Hi Coach Jen,
I do have another question I wanted to get some feedback about. 2 years ago in my MBA program, I became friends with a guy in class who kept asking me out. I have gone out with him numerous times over the last 2 years. We go to dinners, movies and out in the city at least once a month.
When we first met, I did not really pay him much attention or take him seriously because he is 27 and I am 32 and because of religious differences (he is muslim and I am hindu). He kept calling and asking me out and I liked his company o I would go sometimes. Last summer in the middle of the night he texted me "I love you" randomly and the next day called me to make up a story about how his friend took his phone and was playing a joke. I know he did that because he must of been drinking and I did not respond to his texts that week about getting together.
We had multiple conversations about being in a relationship, and I asked him about the religious differences and his opinion. At first he told me he didnt care about it, but I asked him a few questions and he said that he wants to be like his dad and follow the religion. I told him I would not even consider converting my religion unless it was something I really believed in and at this point I am happy with my religion and culture.
In the past 2 years, we would hang out often and a few times kissed and made out, but not anything further because I would always so no. I think he knows that we are both not willing to compromise on the religion aspect, but I do not understand why he keeps calling me to go out.
The last few times I saw him, his behavior changed a bit. He asked me to have sex with him and told me that whenever I am ready to let him know. I asked him if he only want to hang out with me because he wants sex and that I was offended that we have known each other for 2 years and he is saying this to me.
This is what he said to me: He said Sheba, we have known each other for 2 years and I know women like to play hard to get, but you are like impossible. I want to have sex with you because it would be the best thing ever and I know one day it will happen.......I then told him that he needs to relax and if he didnt want to hang out anymore that would be fine because I am not looking for a purely casual or sexual relationship with any guy. He said...no..it wouldnt be like that and that he loves spending time with me.
I seriously cannot believe he made that statement to me. I told him I was not willing to do that unless we were in a relationshipand he hesitated and said..."well, what you told me about our religious differences...I thought about it and I agree with you, but I like you soo much...and am soo attracted to you...i don't know what to do" He said he likes the relationship we have right now.
The relationship we have right now consists of him calling me periodically like every other week or so to go out for happy hour, dinner or movies and talking, drinking and him then trying to make out with me...which 99.9% of the time doesnt happen. I hardly ever call him , but he always comes looking for me. I asked him what he wants and he said he doesnt know what to do and if I would just stop bringing up the religion thing and go with the flow that we could have a great relationship. I said...whats the point of investing myself if we already know that this will cause us major problems in the future. If we can compromise it now, we would be much happier and would be able to trust each other more.
The truth is, I actually do like the guy, but try to distance myself from him because I know these religious issues will surface later on and I will get hurt. That is why I do not call him. Now, I am not sure if he actually like me as a person or is just trying to get sex. We have been hanging out for 2 years and I do have feelings fro him and that is why I resist kissing him and anything else because I know I get very emotional with physical contact and am not sure of his true intentions.
I saw him last weekend and we went out drinking and I slept at his house in the guest bedroom and then we went out to eat breakfast together after of course he tried to feel me up and kiss me in the morning! I know its weird, but I always tell him to stop being silly and he stops and we leave. I can see he gets frustrated. But I also feel that if he cannot commit to a relationship, that I do not want to commit myself either...definitely not sexually!! Why do men try to do this! I am actually kind of disappointed that he is not blatently asking for sex from me. I know he has been dating and sleeping with other girls in the past 2 years and have not gotten into a relationship with them. He has not told me that directly, but I know that if he and I are just friends and we are not having sex, that he must be doing it with others. However, he always calls me and asks me to go out and we always have fun until the end of the nght when we are in his car and he tries to kiss me or ask me to come to his house and every time except for last weekend I said no. Last weekend we slept in separate rooms and nothing happened except for a little kissing.
I am at the point where I want to either be in a relationship with him so I can trust him or just not see him anymore because I feel that this is getting unhealthy. Last weekend I think he got a little upset because he has a male buddy who is hindu as well and I asked him if he would set us up since we are the same religion and since we are not in a relationship. I did that to see his reaction...he said hell no! I asked him why won't you help me find a nice guy if we are just friends and you like hanging out with me. He said it would be awkward for him and that he would be jealous.
Yesterday, for the first time ever I called him to ask him to hang out friday night....I think he is playing games now for some reason and I dont like it.
I was actually thinking to text him and cancel and just let him go because I dont like the way he has been talking to me and approaching me. The last time I saw him...he said...you're just a tease, but I respect you. That made no sense to me and I have no idea what to do about this.
I was hoping you could help me figure out an effective way to talk to him or some way to figure out what he really wants from me. I asked him directly one time and he said I think you are the best and I really like you alot, but I am not sure what to do about the religion issue.
Anyway, what would you do? Should I say or do something that can help me gain clarity to try to get involved or walk away from this? I really like hanging out with him, but then always feel bad the next day because I have no idea what we are doing. We are more than friends, but not in a relationship. Not really even dating. So what is this? He seems to like it, but what does he get out of it? Its def not sex! I don't get it. I really don't understand.
Please give me your honest opinion.
Thanks and sorry for the long email...its really hard to explain everything without the story.