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Ask TherapistJen Your Own Question

TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2922
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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I have been married for 12 years (second marriage) I came into

Resolved Question:

I have been married for 12 years (second marriage) I came into the marriage with 3 children and my husband with one. our families never really became as one. we kept everything seperate and he never really wanted anything to do with my kids seperate from doing things together. example: when his son was at our house and they were going to go to the movies or to play pool he never asked my kids to go with them. Although they said it was ok I know it hurt them. His mother was recentely married and it was a small wedding I was told by my husband that only children and grandchildren were invited. after 12 years of marriage I could not understand why my children were not considered grandchildren.So I also did not attend. My daughter is now a recovering addict and we are raising her son. she is doing so well. I can not talk to him about her recovery he either ignores me or says something smart. I understand his anger towards her but only to a point. I do plan on going back to therapy obviously all of the years of issues are still bothering me. I try to hang on looking at the positives in our relationship and the good man that he is. I was just wondering what a professional felt
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 4 years ago.

CoachJenK :

I think it is sad that the two families have never truly blended and i can hear your pain around it. I believe all of the children suffer from this as this connection is so important. I don't see much in the way of him making some changes around this, but that does not mean I would not keep trying to talk to him about how you feel. I don't hear that you are wanting to leave the marriage and I hear you wanting to hang on and focus on the good stuff. But again maybe in a quiet moment you can discuss all of this with him and in a way that he can hear you. Let me know your thoughts.

Customer:

I have talked to him through the years as things came up but they still occur. I was extremley hurt when he did not stand up for me and my kids regarding his mothers wedding. He choose to go alone. He is wonderful with our grandchildren I will say that. Have I thought about leaving the marriage, yes many times. The kids are now grown but the pain still lingers ....

CoachJenK :

I can hear all of the pain for sure and I understand that pain around the wedding as well. I think I would have felt the same. Now that your children are grown you are left with each other and these feelings are very palpable.

CoachJenK :

so when you say you want a professionals feelings...is that about the wedding or leaving the marriage or just the overall feelings of the separateness

Customer:

overall feeling of the separateness. sometimes I felt I was expecting too much but hind sight I dont think I was. I know I have to make the decision to leave or not, am I being shallow? or should I say do you feel I am or have expected too much from a second marriage.

CoachJenK :

I am with you on this 100%. I dont think you are being selfish. i think it sounds reasonable and very loving of you to want to blend and that shows me how caring you are and desiring to be a mom to his kids too

CoachJenK :

I think in a second marriage you can have those expectations because you have been through it before and you want to try things that can work for everyone.

Customer:

Thank You so much for your kind words they mean more than you know. I did try to be a positive influence in his sons life and I knew my boundries but I was often pushed away. It may have been guilt on his end, meaning not wanting to hurt his mom, so I backed off. But even now as an adult ( please know I am not materialistic at all) but at christmas or special occassions gifts are only sent to my husband from his son I am not acknowledged at all. It hurts... again thank you I appreaciate your input.

CoachJenK :

I am sad to hear all of that...it is just not right and I believe those manners and doing the right thing should have been pushed by your husband. There absolutely could have been a relationship cultivated without hurting their mom. Better that you have been hurt? nobody has to hurt if it is handled correctly. I am sorry that he has not been on that page with you and you and your children have suffered. It is my pleasure to support you and please come back and request me anytime.

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