion that I come to earlier in the document that turns out to be correct, or incorrect later in the document as I learn more.

 

 

 

March 4, 2011:

 

I had just started a new job and was looking for a local massage parlor. To be honest, I have been doing the massage thing for years, 12 plus at least. With my move to LA, I needed a new regular location. I found a local place, it had good reviews and I figured I would give it a try.

 

I took the subway and made the long walk to the place. Got Lee, at the time I knew her as Julie (working name). She was attractive, not out of this world, but very nice. Standard massage, I did my normal touchy feely and she responded. Never one to let an opportunity go by, I took the next step and she did not resist. Thinking this to be a good thing, I went all out and she gave up the goods with only a last minute note of surprise. It was good, have to admit.

 

Finished up and she walked me to the door. I was a little let down by the "ok, time to go" vibe I got when it was all over, but I was good with it and let it go.

 

April, 2011:

 

2nd trip to the spa, called a head asked for Julie. This time, I came prepared. It was all good, she was on the rag and even that did not slow me down. She has talent I thought, I also started to really like her. At the time, I did not have visions of anything more than a weekly get together, told myself no way I was going to leave my wife for an Asian spa girl.

 

Things get a bit fuzzy here. I did see her again at the Spa, but we soon graduated to a motel. The first time was in China Town, lunch time get together. Sex was beyond good and she always made sure I left satisfied. Yet, I was paying her, so it was no great love affair; she was still my spa girl. Second hotel visit and I brought her a gift, a stupid $100 necklace I was dumb enough to pay $400 for. I really liked her though, and she was close to becoming my girlfriend.

 

May, 2011:

 

Weekly get togethers were now common. An afternoon of sex, a little talk and done. All good for me, but starting to get harder as I was falling for her. What to do. I tried to leave her and fix things with my wife. Was not working, not my wife's fault, but the closeness I had from Lee I could replicate in my wife. May 28, 2011: big company move, spent the weekend with Lee.

 

June, 2011:

 

Don't remember exactly when, but I was trying to end it. I was married after all. What was I thinking. Told her we were finished, told her I found her "reviews" on the Internet. I already knew about these, but made for a good reason to end it. We talked, she told me she was done with it, would never go back to her Spa job, I could not let her go, we did not end it. We snuck away anytime we could. Wanted her to be a part of my life, did not want to divorce my wife.

July, 2011: Mammoth trip with family. All good, little tense with my wife. By now, she knows. Won't admit it, but she knows. I am hard on her, mostly to offset and justify what I had done and was doing. These are hard days, I am not proud of what I have done. Come home; tell wife I want to open our relationship, predicable results.

 

Aug, 2011: Lots of back and forth. Planned a trip to San Fran with Lee in Oct. Both looking forward to it. Trying to make it work so I get both wife and Lee, stupid but at the time I thought I could somehow make it work.

 

Finally decide it had to end. Took a drive with Lee, said goodbye. She took it badly. Called me 10 times a day, I ignored her. Prior to this and maybe the reason why, told my daughter things with wife (not my daughter's mother) were not working. She cried, I was hurt. Eid (Holiday) day comes; I am home alone, get up and go to the event. Wife's Mom and Brother very cold and distant. I wonder why. Ask my wife, she tells me that she and family discussed our personal situation. I figure, it's all over now. Family will never let it go; they are very strong that way. They knew things were rocky, now I am the bad guy and have proven to them why there were problems in the marriage. They would never forgive or forget, I am an anathema to them. I resolve to go, marriage is done.

 

Sept, 2011: One day, I can't get a hold of Lee. Not sure why, but I was really worried about her. Odd, really because there had been a number of cases where I did not talk with her for a day. In any case, the next morning I got no response. So I worried.

 

Decided to go to her house, just to make sure she was ok. Knocked, no answer, waited outside, thinking I was just being stupid. But no car parked outside, was thinking all kinds of bad things. Wait a while, notice her older friend leave the house (they share an apartment). Decided, to knock on the door again. No answer, decided to go to her work to see if she way there, the lady at the desk did not know who she was. Now I am thinking something must be wrong, people don't just disappear. Wait, nothing, close to the end of the day, really worried, decided to do a GPS trace on her phone, it's in Orange County. She lives in LA, works in LA, I am thinking someone stole her car, or maybe she is in trouble. Go to work, can't think.

 

Later that night Lee calls, tells me she stayed out late drinking, at work. I say how, phone says you're in Orange county. She thinks, ok she says she stayed in Hotel in Orange county; I don't understand, she has no friends, work or family there. Frankly I don't believe her. Tell her that we need to meet. She says ok, meet at her apartment. She tells me the truth (or part of it), took a job at a parlor in Orange County to help her friend. Doing same job, she lied to me when she said she would never go back to that job. Truth is; she was doing service as before. I wanted to end it, thought we had come too far. Told her it had to end, no second chances. If I found her lying again, were we done. Agreed that we would go to San Fran trip. She quits the Orange County job and gets a job as a waitress in a LA restaurant.

 

Oct 5, 2011:

 

Trip was good, actually trip was great. She really enjoyed, as did I. Fun together, no tension at all. Enjoyed the week. Came home, stayed in Motel. Very nice. Finalized apartment plans, this trip was a test really, wanted to see how we would get along after being together a full week. Later that month we moved into an apartment together.

 

Oct 15, 2011:

 

Maybe the worst day of my life. I got up one morning and I had a pain and discharge from my penis, thought something must be up. Tested for VD at local clinic. Dr. says yep I probably have gonorrhea and gives me pills and a shot. I freak out, must be from Lee, I had not been with any other women and there was no way it was from my wife (whom I have not been with since before Lee and I met). Confronted her, she swears, not her and that she had never done full service (sex) with a spa customer other than me. I think maybe it could be passed by hand (some context here, spa girls give a massage and a hand job to most customers for a tip, most do not have sex for various safety and ethical reasons). Not likely transmission via hand is possible, not sure what to do. Wait for final test results, thinking will leave her. Results negative, what was the problem, don't know. She was negative as well. At least there is evidence of truth here. I start to trust her now.

 

Nov, 2011:

 

Lee is sick, really bad mood. No idea why. I think, this sucks, what the hell. I have some friends over that day, we are all talking. Lee's English is not that great, she does not like being left out. She says she likes my friends, but it's hard on her when they are here. We talk, but I am scared. This girl is emotional, like really emotional. Once set off, there is little that can be done to bring her back. Next day, we talk. She is ok, explains the issue. The root problem here will come back I am sure. I am concerned.

 

Turns out the real issue here was that she had met a former customer at the restaurant who recognized her. She gave her phone number to the guy (more on that later).

 

Dec, 2011:

 

Lee is still married. Separated yes, but still married. I knew this based on something she had said a few days before. Does it matter? I was married when we met, and still legally was at this time (divorce was not yet finalized), so what difference does it make. But, my concerns are related more to trust. She has hidden this for all the time we have been together. (Her initial version was that she separated from her husband in China and came here to get away from him and his family). Now that she finds out her husband is in the US with the girlfriend that he was most likely with when Lee left him, and in fact most likely was the reason she left him, she wants to get married to me now. I am the comeback guy, that's a problem.

 

There are some real issues here, or so I thought. She left her 10 year old son to come here. Not out of abuse, but because her husband was still in love with his college sweetheart and not her. When she found out that he was seeing her, she freaked and left him. This rift got worse and for reasons that are still unclear, she came to the US, alone. Here is what's odd, she told me on that day that her mother did not like her husband, yet earlier she always maintained that her parents liked her husband and as such, he would always come around. The root issue is why she would have given up a reasonably comfortable life, job, family and friends, to come here alone. A person does not take such an action lightly, so there must have been some major problem. She went from being a middle class teacher, to a waitress and to a spa girl. Someone does not go down that path unless shit at home is really, really broken. Before, even thinking to marry this woman, I tell myself I need to understand why this happened. Else, I would certainly end up heart broken and alone.

 

Is she really that crazy, that she would go completely bonkers and leave the country over her husband's love affair with his old flame? She tells me there was no love between them, yet she had a child and aborted another, so that was a lie. In my time with her, I did not yet truly know her, the person that she is. I have had hints; she can get crazy, over relatively small things. Remembering the weekend with my friends, she was physically sick. Not due to a fight, or other issue.

 

Dec 13:

 

Odd times, this weekend went well, no issues with Lee. Until Sunday, I was stupid enough to reread reviews on Lee from her days at the spa. Hard to read this stuff, she was well liked because she gave more service then others. So reading about how some guy enjoyed getting his dick rubbed by your potential future wife was no fun.

 

Dec 19, 2011:

 

Good weekend, good day. Sat spent the morning with Lee, was a nice morning. She has been in a good mood and things seem to have settled down. I still am bugged a bit over some simple lies. We got into a long talk about stuff, she told me her Son had opened up and so on. No issues here, but she told me spent an hour or more on the phone with family. I can find no record of this on her phone or the house phone. There was a 27 min chat that was likely family, but that was before she told me they spoke. Also, there is a two hour plus talk, but it is to a 213 number, not her family. So, something here does not add up. Maybe no big deal, probably no big deal, just wondering why the lie. Wish I could be sure, a hate to question.

 

Dec 20:

 

Busy day, in Pomona all day. Last night was an odd case. Lee comes home, a little distant, but no more than normal. Takes a shower and comes out with just a robe, very sexy. Pick her up and take her to bed. She say not now, now, but not in a bad way. Anyway, we talk a bit; she says that she had some wine before leaving work. Tells me that one party brought two bottles of wine and gave her one. I don't know why, but this gets me upset. Seems really off to me that a customer would give a waitress a bottle of unopened wine and a tip on top. That only happens when; there is some flirting going on, etc. Anyway, I was miffed. Should not have been and did not say anything, but she knew I was upset.

 

Next day, wake up and tell her the truth. She laughs, but does not seem upset. I have to assume that it was nothing, even if it was I am going to have to be more secure. This super sensitive stuff is no good. Today, she is out of touch; her phone is likely dead as I think I may have our only charger. Anyway, need to relax a bit. If there is something bad going on, I don't have to get myself so worked up all the time. It's just counterproductive. Trust, hard to build, easier to lose. Trying, but hard.....

 

 

Dec 30, 2012:

 

Last night was great, Lee came home in an OK mood, but things improved later. Came to bed naked, have to love that. Sex was incredible as always. Morning was wonderful, nothing better than waking up next to a beautiful naked lady. Never had anything like it, my wife was mean and cold. Sex with her was always on the edge. If I looked into her eyes and say she is beautiful, she would laugh and cut me down or make fun of me for being such a softy.

 

 

Jan 3, 2012

 

It's a new year. New Years was great, kids and Mom came over, and we all had fun. No tension. Lee did not get upset, like the first time she met my family and all was good. She did get very tired on the last day, basically went to sleep at 4:00pm and stayed that way until the next morning. I can see the stress, but she does not express it. Although, I did not see or feel anger, just tiredness. My concern of course is to rather this will be a problem down the road. People can deal with all sorts of things during the early stages, but later when pretext is lost. What then.

 

I am tired, tired of worrying, tired of being scared. Lee is so far, has been a really good lady; but I just don't know what the future holds. Her past will always haunt me, language will be a barrier, cultures are very different.

 

Jan 5, 2012:

It's been a good couple of days, nothing really to write about. Lee and I have been getting along great, work is good, generally all is well. Kinda a weird feeling for me, I am so used to so much drama, I almost can't believe there is really none.

 

Only issue with Lee is language and a bit of culture. Sometimes you hit those awkward pauses, not really sure what to say. Other times, I am not really sure what she is thinking or expects. Cultural thing here, she is all about hints and nuance and I am clueless in that area. I think she was a bit miffed last night because she dressed up really nicely before I came home and I did not make a big deal of noticing it. Was tired as hell, but should have given her something. Seems she digs the attention, same as me I guess. No biggie, but likely something not to repeat. Morning was beyond good, she was squishy wet when we made love. I always dig that, she really loves getting laid, like no one I have known. The nearest match would be Joelynne, but we were like 16, so I can't imagine that even counts as a comparative.

 

So, hey, life is good, why knock it.

 

Jan 09, 2012:

 

I received some mail today in an En Piao's name, was addressed to my home address. Thought that was odd. Did not open it. Lee saw the letter, opened it and quickly put it away, saying nothing. Also thought this was odd. Then, happen to notice a opened DMV renewal letter in the same name, turned out that her car and car insurance were all registered under the name En Piao. I thought this very odd, and considered there are two, maybe three possibilities:

 

1). En Piao is Lee's young sisters real name (a friend of her's she only refers to as young sister)

 

2). En is her young sister's boyfriend and he is floating the bills for Lee. This would only be happening if there was more going on with her and this guy then I was led to believe.

 

3). En was an unknown 3rd party, that has or had a relationship with Lee.

 

Of the three, the first is the most probable. But I was not able to confirm. Decided to just monitor and not make a big deal of it.

 

Jan 11, 2012:

 

So this sucks. Last night Lee comes home. Walks in the door and I give her my usual hug. She seems a bit off, sort of pushes me aside and runs to the shower. Seems to be miffed. I am not in the best of moods myself. No good reason, day was good, but on the way home I get this really bad feeling. Really nervous, no reason, just kinda hit me. Came home, make a simple dinner (eggs and waffles), one beer, started playing a game. Just not into it, again no real reason.

 

Tired of this, shower, watch Sappranos, that's it. I ask Lee what's wrong, typical answer "nothing". Anyway, so goes the night. Later, she gets up to watch TV, sleeps on coach. I get up, ask what's wrong. Same answer, now it's my fault, she says was happy until she got home. Ok, whatever, sleep she gets up several times. Morning I give her a hug, she cried all night. Angry, says I made her feel low when I asked her a question several times, then gave up when she did not understand. Ok, tell her I am sorry.

 

A hug or two, go to work. I don't get it. Hot and cold thing is weird. Why would you get that upset over nothing. Call her today, seems ok, says will talk later. Seems a bit rushed to get me off the phone, but this is not unusual. Long phone talks don't work well, language issues are a real problem.

 

I am having a really hard time trusting her. I have found no hard evidence, just little things here and there. Again, nothing that should raise concern. Joint checking account, Car and Insurance were a surprise, but who is to say it's bad. More likely En is the real name of her "young sister". Larry is probably her young sisters son. Can I proof it? No. Should I assume the worse, why?

 

I just can't get my head past her promise to leave the business, only to find she lied and was working in Orange County for a month or more. She was not just working; she was really working - same crap as her other Spa. I would never have known, except for her falling out of communication, me getting worried and me finding her. She really did not let on to the extent of it until the Dr. Visit and associated issues.

 

So, what happens when she comes home a bit upset. I assume there must be something going on. Is she working again, is there some other issue. Again, she says she needs to make $2k per month. Why, her bills don't match this requirement. I made her feel low, she is super sensitive, why? I really hate this, mind jumps from putting a tail on her, to setting up a GPS tracking. But is this really something you want to do. Do you just trust her and be done with it. There is an argument that says, why should I care? Not like we are married, if she really is working I would find out eventually. Does she have a second phone, expenses or income that does not make sense, a receipt in the car, cloths bag. Eventually something would come up. Just scares me, now it does not matter, I could walk away and it would suck but I would be ok. Later, if we get married, this may no longer be the case. Need to sort out what to do.

 

Jan 13, 2012:

 

Another fight last night. Come home, drive to pick up kids. Started talking about car, not sure why but got into who was on title. We talked about risk of another person on title, she says only me, which I know to be a lie. She is upset, I found a nerve it would seem.

 

She is distant, I feel it. Go to restaurant, I am trying to make conversion. Not going to well. I make a comment about buying restaurant, she gives me this ugly look, tells me "only talk, talk, no do". I was upset, but my kids are there so I just stay quite. Waitress asks if she wants pepper on her salad, she does not understand and looks at me. I am none too happy and just say pepper. She goes quiet and is really pissed.

 

Go home; tell her what's the deal. She says she is angry over me not helping when waitress asked her question. I tell her this is baloney. She cried, tells me she never thought I was that person "I.e. Not helping her". This is still baloney. After a lot of talk, comes down to her telling me that what is past is past and it should say that way.

 

Morning, we make up. She tells me that since Oct she is mine body and mind. I know there is some past she wants to keep hidden. She tells me that she never asks about time with my now ex-wife. So, there is more to this story. En is likely not her young sister as I thought and it likely is not her young sister's boyfriend. It may be some other person that as paying her bills, it may be her husband; it may be that it really is her young sister and she just doesn't know. All very confusing.

 

At the end of the day, the real thing for me is to decide if I can just let all this go and stay focused on now. Have to ask, does it really matter. Does it change anything. I need to decide to a. Let it go and move on or b. Walk away because I just can't trust her. Agonizing over this has made for two days of fighting and a lot of headache. Pretty much done with that.

 

Jan 18, 2012:

 

Last night was the worst yet. Come home early, take Lee to get pictures, and after go to nice restaurant. All good, we are talking about nothing. I ask how her Chinese sister was doing; suggest we meet for dinner some time. She mentions that there is an issue between her and her husband, I ask what issue. She tells me sister started working at a massage place. That her nursing school was too hard. That she did not tell her husband she quit nursing school, but did and started doing massage work. She told me her sister's son needed money for school, and massage job made money so fast.

 

I was startled by this, a little angry. I told Lee, what of person would do this? That her husband would leave her for this. I told her if she ever did this, we would be done. We leave it at that; try to talk about other stuff. I am thinking about this, and worry, what happens a few years down the road with Lee. She looks at me and knows I am distant. She asks why, I tell her I am a little scared by this, that all her friends do this job, that I do not want her to do this job. I tell her I am sorry for thinking this way and try to move on.

 

We get back to the real issue. She asks if I think she is "that person", that she would do that job again. I tell her, and I am angry now, that four months ago she did exactly that. She cries, goes to other room, lies on coach. I give it some time, walk in ask if she is ok. She says yes. I need to get up in the morning and go to work. Go to sleep.

 

Later, she walks in, asks me to move car, she wants to go to sauna. Its 11:30pm, I tell her wait until tomorrow. She presses, I am really angry. No way am I letting my future wife run out of the house at 11:30pm. Tell her if she wants to leave, then leave, tired of this by now. She says no. More talk, all bad. Tells me I make her feel low, almost anything I say she takes and puts on me. I give up, go to sleep. At this point, I am ready to tell her we are done. 3rd time now. Just to much fighting, over stupid things.

 

Future is dim here. I really don't need this. Not sure if we are going to make it at this point.

 

Jan 19, 2012:

 

Came home, Lee is wearing my favorite dress, gives me a big hug, tells me she is sorry. More hugs, has dinner ready. Eat dinner, takes me by the hand to bed, make love, great as always, but this time was really great. As good as our early dates.

 

Jan 27, 2011:

 

Letter from the bank came last night, addressed to En Piao and Lee. I gave it to her, no word. She quickly distorted the letter and did not speak of it. She dropped the second name from her account, as she later showed me the check with only her name. She was very careful to get rid of that letter. Brings up the same old nagging questions. Who was this person? Does it really matter? Do I ask Lee?

 

I am stuck, I really don't care if she was with someone, she is with me now. Plus, during the VD scare, I think a love interest other than those she has talked to me about would have come out. She did bring up a Washington boyfriend. Perhaps that was more then she let on. Perhaps he was paying her bills, but they would have been together in Alhambra, and that means she was not single when we met. If she was living with another man, then the lie goes to far for me. If she could do that to him, eventually she would do the same to me. It would also explain why she would never let me get close to her house / apartment. Not sure what to do here, should I just ask her and be done with it? Maybe that is the right answer, next week.

 

Jan 30, 2011:

 

Truth finally comes out. Find a second phone in Lee's purse. I knew she had it, but was never able to look at it. She left it at home one day, I happened upon it while looking for steps. Opened it and read the messages. All bad. Txt messages from customers, many calls. I really freaked out. Decided this was it, started calling and texting the numbers I found. I get responses, male voices. Txt a few of the entry's, especially a guy that called her Mammii and a guy named Tim. Lee comes home, I show her phone, tell her we are going to talk.

 

Trade txt messages with Tim. Tells me he met her at a casino, went to hotel and had sex. I play him a bit. Once he know what really going on, he admits they did not have sex, but that she did Oral on him and him on her and she never called him back. I get home.

 

Talk with Lee, she tells me the real truth. Her husband is En Piao. His name is XXXXX XXXXX car, insurance, checking account and so on. She was living with him and her son in LA. She did have the two boyfriends; she did work her massage job. Her husband and son did not know what she was doing. Her husband did know about 1st boyfriend, but not second. I have to assume that during these years there was some back and forth between them. She lied all this time because she thought I would leave her and this is likely true.

 

She vehemently denies Tim is a boyfriend, he was a customer. Says yes, she met him. He called and she picked him and up took him back to his hotel. She says he was after her, but that she did not go to his room. Says she had to call parking attendant to help her leave as he was really on her.

 

I do not know who to believe. My theory is this:

 

1). Lee and I broke up briefly.

2). She assumed we were done, decided to get back in the business. She may have called, he may have called, they may have met - no way to know. Somehow, they did hook up. She may have gone there to blow off steam, who knows.

3). She did drive him back to hotel, both confirm this. He did give her $200 to play, she confirms this.

4). She did go to his room, he did oral and she returned the favor. - Unable to confirm, but likely based on his statements. She may or may not have stayed the night, no way to know.

5). She called young sister, wanting a job. Young sister has new place in Orange. She agreed to work there.

6). In the meantime, we make up and get back together. I find out about her new job (see above). Almost break up, but decide not to. I had every right, but did not go; I was too far down the path. Understanding the situation, was she really so wrong? We were not together, she believed as did I that it was all over. In this case, could you really blame her? Are you any better?

7). We go to San Fran and begin a life together.

 

I cannot confirm all facts, but the above is likely the case. This weekend all cards are on table. I have confirmed she was not a whore (no full service). Research on her number is XXXXX She did what she did, but I already knew that. Given the real truth, I really cannot fault what she did or even why. Hurt though it might.

 

So her true history is much different than I had believed. She is married, she came here with her family, and she had issues with her husband, sometime after they came here. Her son got into a good school. She had a boyfriend, he was the lawyer that did their immigration, so I am sure he knew the husband. The lawyer's wife found out and confronted her, the lawyer dumped her. She took it badly. Husband and her must by this time have been basically done. Some time here she started her massage job, she always says one year, but in fact I think it was closer to two. Gets second boyfriend, likely met at massage place, one month one visit or so, hotel visit deal. Husband not aware of this. May not have been together at this time, may have been, fact unknown.

 

Second boyfriend asks for money, they separate. Not sure how long they were together, pretty sure this was prior to my time. She moves to Alhambra. I think husband moves to San Fran at this time. She confirms, he was not living with her in Alhambra. Her statement that she lived with young sister for 5 years was a lie, although she may have been friends with her. Explains why she would leave her with so little issue. I believe her, she was not concerned about me seeing her, if she was living with husband this would not have been the case.

 

So, real life does not honestly begin until we moved together. I can say I do trust her now. So many lies should have split us up; I no longer see lies in her eyes. Will take me some time to forget and truly trust. She did cheat her husband, but who cheated who and when is not known. Was he cheating and then she decided to cheat, who can say. It does not matter to me; it's the future I fear. I do not want to end up being the guy who was cheated on.

 

She can lie really, really well and this is going to be an ongoing issue. It will be some while before I will trust her. I do love the women, but I am no longer really in "love" like I was. Is she really so fickle that she will jump into bed with the next guy she sees when she feels she is wronged.

 

 

Wretched days. So, this is your potential wife:

 

Married in China, husband unfaithful. 10 years or so.

Comes here, cheats husband with Lawyer that did their immigration.

Husband takes this badly, likely steps out himself, a few years' later pays to bring his girlfriend here. Now during this time, they are living together mind you.

She finds this out, gets all upset and moves out.

Gets a job in the massage business.

Has a fling with a customer for 6 months or so; maybe has a few other encounters.

Meets me, sex on first sight.

Has a few flings with me.

We have ups and downs, as I learn more about her I try to break it off, but for some reason, stay with her.

Last down, I do break it off shortly, she goes with another guy and has a fling. Also, goes back to work in Orange County.

I find out about new job and almost break it off, somehow we stay together.

We move in together and I start learning all this stuff.

Now my angel is not so much an angel and I question everything she says and does.

This sucks.

 

 

Feb 4, 2012:

 

At last, finally a good day. I buy her flowers, at the same time guess what. I pick up a call from some guy named Jerry. I am thinking this is it, this is the last straw, it's over. Call him back, text him back. I need to confirm it was her, his message was something like he had not seen her since late Oct, early Nov, at the time she told him she was feeling sick and maybe going back to Korean until Feb, but that he could meet with Annie (Annie is her Young Sister's working Name).

 

I call him, he says he met her at her Chinese restaurant, was talking to her about a job, he is in the chemical business. Tells me she did not look happy when he saw her. I think, ok, whatever. Think a second, call him back. No answer, he calls me. We connect, say he knows nothing of her spa business, clarifies the job thing. I say thanks and let it go. The next day I rehear his message, it is clear that he is asking to see Annie and pretty clear he has seen her. I am sure he lied, not sure why though. Maybe he is just embarrassed; maybe he does not want to get her in trouble, who knows.

 

I can't believe Lee did see him for service in Oct or Nov, with us together I would have known. How would she have done it, sneak off during a work break, working on an off day, can't see it happening. Plus, he used her working name of Julie. Lee knows that I would find that name on the Internet if she was working again. Lastly, the guy said he met her last at a Chinese restaurant, which was likely true.

 

So, what I think really happened is that an old customer of hers ran into her at the restaurant. She made up a story about going to Korea until Feb and told him to get in contact with Annie. She was probably thinking to give the phone (that I later found) to Annie for safe keeping so that I would not find it. He said that Julie told him that Annie might be covering her phone. I am sure, she figured she would not see or hear from him again, send a good customer to her friend and that's it. I don't know why she put an until Feb thing, maybe she was hedging her bets. Actually, that was what she was doing, I think she figured that when we first got together in Oct, it was likely not going to last. If it does not work out with me, best not to completely lose a good customer. Maybe, who knows. Decided not to discuss with Lee, nothing to be gained by doing so, just another hard night that I don't need.

 

So I forget it, buy the flowers, make the house nice. We do some campaign, we dance to some soft music and for the first time in several weeks, we have a really nice evening. The next morning, we get up, have breakfast, go to San Pedro and really enjoy the morning. I take her to work and come home. She leaves her purse and keys with me. I check the car, check the purse, and find nothing. I think she intended to leave these knowing I would check. Maybe she is trying to build trust, maybe. In any case it was a good day and I want to keep it that way.

 

God help me if I find anything else, but I truly, truly hope I have found all there is the find and that I can now close the past and just move forward. I love this girl, even though I am stupid to do so. I want to marry her, even though I am stupid to do so. I want to build a future with her, even though I am stupid to do so. I have 6 months to test the theory, if she stays loyal and no longer lies then it may work. If I find another big lie, find she is working, or any of this crap, we are done. I really, truly, hope and pray we can make it, odds are against it that's for sure, but I will try.

 

Feb 2012:

 

Wow, I am seriously insecure. Go home. Talk to Lee, this is good and bad. Good, she is not angry at all about me meeting with first wife and daughter. We got into a talk about kids and sex. I am sometimes too smart, because I brought up getting sick and being careful. She was under the impression that a condom was enough. I told her no way, oral was risky to. She quickly got a headache and her face took a down turn fast. She tried to turn it around quickly, but it was to late and I did see the look cross her face. Why, I think the San Fran guy crossed her mind fast and it scared her. Just proves that she did go down on this guy like he said she did. Sucks, but I knew that was true anyway. Makes me crazy, really, really having a hard time getting past this. Gets me all insecure, which I hate.

 

Feb 16, 2012:

 

Valentine's day was fantastic, so was my birthday (which is on Feb 15). Lee bought me some clothes and flowers and a nice card. This morning I am blue, no idea why. Lee has been really good to me, although she is very jealous, as well. She reminded me last night how I was talking with the sales girl at a store in Beverly Hills, she had such a big smile. At the time, I don't even remember. The girl was nice to me because she wanted me to spend money on Lee. Not a big deal and Lee did not get upset, but she remembered. She has some real demons to exercise. I think her job taught her how to manipulate men not just how to take care of a man. It also made her very insecure, she knows most the men she met were married, she knows I met her there, she has to be thinking that I would return to that at some point. If I were her, I would be worried to. We both have baggage; it will be hard on both of us this next year.

 

 

 

Feb 21, 2012:

 

I am really upset. I had just gotten my head screwed on straight when Lee puts a bullet in my head. Sitting at breakfast, talking about nothing. She says she did not sleep well. I ask why, tells me a cup of coffee she drank late int he day had her mind racing. To many dreams. I ask what she was dreaming about. Tells me she was dreaming "only of men. Men and making money, no love, $1 becomes $100". Tells me it's only a dream, asks if I sometimes dream of other women, I tell her no.

 

Very, very hurt by this. Not sure why, but really hurt. Sent her a text, no reply, no sorry. Nothing. Shaking this morning, I feel sick, I guess I should just get past it, but it really sucks. Who would say that to her future husband. Was she mad at me. Would she say that just to upset me, how messed up would that be.

 

Does she really miss her old job, maybe she really did like all the men who would give her money to touch her, maybe that is who she really is. Is this your future wife, is this what you want. Now its all a question again. I really am tired of this, I am sick of being in secure. What to do? I just don't know.

 

Later that night we talk, she acts supprised I am sad. Asks why, I tell her. She says I misunderstood her, that she realy ment that she was dreaming of tip money being split up between the waiters and waitresses at her resturant. I know this is a lie, but laugh it off anyway. Just plain tired.

 

Feb 24, 2012:

 

Another blow up last night, Lee is one very emotional person. We are talking, all good. Practice some English, she bets me I cannot translate some Korean. I say I can, move to the computer for help. Can't make it work, she asks if I have pictures on my computer. I show her what I have. Like an idiot, I also show her my older pictures. Looking through, happen to have a pic of my ex wife. She goes quite.

 

We watch a comedy movie, she is distant but seems ok. Go to bed. She is really distant. I ask her why, tells me nothing. I say ok, try to sleep. Later, her her crying, I wake up, ask what's wrong. She is getting up like three or four times. Tells me she is upset, tells me I lied to her about having pictures of my ex wife. I tell her I did not know these were there, that I had forgotten them (which was true). She is more upset, goes on about this is what her husband did to her. I am now upset. I had handled it pretty well up to this point, I am getting to know her now. But. Her overacting to a single pic of my ex wife seemed a tad unreasonable. I then did something really stupid and went to sleep on the coach. Not sure why, dumb move. She really really freaks, tells me she is going to her old sister's house. 2nd time she has done this, but I am calmer now. Tell her she will not do this again. Not sure she understood, but I think she understood that I will stand up for myself. This is important.

 

Tell her enough is enough, take her to bed, go to sleep. Morning, a little love making, go to work. Worried, she can be really crazy and completely unreasonable. Maybe a Korean thing, but she gets over the top emotional. I worry; she will not get less emotional over time, as you know that does not happen. Her issues with her husband I think were not all his. I think he grew tired of her being crazy and became more and more distant as a result.

 

Not sure how to deal with her powder cake emotional reactions to things. I certainly put my foot in it last night. Could have dealt with the issue better, question is do I want to. Lee is overly jealous, all issues to date have been related to this. But over the top sensitivity. Could be her past, could be a self-image issue, could be that she is projecting her own actions on me. Not sure yet.

 

 

 

After Feb, we have had no issues, no fights are arguments. But lots of nagging insecurities. I don't trust her, although in recent history she has been honest and no "new" information has surfaced. It seems that all is in the past. Yet, every now and again, some little thing comes up and I am right back to Jan/Feb, looking over my shoulder, questioning every little thing. For example, yesterday she told me that she had gone to Ross for some shopping on her break. She tells me "just looking, no buying". I don't think anything of it. This morning, I happen to look in her car while moving them and noticed a XXXXX XXXXX bag in the back that wa snot there the day before. Ok, not an issue, its just that she told me one thing, and actually did someting else. No reason why, I don't care if she goes shopping or buys herself someting, we have never argued over money, and it really is a none issue. But, why the lie...

 

 

So my question is this. How do I get past this, I do I build trust and confidence, can I. Can this work, or am I really just dealing with far more baggage then can be handled and I am just fooling myself?

 

She is a sweet, caring, loving person, believe it or not. You would not believe any of this if you met or spoke with her. She has an innocence about her that is astonishing, a smile that lights up her face such that it just melts your heart. When we are together, we click like no one I have ever met. I can't help but to love her, even after all this crap and a year for the initial passion to pull back a bit.

 

Her demeanor is so contradictory to her history that it is nearly impossible for me to square the two. It's like the person I wrote about here is a completely separate person then the one I see every night. I love her and I want her in my life, I am just having a really hard time dealing with the history that comes along with her. Any advice?

Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 2 years ago.
Too much baggage for the relationship to work without professional help. Trust is a cornerstone of any intimate relationship. She could also have a mood disorder as you describe her extreme emotions. I strongly recommend that the two of you see a Marriage and Family Therapist for couples counseling. MFTs work with all couples, married or not. You may go to www.TherapistLocator.net or www.psychologytoday.com to search for MFTs where you live in CA. You will find many who work with Asian cultures. If she is not willing to go to couples therapy with you, I would seriously consider ending the relationship. Any further questions for me?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

To much detail I guess. Most the boards come back with the standard break it off answer. Maybe that is the right answer, I don't know. Therapy thing could work, but it would need to be someone that can speak Korean and understand Korean culture. Trouble with Korean is that going to a therepist is a major lose of face, and not something that she would do unless she had no other choice.

 

For me, I guess I am at a cross roads. I want it to work, badly. It's like running a marathon and seeing the finish line just ahead. To walk away would be extraordinarily difficult. At the same time, I do don't want to find that it's all been a worthless exercise and see everything fall apart a few years from now.

Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 2 years ago.
I understand the problems. As I said, absent couples therapy, I would end the relationship. If this happens, you would find it helpful to see a therapist yourself for emotional support. I am leaving the site now for the evening. I would welcome future questions from you, simply put for "Ask Eleanor" at the beginning and it will be directed to me. Take care, Eleanor
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Ok, thanks. Hey, just as a final question. Should I question her on the shopping lie, or just let it go.... Just curiouse as to your thoughts.
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 2 years ago.
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