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Ask Dr. L Your Own Question

Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1168
Experience:  Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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Im in a relationship with a married man. We have been together

Customer Question

I'm in a relationship with a married man. We have been together for 2 1/2 years. I love him very much and he always tells me that he loves me too and to be patient. We both have children and I'm separated. I wish that we could be together everyday, but it hasn't happened yet although he has stated that he wishes to marry me. I'm sooo confused.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. L replied 3 years ago.

Dr Levang :

Hello,

Dr Levang :

I would like to help you with your question.

Dr Levang :

I would like to get a little more background information and find out a little more about your situation.

Dr Levang :

What keeps you in this relationship? Is it the hope that he will leave his wife to marry you...or is it something else.

Dr Levang :

Does your husband have any idea you are in another relationship? Does his wife?

Dr Levang :

Can you tell me how old you are and the ages of your children?

Dr Levang :

Have you fallen out of love with your husband...or is it that you love this man more?

Dr Levang :

I see you are typing. I will wait for your response.

JACUSTOMER-4zgz8zh5- :

We have many common interests and enjoy each others company. I would like to be married to him. I am separated and my ex has moved out of the house. His wife has suspicions but does not know. My daughter is 19 and son 13. His daughter is 9. My ex was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. I love the man I am seeing now but think that he will not commit.

Dr Levang :

I am sorry to hear that your husband was abusive. That is a difficult situation.

Dr Levang :

What makes you think that he will not commit? Do you think he will not leave his marriage? Or, do you think that once he leaves his marriage he will not want to marry again?

Dr Levang :

Have you talked to him about your fear that he will not commit to you?

Dr Levang :

I will wait for your answer.

JACUSTOMER-4zgz8zh5- :

yes I have talked about my fear and he keeps saying be patient.

JACUSTOMER-4zgz8zh5- :

He says that he will end his marriage however the time is not clear.

Dr Levang :

How does he feel about the ultimatum/deadline you gave him?

Dr Levang :

Will you carry through with it?

JACUSTOMER-4zgz8zh5- :

He keeps trying to extend it. I think I should carry through with it, but at the same time I want to see him still.

Dr Levang :

Unfortunately, when you set that kind of ultimatum you really need to follow thru. Hard as that might be. The reason being that if you do not follow thru, he has no reason to take you seriously. If he already has asked you to extend it...he is showing that he feels you aren't strong enough to keep your word. Not only is that disrespectful to you, but it says he does not honor your feelings or take you seriously.

Dr Levang :

Yes. I understand that you want to see him ... that you love him...and want to marry him. But...how much of your life are you willing to wait for this to happen?

Dr Levang :

If you ended your relationship with him...then what? Would you try to repair your relationship with your ex? Or are you moving towards a divorce with him?

JACUSTOMER-4zgz8zh5- :

That is what I kind of thought too. I am moving towards a divorce with my ex. I guess it will take some time to heal from this situation as I love this man very much.

Dr Levang :

Yes...it will take some time to heal from the relationship as your dream of a life together may not happen. I am sorry.

JACUSTOMER-4zgz8zh5- :

thanks for the advice

Dr Levang :

Unfortunately, you cannot "make" him leave his wife. At the same time, it is not fair for you to wait endlessly and keep your life on hold for something that may not come. That would be unhealthy for you.

JACUSTOMER-4zgz8zh5- :

I would agree.

Dr Levang :

I hope you found our chat helpful.

Dr Levang :

Good luck to you!

Dr Levang :

I wish you well.

Dr Levang :

Dr. Levang

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