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Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1722
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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I am 32 with two kids and my gf is 30 with no children. We

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I am 32 with two kids and my gf is 30 with no children. We have dated for a hair over two years now.

She has been nothing but honest and upfront from day one about her guy friends and been totally respectful ensuring that I have met the ones she hangs out with (which are few and far between).

She has one friend who she has been friends with since age 15. He and her ended a relationship of four years approximately 5-6 years ago and have remained friends since. I have been around him 6-7 times over the past two years and have got to know him a little bit.

I was married for eleven years and it ended with my wife having an affair with another man. It crushed me more than anything to the point where I didn't know if I could go on anymore. Since that time I have been haunted with a phobia of it happening again and find myself having a mistrust of the world.

My girlfriend's friend lives an hour and a half from here so they don't see each other a ton but talk through text or phone convo probably once a week, but nothing excessive at all. Since we have been dating she was honest about their past relationship and I did well handling it. She went back home and took him out to her cousins house for drinks one night and I invited him here to her last birthday party to surprise her and offered him to stay the night.

A few months ago I left for a school in the Army and was gone for three weeks. She went back to her mom's house which is about forty minutes from his house. She was completely open and honest and told me she was going out for a few drinks with him. Well drinks turned into mindnight to 1am, she had to much to drive and needed to stay the night at his house. I called her freaking out because I was cool with everything til this point and now I was in panic mode as if this was my worst fear coming true.

Long story short is I have told her I respect the friendship, I like him and could see us as good friends, but I'm not comfortable with her staying the night. She has said she won't give up her friend, me being uncomfortable means I do not trust her and she won't split hairs with friend meaning whether guy or girl she will treat them no different. She says she isn't my ex and shouldn't have to pay for her mistakes. I agree she shouldn't, but I want someone who understands I was hurt, respects that while I respect the friendship I draw my boundary at staying the night.

I'm curious for your advice on this please.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

hi welcome

Customer:

Hi Jen

Customer:

Hello

CoachJenK :

Hi.

Customer:

Read the trilogy I wrote?

CoachJenK :

I feel for you my friend and I believe you are on target. Yes I enjoyed the trilogy.

Customer:

At the end of the day this is such a grey area and no one is right or wrong, buuut

Customer:

I'm lost in this situation

Customer:

believe I'm on target?

CoachJenK :

it all comes down to feelings and you are right it is not about right and wrong...it is about mutuality and respect of each ones feelings

CoachJenK :

yes you are on target

Customer:

It's tough....awesome girl, great qualities, intelligent and very attractive

Customer:

She is very type A and believes I'm trying to control her and my request is extreme that I ask her not to stay the night

Customer:

I'm trying to make her choose

CoachJenK :

yes and I am sure those qualities can be said about you as well

CoachJenK :

I dont see that.

Customer:

lol ask the ex (jk)

CoachJenK :

in a relationship we dont stay the night with the opposite sex even if we are friends

Customer:

I told her I'm uncomfortable and she said no it's that I don't trust her

Customer:

just curious but why not? I agree with you but wondering your rationale

CoachJenK :

I dont see that...I really dont

CoachJenK :

its one of those unwritten rules....code of relationship

CoachJenK :

I wouldnt even think of that and I wouldnt be comfortable doing it or letting mine do it....notice I slipped and said letting...that tells you my feelings about it

Customer:

you're human

Customer:

I can see her point that she says I don't trust her in one way

Customer:

cause if it was a female I would be ok with it

CoachJenK :

now if you came to me and said because of my past relationship issue...and her cheating on me, I am a wreck all the time and I am jealous and crazy everywhere then we would be having a different conversation, but that is not what is happening

Customer:

when actually I believe our place is at home with each other 99% of the time

CoachJenK :

its not about trust but it is about the male female thing...I truly get your view

Customer:

My past effects me

Customer:

but I accepted them beings friends

Customer:

knew I had to get past it

CoachJenK :

yes and that makes you incredible!

Customer:

and that was just a line I didn't want to cross

CoachJenK :

because you are evolved. give yourself some major credit here.

CoachJenK :

you do trust her but it makes you uncomfy and that is okay and the point is to get her to understand that....but you may have to lay off a bit so she can come to a place of understanding

CoachJenK :

without feeling like you are controlling her

Customer:

O I have pushed to hard

Customer:

Feel like she has pushed back very hard to have it her way

CoachJenK :

I dont know that you have, but she feels that way

Customer:

Well when I say pushed to hard

Customer:

brought it up to much, addressed it to much

Customer:

should let the dust settle more

CoachJenK :

not for you but for her maybe

CoachJenK :

and both needs in a realtionship need to be met

Customer:

this is true

Customer:

I don't feel resolution

CoachJenK :

make sense? your need it to talk about it until you feel resolved and hers is to feel like its enough already

Customer:

like she wants the walls black I want them white but we still haven't decided on the color (if that makes sense)

CoachJenK :

exactly and that is why you want to talk about it more....makes sense to me

Customer:

total sense

CoachJenK :

total sense to me too with your analogy

CoachJenK :

so if you cant decide on the paint color you step back for a bit

Customer:

Best I had and tried using with her at the time, but think she is very fed up with it and I agree with stepping back

CoachJenK :

and mayeb in a bit you can write it all in a letter and she can read it and not feel "pressured" to respond or defend

Customer:

part of the problem is she is moving out to allow us to work on other issues

Customer:

not cheating or anything of that nature but more just differences that I believe she is holding onto

CoachJenK :

yikes what does that mean

Customer:

good question

CoachJenK :

lol

Customer:

it got rough

Customer:

thought it was over

Customer:

before the dust could settle she signed a lease

Customer:

I asked her to wait and let the dust settle but she signed it 6 days after the fall out and I asked her to still stay

CoachJenK :

i am not in love with her being very reactive and not giving time to things

Customer:

but she said we need this, we need space, we need time to heal

Customer:

told her I don't need the space, I just need to work on things together and move on in a positive direction. I can make it work as long as we do it in a positive manner together, but she needs the space to let go of things as we work on things

CoachJenK :

As a Dad you have learned these skills and this could be a difference between the two of you...where she may be a little less mature...that is not a slight to her, but rather just that you have different styles

Customer:

Well some of my incite (my own perception) is that she has a mom who is type A, single for forty years, stubborn who she is somewhat like

Customer:

not sure about this one

Customer:

lover he to death but it could be ice cream......as much as you love it, it's not always good for you

CoachJenK :

not sure meaning what

CoachJenK :

you are funny

Customer:

be like ice cream

Customer:

what I mean?

Customer:

about her mom?

CoachJenK :

no about not sure about this one...meaning is the relationship worth saving?

Customer:

She is very worth it

CoachJenK :

ok then you will do what needs to be done to make it work

Customer:

but I believe there is a realization that someone is worth it, but it doesn't mean their the right one to save

Customer:

if we can compromise yes

Customer:

unfortunately I feel as if she had boundaires coming into the relationship

Customer:

I had boundaries

CoachJenK :

yes and i hear your willingness but i worry about her ability there....and now that you told me she is moving out I worry

Customer:

and she has said with a lot of things that we will not create a new boundary together, but rather the relationship will take on my boundaries

Customer:

why do you worry?

CoachJenK :

because i dont hear a lot of ability on her part to feel your perspective and respond to it.

CoachJenK :

sometimes in a relationship we have to give over for the sake of someone else. If we do that all the time then that is not right but sometimes we have to

Customer:

Well she said she would walk a fine line and be careful with it

Customer:

but she said if he called her next week and wanted to come hang out she wouldn't say no

CoachJenK :

well that makes me feel better

Customer:

he would be driving 1.5 hours

Customer:

so if he stayed the night she wouldn't say no cause it's her friend

CoachJenK :

ok and thats fine because you said you are okay with it but you are not okay with a sleepover date!!!

CoachJenK :

aaarrrghhh

Customer:

I said if he calls and wants to stay and he knows we are working on it and seeing each other throughout the week

Customer:

why can't she tell him she is staying at my house or me at hers, but he is more than welcome to still come

CoachJenK :

let him come and then go home...period end of story for me!

CoachJenK :

different if you were still living together and you said hey bud you are drunk..hers a pillow grab the couch

CoachJenK :

heres a pillow...sorry typo

Customer:

I guess what I see is that her mom thinks like this

Customer:

her mom is an awesome strong woman

CoachJenK :

I am with you on this one...fully

Customer:

but one who shares views much different of the norm within our society

Customer:

my gf believes that who cares what people think (which I agree) but I have tried to show her this is not extreme and is 95% of the time not acceptable

CoachJenK :

to me it shows an immaturity in being in a relationship because that is more colleg like than adult like

CoachJenK :

its not about what others think...it is about what YOU feel when she does this and her respecting those feelings and not wanting to cause you grief. She can hang with him but she wont have any pain by having him go home so why not give that to you...it just doesnt make sense to me

Customer:

well he lives an hour fifteen away and it's splitting hairs to her

Customer:

meaning treating a friend different

Customer:

a female could do it so why can't he if nothing is going on

Customer:

and if I trust her

CoachJenK :

maybe I'm stubborn cause that just doesnt make a difference to me

CoachJenK :

so lets just say this...you and I are on the same page...you and her feel differently around this. can you let it play out for a bit and see how you feel? In the end it will come down to whether you can tolerate it if she wont make that change

Customer:

agreed on that

Customer:

I have questioned ending it when she moves out

Customer:

I love her but we are early 30s, dating 26 months and she needs to take a step back

CoachJenK :

dont rush...take some time to see how it feels

Customer:

and I didn't see it coming

Customer:

two kids I'm worried about who love her, she is great to them, they don't see the issues, but she can't be walking in and out

Customer:

and concerned if things get tough again whether now or in marriage could she stay and make it work

Customer:

I agree I should let the dust settle and see how it goes

CoachJenK :

yes and I didnt even think of that....she needs to think of that and them too and her reaction to the problems and her leaving does worry me.

CoachJenK :

but I want you to stick it out and work on things...see how it feels.

Customer:

I agree with that.

Customer:

it has been so tough cause she signed the lease five weeks ago

Customer:

we hang out with friends and get along great

CoachJenK :

you are a loving guy and the break may help..we just dont know yet

Customer:

they don't understand how we seem so happy

Customer:

nor do I understood how two people can be so in love but not be able to figure it out

Customer:

understand not understood lol

Customer:

anyway time will tell

CoachJenK :

you might be able to...time will tell. I just want for you to feel validated about your feelings

CoachJenK :

so give her that space, trust her as you do and see how it all goes

CoachJenK :

and take care of your beautiful kids

Customer:

hard to argue with that

Customer:

thanks for the chat

CoachJenK :

love that! :-)

Customer:

if I hit save an exit will it save this?

CoachJenK :

it has been my pleasure. Please come back to me anytime...you can request me. If you have found me to be helpful please click accept

CoachJenK :

this thread should remain in your account.

CoachJenK :

save and exit is not an accept for me

Customer:

ok got it. thank you

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1722
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
Coach Jen K. and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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