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Dr-A-Green
Dr-A-Green, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 309
Experience:  Clinical and Forensic Psychologist
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We have been married for four years. We have been together

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We have been married for four years. We have been together for about 10 years. This is our second marriage for both of us. Anyway, to get to the point. It has been a very rough marriage. Both of us work. He works a 40 hour job and I work about 50 hours a week. My husband is very jealous. Let me mention that I have never stepped outside of our marriage ever, nor have I ever wanted to. I work as a caregiver and I work with women all day except in the late afternoon I work with a male. I have explained that nothing is going on, but the fact that he is a male is a reason to be suspicious. He will make accusations on a daily basis that I have something going on. We are all adults and we go to work to work. My husband feels that if I do not try to institute sexual intimacy that I am doing something. Sometimes I am too tired as my day starts at 6:00 am. I try to explain myself and he says I am lying. I don't say anything and that is a problem. We are not talking at this point. I am sick of the way things are. How would you handle this situation, and how should I handle it? I have to add that there is a lot of arguing and yelling on his part.

Dr-A-Green :

Is there a history of infidelity in a prior relationship for him? (I need to get some history to be able to advise you competently)

Customer:

Yes, his ex wife cheated on him. I have never cheated on my husband, and after our rocky marriage, I have no desire to even talk to another man.

Customer:

What do you suggest?

Customer:

Are you still there?

Okay - well it sounds like that might be where some of the insecurity is coming from. So at the very least, there's a concrete reason that makes sense. However, there may be a couple of things you can do to ease his mind. If you don't feel like initiating sex (because you're understandably tired), have you tried touching him in a caring manner and saying that you love him very much and would like him to hold you (in lieu of sex)? I'm not sure of the parameters of your job, but does he know any of your co-workers, etc? Being very transparent with your relationships with other should help a little.

All that being said, you shouldn't be subjected to constant accusations based on his fears from a prior relationship. Have you tried couples counseling before?

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I have tried telling him I love him either verbally or thru text messaging throughout the day. We have tried therapy but only went a few times.
Hmmmm - why only a few times? What happened?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I instituted the therapy as he is also an alcoholic and at one time, he became physical and threw me out the door.

The therapy was to be couples but due to my situation at the time, she wanted to see us individually. He never went.
Alright. So there is alcohol involved in the picture as well (currently)?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Yes, on a daily basis. Were you able to tell that by the way I was describing things?
I had wondered, yes. His reactions just didn't sound rational when compared to the stimulus, you know? When alcohol or drugs are involved it kind of sends those emotions lying beneath the surface into overdrive. So if someone tends to be the suspicious type, it just gets out of control. That puts a new perspective on it because it's unlikely that there will be anything that you can do to keep those overreactions of his at bay if he's drinking. Have you tried Al-Anon or continued counseling on your own? If you can't change him, you can at least get some support. You're a care-giver for a living, I'm absolutely certain that you need and deserve some caring of your own!
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Dr. Green,

Thank you. You are right. I feel very alone, as at this point, no matter what I do, it is not enough or good enough. I will seek some counseling. I won't keep you any longer. I kind of needed someone to bounce ideas off.

Thank you for your help and words of encouragement.

No problem! It can be so hard when you're in a helping profession (I relate with that, for sure). Caring for ourselves is so hard when we're trained to take care of everyone else. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that you get the support you need.

Take care,

Dr. G.

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