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Ask-Rivka
Ask-Rivka, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 57
Experience:  Licensed Social Worker
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I am 44 years old and my girlfriend of 1.5 years is also 44

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I am 44 years old and my girlfriend of 1.5 years is also 44 years old. 4 months before I met her I was at a required work event and I partied with all my friends there. One of my company (Very small firm) co-workers I sucked her toes in just a party manner. I have no feelings, never did have feelings or will ever have feelings for this girl. I have to work with her from a distant about 2 times a year. mostly be in the same room during a company meeting. Once my girlfriend found out about the one time partying (before I met her), she can no longer tolerate that person and goes completly bizerk if I am around her in any way or working at customers within any short distances. She continues to talk to me as if I am untrustfull. I don't know what to do short of quiting my job, but I have finical commitments with house, cars, bills, and a standard of living I told myself a long time ago that i will do whatever to maintain no matter what. What do i do? How can we get past this and continue to grow our relationship and get to the next stage wich is all I want?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ask-Rivka replied 2 years ago.
Hi there- it seems like she is really having a hard time moving past this incident and seems to have difficulty trusting you, more generally. Seeing that you probably told her you were faithful and that you are not interested in that girl anymore, she seems to feel like you may get tempted or you may return to her if you see her. It seems like the situation is rather serious (you are talking about quitting your job so you avoid seeing that woman twice per year). It also seems like you have tried to work this out on your own, but like you said, you guys end up screaming at each other. She is very insecure about the relationship and you need to do whatever it takes to make her feel secure about it. (THis may be entirely her issue, by the way, but I'm saying that you should try your best to help her feel more secure in your relationship). I would recommend that you recommend couples therapy to her. Tell her that your relationship is SOOOO important to you and that you really want to work on your relationship and get past this event/problem. You could research therapists and find one and ask her to please come to counseling with you. You can contact your health insurance provider and look for a therapist who specializes in couples therapy. Your work might even give you 6 sessions somewhere. You could also find a therapist at psychologytoday.com

I hope this gives you some ideas on what to do. Good luck to yoU!
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
The one thing that you are overlooking is that I never had anything with the girl for me to go back to and never will. I think I do a lot to ensure her with our relationship. I do not feel like I give her any reason to fell otherwise. Am I selfesh? I never feel appreciated for anything I do. It's not fare and I do not know how much more I can take. I do love her very much but when is enough enough?
Expert:  Ask-Rivka replied 2 years ago.
Oh i guess I misunderstood and thought you inferred that there had been a little something between you two. Well clearly she feels very insecure as compared to that girl and is in need of serious reassuring. IT's not fair to you and you're not being selfish at all. However, she is your girlfriend and I assume that you want to stay together with her. Given this, I would encourage you to help her feel more secure in your relationship. Since you have no idea why she feels so insecure and discussions lead to arguments, I recommend seeing a professional's help so that you guys may work to resolve this trust issue. Very likely, you did nothing wrong, but you guys need to work on this because she is feeling so insecure and having such a hard time trusting you on this issue.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I guess the botXXXXX XXXXXne with you is that we need to see a professional. I metioned about quiting my job but that is really not an option for me at 44 years of age. would not feel fair to myself with the commentments I have made to banks and myself. Your answer of makeing her feel more secure is very general. I am a guy and need specifics. This is not the only person I get hateful remarks about when they are clode or around. I ask everyone I know to try to validate to myself that I am not that type of person and in fact the answer I always get back is that I am not now or never was that type of person in fact I have been criticizsed for the drastic change I have made. recently I have had the feelings that this is something we will never overcome and what is the use of dragging ourselvs through the agony.

Expert:  Ask-Rivka replied 2 years ago.
Well it's your choice whether you think this relationship is worth going to therapy or not. I am just assuming that you want to resolve this problem, but certainly you guys could also choose to terminate the relationship. Quitting your job is not at all the answer because it does not solve this problem-- it's merely a band-aid. Her unreasonable demand should not be met because that will only lead to more problems (such as financial problems and resentment on your part). Making someone feel more secure in a relationship is not easily accomplished with a few bullet points... it's rather the major "feeling" of a relationship (the mood, if you will). Therefore, showing her that you will go to therapy to work this out will not only show her that you are willing to go that extra mile but you guys could learn to work on the trust/attachment in the sessions. I'm sorry I can't give you a few easy tips for making her feel more attached. This is likely a very deep-rooted problem which will need a professional's help.
Ask-Rivka, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 57
Experience: Licensed Social Worker
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