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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1817
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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There is this guy that I like. He is a stage actor. First time

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There is this guy that I like. He is a stage actor. First time I heard him sing and act in the Phantom of the Opera in Las Vegas, I feel right in love with him. He's married though. I met him a bunch of times, and fell in love with him for more than just his gorgeous voice and good looks. He's a sweet, sweet man. He's kind, and caring. And I think I have come to love him as a very close friend. I do believe he loves me as a friend as well. He's my BFF. 

Sometimes I still have sexual thoughts about him. But now these thoughts are not as severe as they were before I met him. I post on his Facebook fan page constantly. I miss this man like crazy. I cry about him sometimes. I keep telling myself that I love him as a friend only. But I think I am in a bit of denial. Not the river in Egypt. 

I'm Facebook friends with his wife. She knows I have a crush on him, and she's okay with that. She doesn't know i sometimes have sexual thoughts about him though. And I'd like to keep it that way.

As much as I'm in love with this man, I would never want he and his wife to get separated, and I would never try to break them apart. I care enough about this man to want them to stay together. Especially for the sake of their two young children. I'm not one of those psycho bunny boilers. Or am I??? Tell me. Is this just a crush, or is it an obsession? By the way, I don't mean to sound pushy or needy, but I would like an immediate response, please.

From,
Erika
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
Some times in life there are people that you have this instant connection with and it feels like you have know them all your life. Even some times you feel instant love for someone because they have the qualities you are looking for in a person you want to spend your life with. It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with him as a friend and you also have a good friendship with his wife which is great. I feel that your attraction too him is because he has the qualities you are looking for in a person. But you care and love him so muvh you want the best for him. It is good that he has someone in his life that wants the best for him. He knows how much you care because you post on his fan page. You are having these other feelings for him because you are also physically attracted too him. His wife is very understanding of your feelings for him. You are attracted too him in many ways and i feel this is someone that you enjoy being around, seeing perform and having an amazing friendship together, you said you are BFF. You sound like you are trying to understand your feelings, but I feel you love having this person in your life. Some times people come in your life and they spark interest in your life. That one person that makes you want to strive in life because they inspire you. I feel this person is someone that is very important in your life, but i also feel he feels you are just important too him. If you have any more questions i am here to answer.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1817
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Dear Debra and 4 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi deardebra. I received another answer from someone else. I told a friend about this answer, and my friend said that this person is right. I want to know what you think. Well here it is.


Hi Erika,

I appreciate and admire the courage that it took for you to ask whether or not this is an obsession. Of course, I don't know all the details of the situation, but I will give you my thoughts based on what you've described.

I definitely think what you've described is obsessive love and not genuine love at all. You aren't describing the platonic love a person has for a friend either. So, yes, I do think you have been in denial (although a part of you is aware that something is wrong here or you wouldn’t have asked).

I find it questionable that he truly "loves" you as a friend (as you say he does) as well. He's not really in a position to develop that type of strong friendship with you because 1) he's married with children, and 2) his work is probably very demanding.

The type of friendship you describe doesn't happen after just meeting a person a few times. A genuine, close friendship usually only occurs when two people spend a significant amount of time together, or at least have been through some intense emotional bonding situation(s).

It just doesn’t sound like reality. I am inclined to think this (your belief that he loves you) is part of your fantasy and not how he would describe the situation. And even if he were to say, "Yes, I love Erika", my guess is that it's the type of thing that people in the spotlight often say when they say they "love" their fans - you are a fan of this man - one of probably hundreds or thousands. That’s not real love at all - at best it's very superficial and not meaningfu

You say he's your "BFF". I believe you are indulging yourself in a very unhealthy fantasy by telling yourself that. You may have what is called a "love addiction" to this man. It is NOT healthy and you are not doing yourself any favors to continue with it.

My advice to you is to let this go and move on with your life, focusing on developing relationships with people who can truly love you (as a friend or a romantic partner) in return. Doing so will require that you cut off all contact with him - including posting on his FB page and being FB friends with his wife. Until you do, this obsession will almost certainly continue. It very likely will be painful at first, but that’s the harsh reality of this situation.

If you are not able to do this on your own, then I highly recommend you work with a therapist to help you through this. Obsessive fantasies like this are destructive in so many ways. I hope, for your sake, that you are willing to let it go and move on.

I hope this helps and I wish you the best!
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
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