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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3247
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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Friendship. I am trying to understand something here. A

Resolved Question:

Friendship.

I am trying to understand something here. A friend texted me saying that she would like to stay at my apartment for an overnight stay and I was not available and she was kind of being rude and pushy saying that her mother is coming over as well and that she treats me a ticket to a theatre but I did not want that. I politely explained that I was not available and I offered her a lunch at my place on a Sunday and she did not reply ever since. I thought that was so rude of her. She is the person who thinks it is okay to ask me at the last minute saying I am in this country for a few days and expect me to drop everything for her? What is your opinion? I was told by a good friend is to ignore her text message by not replying to her so that she gets the message?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi Good morning.

CoachJenK :

or afternoon for you.

Customer:

A very good afternoon to you.

CoachJenK :

I believe you have done nothing wrong. We are not always available when others want us to be.

CoachJenK :

You were lovely to offer the lunch option and I am saddened that she couldn't respond to that.

Customer:

Yeah, exactly, I like my own space and it does not mean I have to say yes every time!

CoachJenK :

I agree

Customer:

If she is upset about it then it is her problem and not mine?

Customer:

I can say a white lie if I want to when I don't want to meet her?

Customer:

She thinks she have the power over me? Is that right?

Customer:

I mean she say things knowingly fully well that it is not nice to do in that way e.g it has to be her way rather than me - do you get me?

CoachJenK :

I might send her a text message with a warm tone that says...I am so sorry that I can't accommodate you the night you would like to stay with me, but I would love to have you for lunch. I didnt hear back from you so please let me know if you are desirous. I would love to see you. If she doesnt respond then you have done all you can

Customer:

I am not going to send her another text message today as she has not responded to my offer of a lunch today.

Customer:

That is since Monday!

Customer:

I think that is rude for hanging on the rail not knowing the anaswer?

Customer:

CORRECTION: For hanging me on the rail

CoachJenK :

ok I am okay with that too.

CoachJenK :

whatever you feel is right for you but I do agree that yo have done nothing wrong

Customer:

So next time, are you saying that if a person don't reply then just delete the message and forget it but the next time I see her and if she says something about it then what shall I do?

CoachJenK :

I wonder if you dont clear this up now will you hear from them again?

Customer:

Oh no, I know her very well but she is a woman with man touster

CoachJenK :

I would hate for you to lose a friendship over this and I am not sure she gets the message if you dont respond.

Customer:

She gets angry when she does not get what she wants e.g no reply to my text message is considered as very rude.

Customer:

I think she is upset about it.

CoachJenK :

ah I get it. :-)

Customer:

I am not worried about friendship because it is her problem and she have not rights to control me to get what she wants.

CoachJenK :

correct and just because she wants you to be available doesnt mean you need to be or are.

Customer:

Exactly

Customer:

She expects me to drop everything just for her

Customer:

Once I say no then she goes on on

Customer:

to try and make me feeling gulity etc

Customer:

I don't like that at all

CoachJenK :

not a good space for sure and she sounds a bit entitled

Customer:

What does that mean?

CoachJenK :

your feelings are valid and I am sure she is not used to people saying no since she sounds like such a force and when you do she has a bit of a tantrum

CoachJenK :

entitled: expects people to jump when she says so

Customer:

Yeah

Customer:

You got it

Customer:

I think she has to be told

Customer:

because my other friends felt the same

CoachJenK :

we are on the same page. I like and admire your strength

Customer:

:-D

Customer:

I like simple and quiet life as I enjoy my own company

CoachJenK :

you sound like a fun person to be with...lots of spunk

Customer:

Most important of all, I am a happy person and I can't please people all the time when they are not happy!

Customer:

I know they enjoy my company but I can't be there for them all the time!

CoachJenK :

amen to that!

Customer:

Thanks for your kind words and yes, you will find me to be fun with!

Customer:

LOL

CoachJenK :

I am already finding that. stick to your gut as you have...it will not steer you wrong.

Customer:

Another thing, a friend who is so close to me but he often overstay the welcome and I feel awful but like today I asked him when is he going to leave my home otherwise he would stay until so late!

Customer:

He was here since Wednesday and I thought ttoo much for me because he enjoys my company but it does not mean that he can stay more to keep himself entertained!

CoachJenK :

that is absolutely correct. if you dont advocate for your needs they will just stay and stay

CoachJenK :

everyone needs their own space

Customer:

He says like oh I am going home back to square one! It is making me feeling guility and I have to ignore that and throw in the bin as if he never says it!

CoachJenK :

you are not a hotel...just a great friend to be around

Customer:

Exactly!

CoachJenK :

whats with these people?

Customer:

I told him that this is not a hotel and put your place in the dishwasher!

Customer:

I don't know!

CoachJenK :

lolol

Customer:

They are lovely but sometimes, I have to keep my distance just to have my own space.

CoachJenK :

dont bring him room service or he will never leave.... :-)

Customer:

I know that I am admired by so many but sometimes i have to ignore them

Customer:

:-)

CoachJenK :

so many cant take time for themselves as they dont like their own company so I am glad you have that sense of self. keep up your great pride...I like it.

Customer:

Great, thanks for that and I think there is no harm for me to be tough but polite since they will come back to me!

Customer:

lol

CoachJenK :

I agree.

Customer:

Yeah, be myself and I don't care what they think since I know who I am and what I am like.

Customer:

whether they like me or not the door is there and is always open!

CoachJenK :

nothing wrong with setting boundaries...people protest because it may not be what they want.

Customer:

I think it is selfishness and thoughtless.

CoachJenK :

ok...Ill be over in a few hours! what are you making for dinner?

Customer:

I am busy!

Customer:

LOL

CoachJenK :

Did you hear me laugh all the way across the pond?

Customer:

Unfortunately, I am not available as I am with someone for a theatre visit.

Customer:

Did I hear you laugh?

Customer:

I am not too sure about the answer to that?

CoachJenK :

because I joked and said I will be over in a few hours

Customer:

Right okay.

CoachJenK :

anyway. you are doing a great job and I commend your inner strength.

Customer:

So, if someone sends me a text message and I don't reply then they get the message so I did not say anything once they ask me why I did not reply e.g I did not get your message or maybe I overlook etc

Customer:

Thanks so much

Customer:

I think mobile should not have been born or to get rid of unlimited texting plans as it affects people etc

CoachJenK :

if it were me I might say I got the message but I didnt know how to reply because I didnt want to be rude.

Customer:

Right okay

Customer:

Politeness then

CoachJenK :

yes so many relationships are altered through texts and people dont talk anymore

Customer:

Sad though

CoachJenK :

I always go for the politeness...

CoachJenK :

very sad

Customer:

It should be interesting what happens next in the future when mobile dies etc

Customer:

I don't know! lol

Customer:

Technology

CoachJenK :

the human spirit gets lost in all of it and so many incorrect assumptions are made

Customer:

I totally agree with you.

Customer:

I say to a friend once saying that I have to switch my phone off to give my mind a rest so that I can enjoy humanity stuff!

Customer:

They were like oh mobile is my bible

Customer:

I thought totally pathetic

Customer:

i can live without it for a week!

CoachJenK :

Me too! so keep being true to who you are...you sound lovely and enjoy the theater.

Customer:

Thanks and have a great day

Customer:

Bye for now

CoachJenK :

bye for now. come back anytime.

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