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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5552
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Dear Dr. Kate McCoy Currently I am facing a problem with my

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Dear Dr. Kate McCoy
Currently I am facing a problem with my one year marriage that it we don’t get a solution it would easily lead to a divorce.
Since the beginning of the relationship there were some moments were he told me that he felt insecure about being with me was what he really wanted. Even though he loves me, he has always believed that in order for a relationship to work there has to be a “crazy in love” feeling, and that he felt that part was missing on ours. The first time he told me this, it was hard for me and I told him that I believe that true love was beyond that. And even though you could feel a strong-crazy attraction towards a person once that feeling pass there were other things that matter (trust, communication, common interests, care and love for each other’s family), things that were growing on our relationship during that time and that now we are married are stronger. At that moment since he was ending our relationship the only request I asked was to please do not look for a me as a friend since it was hard for me to offer him friendship when I needed to heal myself. He said he did not want to lose me and after hours of talking he decided to give a chance to our relationship.
Time passed by until the point we got married, after that we have to be apart for almost 6 months and then I moved abroad to leave with him and start our family together. For me marriage is a serious commitment and as a wife I decided that even though I had a secure job, family and friends in my home country, I had to take the decision to leave and start a life with him, so I did. Sadly when I was finally with him I realized that something was not right, he told me that during those 6 months he met a friend with who he realize that his original concept of that feeling of being “crazy love” could actually become true, that he didn’t said anything to me before because he did not want to hurt me and since he never anything to happen (between them two, like cheating on me) that he did not see the need to talk to me about it. At that moment we talked about it and conclude we could work on our new marriage since there was and still it no doubt that we love each other. I decided to leave that episode on the past and simply concentrate on giving my best especially now that we were living together and he also said that he was going to do the same.
Now having almost 10 months living together, we certainly get along and shared moments together as a couple, he still tells me that he loves me very much and that for sure I make him happy since he believed Im a good woman with good qualities and values. However the same discussion we had when we started going out and then when I moved in with him, happen again. He again told me he felt that he was not being honest by not telling me how important was for him to find that ideal of what love means for him. That he knew each day he was seeing how much I was given myself to our relationship but that he was afraid that someday he would find that person that would make him feel like his idea of love was right and harm me more because he wouldn’t be able to control himself and cheat on me. Sometimes he felt he did not defend enough that ideal love that he had and he is afraid that ideal love will hunt him for the rest of his life and then end up in disaster and destroying our of marriage in the future.
He said he did not doubt that he loved me unconditionally and that he didn’t know if it was an insecurity or psychological problem that he had since he comes for parent with a really difficult marriage and separation. Then again I listened to him and made him see that is not that I don’t care about him defending his ideal but that I simply believed that if that ever happen to him again just as it happen in the past he would be able to see that what We have is stronger and solid, now even more that we have lived together and that he had live with a partner by his side.
We do not want to take a wrong decision without an expert or someone neutral advice, he have even talked about separation (divorce) since he thinks this is something that can harm us even more in the future. I told him that I believed in this marriage since we have seen that it works, and I could understand he had those anxiety attacks where he felt he could harm me for those insecurities issues but that until today he has not done it. On the other hand each day he is more given to this marriage, being a support for me and without a doubt a loving and caring husband. I won’t denied that I am also afraid of what could happen if we do not take the right decision, and if I as a women getting involved in something that could harm me even more in the future or if this is a situation of marriage that we have to face and overcome and that if one of us is struggling the other is there to help and do not bail of the situation.
Please I need advice on what we should do on our marriage and if this can be overcome.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 2 years ago.

Hello! Thank you for requesting my help.

 

It sounds like your husband has some issues from his past that are interfering in his ability to understand how to love someone else. When people are raised in a family that shows love in a dysfunctional way, they are unable to learn what love means and how to express it. The only know the dysfunctional way of relating. It sounds like your husband might have grown up in a home where showing love and having a stable relationship was not shown to him so he is having trouble knowing what is needed in his relationship with you.

 

Your husband is searching for the ideal love that provides the "crazy in love" feeling that comes with the honeymoon phase of a relationship. When people first meet, they do feel an intense connection with one another that drowns out the rest of the world. This is the initial bonding that couples go through. But that stage only lasts a short time. The next stages takes what the couple discovered about one another during the first phase and explores it further. For example, if you found that your partner was good at paying his bills when you first met him, that might have seemed to be a very admirable trait. But as you move on from the honeymoon stage, you look at his trait and see that it also means he is very frugal, something you did not notice when you fell in love. Now the relationship becomes more realistic.

 

Your husband may be expecting that the two of you will always feel intense attraction to each other. When in reality, love is more like you describe- everyday commitment and good communication. Relationships are work which many people do not realize. This may be why so many give up and file for divorce and continue the cycle of looking for the perfect love.

 

In order to help your marriage, your husband needs to decide if he is going to commit. That means he cannot hold it over your head that one day he may find his "true" love and disappear. That only undermines your trust and your ability to be there for him. To commit, your husband should see his feelings about your marriage as an issue. He needs to admit he has an problem or he will continue with his expectations and this problem will not get resolved. Therapy is the best way for him to address this problem. He needs to find a therapist who can work with him to get to the root of why he feels as he does. He can ask his doctor for a referral or search on line at http://www.imhpj.org/.

 

Your husband can also learn more about relationships and love through self help. Here are some resources to help:

 

Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Nan Silver and John Mordechai Gottman

 

Fighting for Your Marriage: A Deluxe Revised Edition of the Classic Best-seller for Enhancing Marriage and Preventing Divorce by Howard Markman, Scott Stanley and Susan L. Blumberg

 

How to Love Your Wife by John R. Buri

 

You can find these books on Amazon.com or if you have a library nearby.

 

I hope this has helped,

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
He has been committed all the time, since we were boyfriend/girlfriend, even on our distance relationship and now that we are living together. The only moment he felt he doubted was when he met that friend that I told you about, to be honest with you during that time our relationship was being affected by constant fights via skype so I even can tell you it was not pleasant.

Even though we were like that he did not do anything with his friend, he did not cheat on me. So he even ask himself...How come if she was what represented his "definiton" of love and things were not that good between us...how come he could not do anything? he could not cheat on me?. He ask me this sometimes...and honestly I do not know what to tell him anymore, because when I said that I think is because he gave more weight to our relationship he feels my opinion is bias since I want to save our marriage. What to do You think?

When I ask him if he can commit to this marriage, he says that "yes now in the present he can...but what would happen if that same episode of him meeting someone happens again in 5, 10 years (of marriage)".....and he cannot control himself. By some reason he feels he wont be able to control himself, even though the first time it happen (that we were not even good terms, not as Good as we are now) he could not do anything.
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 2 years ago.

I understand he has doubts but that does not mean he does not have choices. And he can choose to stay and commit if that is what he wants to do. But in order to do that, he needs to see what he is doing as a problem.

 

If he is saying that he is not sure about how he feels, then he needs to decide if he is willing to commit to the marriage or not. It is not healthy for your marriage if he is always in doubt about how he feels. Since he could not commit to his friend either, then it sounds like he could have issues with knowing what love is, like we talked about in the previous post. It could also be that he is using his desire to find love as a way to manipulate you and hurt you. Without talking to him directly, knowing his true motive is difficult, but telling you that you are biased in saving the marriage shows that he is not seeing his issue as a problem.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5552
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy
Counselor
5552 Satisfied Customers
Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues