I dont think you have done anything wrong. Your ex overstepped the boundary and this new guy has some past hurts and he is protecting himself.
I know this is probably all trivial...but for some reason it bothers me
Yeah, that is what he told me
it is not trivial at all. you like him and want things to be okay...
but now he doesnt call me at all
I do but really dont know what else to do
when he canceled our last plans and I didn't respond
because he is scared and in protection mode. You can either call him or send him an email acknowledging the overstep by your ex and reassuring him of how you feel for him.
he seemed to actually get concerned and called multiple times
I would let him know that you dont want to badger him if he feels he needs to step away but you like him and want to see where things will go.
we spoke twice about the ex issue and he said he wanted to take things slow and doesnt want to get back in the same situation he was in before
but now he doesnt call me and canceled plans twice
he seems to need the reassurance
but what can I do to reassure him..if I cant see him
then I would not call and let him miss you a bit and come back to you and let him initiate the plans
I dont think he will call
he did last week when he got nervous
because he is scared
only because we made plans
or I may not have heard from him
its like he just wants to ignore me so I will go away and he doesnt have to take the rish
not sure about that. how do you feel about writing the email?
I would rather call and talk to him
I am not afraid to
but I am not sure what is going on
ok I think that is great.
his voicemail said he would make it up to me
and you can let him know you are unclear and just want some clarity so you know how to proceed
but he never called back
the day after the confrontation with my ex...i called him...he sounded really down
I asked him if there was anything I could do to prove it...but it is really hard to prove
unless my ex calls him...last think I need
yes because he felt nervous and retreated. I believe a bit of reassurance will go a long way
do you think I am annoying him by calling him
I called him twice last week
not at all...you are looking to reassure and get clarity....that is kind.
I know you did.
so just ask for clarity
meaning...should I ask how he feels
I would give reassurance first and then ask him directly...are you still interested in dating or does it feel too difficult?
should I tell him it made me sad he canceled twice
and I would like to see him
I would hold off on that because he knows it and i dont want him to feel any worse than he already does
I would say that you would love to see him and that he is who you are interested in
I was just hoping he would have called me since he canceled and said he would make it up to me
because before he always called and asked me to go out
so weird how the tables turned
I know how you feel and I agree with you. I wish he had done it too, but he is scared and unfortunately playing out his last hurts with you.
which may mean he may never get over it
because he has trust issues
my plan would be to call him, let him know how you feel and then wait to see what comes back. If nothing does then you have the information to move on...even though it will be painful at least you will know
Yes, I just want to know
and to know I tried
to fix things
Exactly. He is lucky to have someone so caring and i hope he can come around and trust.
I hope so too!
I will call him tomorrw then...
thanks so much
i am rooting for you. Let me know how it goes.
my pleasure. You are a pleasure.
thanks soo much!
Let me know if I can help you with anything else.
Hi Coach Jen,
I do have another question I wanted to get some feedback about. 2 years ago in my MBA program, I became friends with a guy in class who kept asking me out. I have gone out with him numerous times over the last 2 years. We go to dinners, movies and out in the city at least once a month.
When we first met, I did not really pay him much attention or take him seriously because he is 27 and I am 32 and because of religious differences (he is muslim and I am hindu). He kept calling and asking me out and I liked his company o I would go sometimes. Last summer in the middle of the night he texted me "I love you" randomly and the next day called me to make up a story about how his friend took his phone and was playing a joke. I know he did that because he must of been drinking and I did not respond to his texts that week about getting together.
We had multiple conversations about being in a relationship, and I asked him about the religious differences and his opinion. At first he told me he didnt care about it, but I asked him a few questions and he said that he wants to be like his dad and follow the religion. I told him I would not even consider converting my religion unless it was something I really believed in and at this point I am happy with my religion and culture.
In the past 2 years, we would hang out often and a few times kissed and made out, but not anything further because I would always so no. I think he knows that we are both not willing to compromise on the religion aspect, but I do not understand why he keeps calling me to go out.
The last few times I saw him, his behavior changed a bit. He asked me to have sex with him and told me that whenever I am ready to let him know. I asked him if he only want to hang out with me because he wants sex and that I was offended that we have known each other for 2 years and he is saying this to me.
This is what he said to me: He said Sheba, we have known each other for 2 years and I know women like to play hard to get, but you are like impossible. I want to have sex with you because it would be the best thing ever and I know one day it will happen.......I then told him that he needs to relax and if he didnt want to hang out anymore that would be fine because I am not looking for a purely casual or sexual relationship with any guy. He said...no..it wouldnt be like that and that he loves spending time with me.
I seriously cannot believe he made that statement to me. I told him I was not willing to do that unless we were in a relationshipand he hesitated and said..."well, what you told me about our religious differences...I thought about it and I agree with you, but I like you soo much...and am soo attracted to you...i don't know what to do" He said he likes the relationship we have right now.
The relationship we have right now consists of him calling me periodically like every other week or so to go out for happy hour, dinner or movies and talking, drinking and him then trying to make out with me...which 99.9% of the time doesnt happen. I hardly ever call him , but he always comes looking for me. I asked him what he wants and he said he doesnt know what to do and if I would just stop bringing up the religion thing and go with the flow that we could have a great relationship. I said...whats the point of investing myself if we already know that this will cause us major problems in the future. If we can compromise it now, we would be much happier and would be able to trust each other more.
The truth is, I actually do like the guy, but try to distance myself from him because I know these religious issues will surface later on and I will get hurt. That is why I do not call him. Now, I am not sure if he actually like me as a person or is just trying to get sex. We have been hanging out for 2 years and I do have feelings fro him and that is why I resist kissing him and anything else because I know I get very emotional with physical contact and am not sure of his true intentions.
I saw him last weekend and we went out drinking and I slept at his house in the guest bedroom and then we went out to eat breakfast together after of course he tried to feel me up and kiss me in the morning! I know its weird, but I always tell him to stop being silly and he stops and we leave. I can see he gets frustrated. But I also feel that if he cannot commit to a relationship, that I do not want to commit myself either...definitely not sexually!! Why do men try to do this! I am actually kind of disappointed that he is not blatently asking for sex from me. I know he has been dating and sleeping with other girls in the past 2 years and have not gotten into a relationship with them. He has not told me that directly, but I know that if he and I are just friends and we are not having sex, that he must be doing it with others. However, he always calls me and asks me to go out and we always have fun until the end of the nght when we are in his car and he tries to kiss me or ask me to come to his house and every time except for last weekend I said no. Last weekend we slept in separate rooms and nothing happened except for a little kissing.
I am at the point where I want to either be in a relationship with him so I can trust him or just not see him anymore because I feel that this is getting unhealthy. Last weekend I think he got a little upset because he has a male buddy who is hindu as well and I asked him if he would set us up since we are the same religion and since we are not in a relationship. I did that to see his reaction...he said hell no! I asked him why won't you help me find a nice guy if we are just friends and you like hanging out with me. He said it would be awkward for him and that he would be jealous.
Yesterday, for the first time ever I called him to ask him to hang out friday night....I think he is playing games now for some reason and I dont like it.
I was actually thinking to text him and cancel and just let him go because I dont like the way he has been talking to me and approaching me. The last time I saw him...he said...you're just a tease, but I respect you. That made no sense to me and I have no idea what to do about this.
I was hoping you could help me figure out an effective way to talk to him or some way to figure out what he really wants from me. I asked him directly one time and he said I think you are the best and I really like you alot, but I am not sure what to do about the religion issue.
Anyway, what would you do? Should I say or do something that can help me gain clarity to try to get involved or walk away from this? I really like hanging out with him, but then always feel bad the next day because I have no idea what we are doing. We are more than friends, but not in a relationship. Not really even dating. So what is this? He seems to like it, but what does he get out of it? Its def not sex! I don't get it. I really don't understand.
Please give me your honest opinion.
Thanks and sorry for the long email...its really hard to explain everything without the story.