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Ask-Rivka
Ask-Rivka, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 57
Experience:  Licensed Social Worker
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My husband and i get at each other all the time..... for an

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My husband and i get at each other all the time.....
for an example this morning I had a word with my eldest daughter who is 9. She got a bit upset so we had a little cuddle. My husband walks in and asks - what is going on- I replied, Nothing, he then said again what is going on - again I replied , nothing. My daughter then left the room, my youngest (6) came in and my husband asks here to leave so he can shut the door and ask me again....so I explain it really was nothing worth repeating, a simple misunderstanding, she had got a bit upset so i gave her a cuddle. I then also said - but when I say nothing that is what it means - it is nothing worth repeating. He then state that he has a right to know whats going on - and I said but if I say nothing he should leave it - as I was trying not to make a big deal of it and now he has.... this then gets worse and I say he has no empathy with these sorts of situations and he need to learn to understand, - I then get told I am constantly critisising him - and running him down and all because he has not let this one thing go - and yes i may be being critical because he should have just left it.....how do we stop having these stupid arguments.
on a different occasion I ask him why he reads my texts - he says it is because they are on my phone where the business emails are, I say why do you read my texts, it isnt right.
Like it isnt right for him to open a letter with my name on. He thinks that is acceptable..I dont and i dont think reading texts on my phone is - I never ever pick his phone up.....

He has just left the house stating that he is fed up with me having a go at him running him down and critising him all the time - when all i have done is ask why he needs to read my texts...
What am I doing wrong - help i am fed up with all the arguing. he has now gone off in a sulk without saying goodbye.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ask-Rivka replied 2 years ago.
I'm so sorry to hear the troubles that you and your husband are in. I think there are a few things that maybe going on here. See if you think any/all of these could be it:

1) It sounds like there are some trust issues in the relationship for some reason. Your husband seems very insecure about what's going on that he doesn't know about. It seems extreme. Furthermore, you have differences in whether you think it's appropriate to read texts/email/mail. Both opinions are valid, so you need to figure out whether there is an underlying trust problem in your relationship and where that came from and try to resolve this.

2) Your husband seems to be suffering himself with some sort of issue (low self-esteem, depression, etc). The way he is acting shows a strong defense mechanism and so I'm wondering why he needs to be so defensive? He is obviously trying to protect himself from your criticism. You should know that criticism is very detrimental in a relationship and it may be that you are criticizing him more than he can handle. He seems to be really on the defense and very insecure. I'd pump up the praise and limit the criticism to things you really think are important.

3) It sounds like you guys are not on the same page with a lot of things. I'd recommend seeing a marriage therapist to help you deal with your communication issues/trust issues/ parenting styles. You can find one at www.aamft.org or at www.psychologytoday.com. You could also contact your health insurance provider and look for someone who takes your insurance who works with couples.

Overall, it sounds like couples therapy would greatly help you guys (not to mention your children). If your husband refuses, consider individual therapy to work on some things you may be able to do differently.

I hope this helps! Good luck to you!
Ask-Rivka, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 57
Experience: Licensed Social Worker
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