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Dr-A-Green
Dr-A-Green, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 190
Experience:  Clinical and Forensic Psychologist
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after 26 year of marriage, he went to Thailand for 3wks(with

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after 26 year of marriage, he went to Thailand for 3wks(with my blessing), then comes back & tells me he met someone ( a bar girl no less), condom broke, so no sex for us for 6mths, but lets take one day at a time. Then I find an email, where he tells her he loves her, then he starts ringing her, finally tells me we have to end our marriage. So we have to spend next 3months together in our house,(as we are overseas on holiday in Canada) while he rings her etc, while still telling me he loves me and is confused and he doesnt love her. Such lies because a few days after that I find a really bad letter saying he does love her totally and hes going back in 3 wks to Thailand and then I find out hes sent her $800 and hasnt told me that at all. All the while giving me a hard time about our finances together. How self absorbed is he?? I am devastated but have had good support from my friends, but so angry about his behaviour & expectations of me still. Still verbally abuses me when he's frustrated. About to leave this house & go back home to Australia, so won't see him now for who knows how long? But should I call him on the fact I know about the money & the latest letter??
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr-A-Green replied 2 years ago.

Dr-A-Green :

Hmmm - what would the purpose be for you calling him on the letter and the money?

Dr-A-Green :

Ideally it would be good to gage what the intended result is (for you)

Customer:

I would get the satisfaction of him knowing that I know he's been lying to me all the while and

Dr-A-Green :

If its worth it to you and wouldn't cause more problems than its worth, then go ahead! There's nothing wrong with sticking up for yourself. However, with the way he's been treating you, I wouldn't be holding out for any specific type of reaction from him. It sound as if he would be unlikely to show remorse or upset if confronted. Also - would confronting him possibly cause him to do something more drastic (e.g. empty the bank accounts)?

Customer:

having had to listen to him crying about us and how guilty he feels, when he obviously doesn't. Still have a long road to travel with him, as we have to finish our house back in Australia before we can sell it, so I still have to deal with him on a lot of issues. I want him to think about how he needs to be truthful. I just can't tolerate any more lying. I am strong enough to handle the truth and it would make things easier when dealing with him ( I think). He can't actually empty the accounts as I have all the passwords and he even has to ask me for the money to go back to Thailand

Dr-A-Green :

Okay - so there isn't much of a chance of retribution on that end, so that's good. Also, I agree that transparency would be ideal, but before you confront him I would want to take stock of how likely it is to make a difference in the way that you want it to. For instance, would it actually compel him to be more truthful or would it do the opposite and tempt him to hide his dealings more effectively? (Sometimes not admitting you know puts you in a position of more power)

Customer:

OK I understand that. I guess my reason for getting some help, is that its been really difficult to keep a happy face here, with all our friends, as they only know we split and that he called it. Practically everone we know has been fantastic to me (dinners, outings etc) anything to keep me busy & occupied and he has been totally snubbed. Phone only rings for me, so he's whined about that. I do know that I am probably ging to be better off without him down the track, but its still so raw and I stupidly do still care about what happens to him. I have asked some friends here to try and discreetly have him to dinner and ski with him after I leave next week. I am going back to our home to start packing it up and sorting things out, while he's off galavanting around and I don't know how I'm supposed to do what I have to do. I guess just time huh?? Thanks for your help.

Dr-A-Green :

Of course you still care. I can't even imagine! It must be so difficult and I feel for you. The temptation would be to shout from the rooftops about how duplicitous he's being. But it sounds like you are doing a lot more than just surviving and I'm in awe of that. If you keep doing all the things you're doing and realize that you are better off, I think you might be able to skate by this with the knowledge in your back pocket. Either way, you'll come out on top. I wish you the best of luck - you sound like a very strong woman.

Dr-A-Green, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 190
Experience: Clinical and Forensic Psychologist
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