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Ask-Rivka
Ask-Rivka, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 57
Experience:  Licensed Social Worker
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Im a single 32 year old female w/out children...I work full

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I'm a single 32 year old female w/out children...I work full time, and part time... I consider myself to be a fairly attractive woman... Many say I favor the late Lisa "Left-Eye" Lopes of the popular 90's R&B Trio T.L.C. ... I intend to return to school in efforts of obtaining my MA., and PhD., in Psychology... I've paid off some bills..moved back in with my parents..and saving money...

My problem is "dating"... I live in the New York Tri-state area... I'm African-American, and 5"8" (without heels)...

I've joing popular dating websites... Plenty of fish .com Match .com, etc...

In summary...the guys that I'm meeting are all about sex...
Because Match .com claims to have a promising success rate... I've joined..and became a paying member... I've met a total of 4 guys off that site..(I'm no longer a paying member of)...

The first one was African-American... I found out he was playing games..he was 33..he started telling me "small" lies... and with holding information way in the beginning..so... I left him alone..

The second guy I met was Italian 33, male, lives in Queens, NYC.. (I normally don't date guys from NY, because they're normally super ghetto)..but this guy kept emailing me off of "Match com" so... I figured I'd give him a shot...

We went out once..shot some pool, went to dinner..and ended up kissing at the end of the night... we text back and forth for like a month...

In the interim I met a 27 year old single African-American male..that lives in Jersey...

I went out with the Italian guy again... and one more time... the 3rd time we were intimate...

I went out with the 27 year old African American guy 3 times..and the 3rd time we hung out we were intimate...

Like 4 days after Valentine's Day..the 27 year old tells me that he and his "Ex" have been talking...and she's coming from California to visit... so he's gonna "focus on that for now"..
I don't think an "EX" would pay for roundtrip airfare to New Jersey... I think that's his girlfriend...or boyfriend(he's originally from Atlanta).... nevertheless..I never heard from him again...

The Italian guy because distant...and stopped responding to my texts, a week after we were intimate...he stopped calling me too... text him to ask him if he were mad at me..and four days later...he text me to tell me he wasn't mad at me..and that's the end of that...I stopped texting him...

So..I've deleted my account off of match .com ...for obvious reasons...

So... I went back on Plenty of fish ..(because if I'm gonna meet men..that are only looking for sex...It might as well be free)....

Last night.. I went out with a guy...to dinner..who I met online..chatted with him for a week..last night was our first date...

He showed me pictures of his dog....we had great conversation and hit it off...
after dinner he invited me back to his place..to meet his dog...(yeah right)

So...by now... I'm an 'expert' ...in the field of 'knowing what time it is with these guys' ..

So..I politely declined his offer to "COME TO HIS HOUSE AT 11:30PM on a Wednesday"....smh!

So...last night I text him..thanking him for dinner..telling him I had a great time..and to have a good night............... as u can guess..... He didn't respond.

So, this morning... I text him.. and said good morning...and to have a good day..

His response was "Ditto"....

That was cold...

So, I'm thinking... " I KNOW..he's not mad...that I didn't come back to his house...ON A FIRST DATE"..who does that?

and if he DID think that I was going to come back to his HOUSE at 11:30PM ...then that's what he gets.. for "thinkin"...

My question for you is why do I keep meeting guys that are just looking for a sex? ...

I consider myself a very attractive girl..with a good job...over 30 ...no kids...never married..and I hit the gym 4 times a week...

I have THEE hardest time with dating..

It's like.... when I date men.....and go on like 7 or 8 dates with them..without having sex...they get frustrated...and distance themselves...I dated this one Jamaican guy... we went on like EIGHT dates... never had sex with him... Movies... comedy clubs..basketball games, lounges, dinner...EVERYTHING... and no sex... he got frustrated and left me alone...
I kind of felt bad... but...with the luck I'm having with these guys now... I kind don't feel bad..that I was spending up all his money...

Because ..when I'm "nice"...and hang out with a guy...cleaning, cooking...being available to him sexually..and doing all that stuff...they treat me like garbage...

But..
When I'm in "a USER" mode... trips, comedy clubs, lounges, dinner, boat rides, basketball games, etc...and I 'KNOW' that I have no intentions of having sex with him... that when they respect me...

Thoughts?
What do you think I should do in terms of dating?

I'm super frustrated right now...and thinking of going back to my old ways of just dating..getting free stuff and no sex...

I welcome any criticism
thank you so much... I know this is long...
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ask-Rivka replied 2 years ago.
Hi there-

First of all, you should not let these guys convince you that there is anything wrong with you if you do not have sex with them (not the first night or the eighth night or ever). If he's a good guy and worth dating, he will respect you and will not be just interested in sex. All those guys you listed sound like real jerks for making you feel badly for not having sex with them.

Second of all, I think if you're interested in getting in a relationship, getting married, and having kids, you should date without sex/fooling around. You will more quickly weed out the guys who are not interested in what you're interested in.

Third, you probably are putting out some kind of vibe or thing that is attracting these men. It's going to be your job to try to change that. This is not easy, but with some greater awareness of what you put out, you will be able to change things to attract the kind of man you want. How you will accomplish this is that you should see a therapist. This would be a great next step. The therapist will help you figure out exactly what is going on, help you analyze the situation further, and will help you change some things in order to attract a different type of guy. You can find a therapist by looking on your health insurance website to find one who takes your insurance. Or you can look on www.psychologytoday.com or www.aamft.org

In the mean time, just a quick suggestion-- there have actually been studies where they have edited women's profiles online to see different reactions/responses from men. Take a look at your profile (and ask a friend or even a male friend to look at it). Make it a little less sexualized/sexy and perhaps you might attract a less sex-oriented guy.

I hope this helps you. I hope I have provided you with the reassurance and the referrals necessary to help you with this situation. Good luck to you.

ps- on a side note (and personal note)- i was experiencing a similar thing, and then I took the above-mentioned advice, met my husband, and was married in 4 months. there is hope.
Ask-Rivka, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 57
Experience: Licensed Social Worker
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