Hi! I believe I can be of help with this issue.
I can imagine how confusing and distressing this situation must be for you. You are right: this siltation has the potential to lead to disaster. If you two have children and you are this uncommitted to your wife, it will not take another woman much at some point to completely throw you off balance. And as you get older, with more responsibilities, more tired, more stresses, more worries, if you are not basing your life on a foundation of strength, you will be thrown off balance more and more easily. So that woman you met will become other women and it will not be as easy to resist when you have all those pressures on you at home.
The question is not whether "love" is one way or another. It's not a question whether her more traditional, old world view of love is correct. Or your more "movie" definition of love (where there are sparks flying between the two people) is correct. There is no correct definition of the correct style of love. It is what gives you the foundation you need to whether life's difficulties that counts. And for you, that sparks definition of love is what is most meaningful and emotionally nurturing and satisfying. Your wife may be right: after a couple of years with Ms. Sparks in your eyes you may find that she's not so sparkly in the morning without her makeup and with a couple of kids and everyone under pressure and stress.
But you have signaled to yourself and to me pretty strongly that if you don't find out for yourself, you will always feel as if you missed out on life. That your foundation will never be strong. You'll have built your life on regrets.
So I have no way to encourage you to stay in this situation when you still have a chance to leave before there are kids involved. My main concern is not to have you write back to me when you have kids saying that you feel trapped and like you have missed the boat (I get those letters). Or that you have kids and feel trapped because you just met the most exciting woman in the world and you don't know if you can keep yourself from going after her (I get those letters also).
Okay, I wish you the very best!
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