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Ask-Rivka, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 57
Experience:  Licensed Social Worker
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I was married for 6 years

Resolved Question:

I was married for 6 years and now I have been living with my girlfriend for 3 years. During my marriage I often paid for sex, and now still pay to receive oral or hand relief now and then. I find I masturbate more than having sex. I masturbate daily whilst watching porn, or with my housemates underwear. When I do have sex with my girlfriend, I find I want to do it in the lounge whilst watching porn, also with the thought of our housemate walking in. Or getting her to dress up. Whilst going on holidays to a beach, I cann’t wait to go nude and have my girlfriend give me oral or hand relief, hoping someone will see.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ask-Rivka replied 5 years ago.
Hi there- I'd like to help you, but I'm not sure I understand the question. You described your preferences, but I don't understand what kind of help you are looking for. Do you feel uncomfortable with them? Do you want to understand why you have these preferences? Please let me know what you're looking for so that I may help you further.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Hi there thanks for replying. I am trying to more understand why I have these preferences.


I was sexually abused as a child around the age of 8 - 9. I had to share a bed with my cousin and she used to abuse me. Is this why I like to masturbate alot? Also the reason I prefer masturbation more than sex.


I used to get dressed as a girl when I was younger. Is this why I use girls clothes?


Why do I perfer the thought of being caught having sex or performing a sexual activity? I had let total strangers openly watch and never stopped.


Why did I like paying for sex? I dont pay for sex now but still sometimes pay for oral or hand relief.

Expert:  Ask-Rivka replied 5 years ago.
You have a lot of insight already. The fact that you were sexually abused is most likely the reason why you have these preferences. You see, when someone is sexually abused, they have a loss of power. Masturbation is the body's way to control what is happening to them sexually. You much prefer masturbation (most likely) because you are in total control and there is no power-sharing. Sex implies a sense of vulnerability, which feels unsafe to you due to your history of sexual abuse. I think the girls clothes thing also has a lot to do with it. I'm not sure if your cousin was a female or a male, but dressing up as a girl made you feel safer, which is why you likely still prefer it today. Additionally, your brain was trained from an early age that someone may walk in and "catch" what is happening. You likely knew that what was going on was not right. Therefore, your brain made a connection between "being watched" or "being caught" with sexual activity. As for the paying for sex, that's the same thing as above. You need to be able to control the sexual activity and you need to feel the power (due to your history), so you have preferred to pay (which gives you the power that makes you feel safe). I would STRONGLY recommend that you see a specialist if you would like to resolve these issues. You can find a trained sex therapist at

They could help you process the abuse, talk about your sexual preferences now and why you choose them, and will help you transition to more healthy sexual activities.

I hope I have helped you gain the awareness that you needed and helped encourage you to pursue the referral for continued services. Good luck to you.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I have been researching alot and know a little bit. My cousin was a girl aged 19 at the time. Often when I was young I used to get caught masturbating. Knowing that I could get caught I still openly did it.

Expert:  Ask-Rivka replied 5 years ago.
I think you are very brave to open this memory and try to resolve this for yourself. THis really does explain a lot. You equated sexuality with "naughtiness" and "fear of getting caught." I would encourage you to go to therapy in order to better work out the history of abuse. If i have helped you, encouraged and reassured you, and provided referrals for continued services, please click the green accept answer button to accept my answer. good luck!
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

But is it not ok to wear ladies clothes, or use them as a stimulant?


Is it not ok to have people watch?


This is what confuses me. I kind of know why I do it. But I still think it is ok.

Expert:  Ask-Rivka replied 5 years ago.
It's not that it's not okay.... it's just that you might want to think about why you are doing it and whether it is healthy for you to continue to engage in these practices. It might be perpetuating your abuse history and be making things worse for you in the long run. Since the reason you are doing them is because of abuse, it is probably not so healthy to continue to engage in these practices in the long run. It would probably be a good goal to reduce the frequency of these practices and try to get satisfaction from more healthy behaviors. A therapist will help you with this transition, as it should not be quick or rash. You should merely think about the fact that engaging in these behaviors reminds your brain of the abuse from a long time ago, which is why you find them pleasurable... i hope this helps you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Should I tell my girlfriend?

I went to councelling before for my divorce and during councelling we did touched on my abuse a bit. The councellor said not to worry. And that I was normal even with my sexual preferencesm
Expert:  Ask-Rivka replied 5 years ago.
You should tell your girlfriend only if you feel like she will understand and support you. It's a personal decision, so you definitely shouldn't feel like you have to. You should try to find a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse and trauma because it's definitely relevant. Good luck! I'm so happy that you have the confidence to pursue counseling again.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
You say that its not that it is not ok. So you do think it is actually ok to do what I do.

I mean I am happy with it. Is there really any need to try and change my sexual preference?
Expert:  Ask-Rivka replied 5 years ago.
LIke I said, it's possibly unhealthy because it is re-enforcing in your brain structures that were created from abuse. THat's why I would say that they might be unhealthy. I'm not implying that these behaviors are inherently unhealthy, but for you they really could be.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
It is strange and confusing that so many people have different views. Some exerts say I am a sexually dievent. Others say I am a sex addict. Others say it is ok and totally normal as long as I am comfortable with it. :(
Expert:  Ask-Rivka replied 5 years ago.
It's totally "normal as long as you're comfortable with it" as long as it is not perpetuating sexual abuse history. Someone without that history who prefers one thing or another -- it's probably fine. But likely for you, it is recreating those memories in your brain-- therefore probably not so healthy. And yes the professional community is divided on this issue, so there are many opinions (most with good reasoning and research). I hope I have helped you. Please accept my answer if I have answered your questions. Good luck to you.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
One last question pls. I was never shown any effection whilst growing. No hugs no kisses etc.

I now don't like people hugging and kissing me.

Why is this?
Expert:  Ask-Rivka replied 5 years ago.
Yeah you were not accustomed to it, so it is not a comfortable, comforting, or familiar thing for you. Your brain did not make the connection between affection and physical affection, so you do not have that today. It makes total sense. You develop very long-lasting habits/preferences from childhood that are deeply rooted in your brain and this is just one of them.
Ask-Rivka and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thanks for your help

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