Hello! Thank you for requesting my help.
It sounds like your husband has some issues from his past that are interfering in his ability to understand how to love someone else. When people are raised in a family that shows love in a dysfunctional way, they are unable to learn what love means and how to express it. The only know the dysfunctional way of relating. It sounds like your husband might have grown up in a home where showing love and having a stable relationship was not shown to him so he is having trouble knowing what is needed in his relationship with you.
Your husband is searching for the ideal love that provides the "crazy in love" feeling that comes with the honeymoon phase of a relationship. When people first meet, they do feel an intense connection with one another that drowns out the rest of the world. This is the initial bonding that couples go through. But that stage only lasts a short time. The next stages takes what the couple discovered about one another during the first phase and explores it further. For example, if you found that your partner was good at paying his bills when you first met him, that might have seemed to be a very admirable trait. But as you move on from the honeymoon stage, you look at his trait and see that it also means he is very frugal, something you did not notice when you fell in love. Now the relationship becomes more realistic.
Your husband may be expecting that the two of you will always feel intense attraction to each other. When in reality, love is more like you describe- everyday commitment and good communication. Relationships are work which many people do not realize. This may be why so many give up and file for divorce and continue the cycle of looking for the perfect love.
In order to help your marriage, your husband needs to decide if he is going to commit. That means he cannot hold it over your head that one day he may find his "true" love and disappear. That only undermines your trust and your ability to be there for him. To commit, your husband should see his feelings about your marriage as an issue. He needs to admit he has an problem or he will continue with his expectations and this problem will not get resolved. Therapy is the best way for him to address this problem. He needs to find a therapist who can work with him to get to the root of why he feels as he does. He can ask his doctor for a referral or search on line at http://www.imhpj.org/.
Your husband can also learn more about relationships and love through self help. Here are some resources to help:
Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Nan Silver and John Mordechai Gottman
Fighting for Your Marriage: A Deluxe Revised Edition of the Classic Best-seller for Enhancing Marriage and Preventing Divorce by Howard Markman, Scott Stanley and Susan L. Blumberg
How to Love Your Wife by John R. Buri
You can find these books on Amazon.com or if you have a library nearby.
I hope this has helped,
I understand he has doubts but that does not mean he does not have choices. And he can choose to stay and commit if that is what he wants to do. But in order to do that, he needs to see what he is doing as a problem.
If he is saying that he is not sure about how he feels, then he needs to decide if he is willing to commit to the marriage or not. It is not healthy for your marriage if he is always in doubt about how he feels. Since he could not commit to his friend either, then it sounds like he could have issues with knowing what love is, like we talked about in the previous post. It could also be that he is using his desire to find love as a way to manipulate you and hurt you. Without talking to him directly, knowing his true motive is difficult, but telling you that you are biased in saving the marriage shows that he is not seeing his issue as a problem.