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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1744
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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Hi, This is a long story to please bear with me. There

Resolved Question:

Hi,

This is a long story to please bear with me. There is a girl who works across the hall from me who I always thought was beautiful and sweet and i always thought something was special about her. She always had a boyfriend so I never really pursued anything. One day we were chatting in the the hallway and it turns out she and her boyfriend broke up and ironically now lives 2 blocks from me in NYC. A day after this conversation took place I actually received a message on Facebook from her saying hello and she actually asked me to grab a cup of coffee some time. I was happy about this but now I had been seeing someone for three months and of course I was kicking myself. I figured I am not married and only had been dating this other girl for 3 months so why not just go out with her as girls like this truly do not come along too often. We made plans to grab some drinks after work instead of coffee. After a few minutes of conversation she asked me if I was seeing someone and I believe in honesty and told her that I was seeing someone but it was not serious. At first she was taken back a little but then how I explained that I wasnt married and I want to keep my options open especially when special girls like her come along. We were having a great time and decided to go to another bar where we started to get touchy/feely and there was some kissing going on. After this she told me that she doesnt share men with other women and I need to end things with the other girl if I ever want to go out with her again. She also said she will not speak to me anymore if I didnt call her over the weekend. I dont want to portray this girl as being needy or psycho as she is just a confident, smart beautiful girl who can get many man and from her viewpoint she doesnt want to be treated like the "other" women which I understand. After we both went our seperate ways she texted me saying that she had a great time and asked me when will we see each other again so I know she had a great time and liked me. For some reason I could not get my act together and never had the guts to leave the girl I am seeing now and also never called her over the weekend as I guess I thought she was bluffing. On Monday I had sent her an email saying that I just want to get to know her better and she was very cold in her responses. I also asked her to do something that week but she said she would let me know when she was free. Ever since then I have not gone out with her again. When I email or text her she responds right away and is cordial when I see her in the building. Every time I ask her to do something she tells me she is busy or will let me know when she is free. Finally last night we had plan to meet for coffee in the neighborhood bet 7 - 8 pm. I texted her asking how she was looking on time but she said she got caught up in doing something and would text me once she was done. She had mentioned that she was meeting her friends at 9 pm and at 8:15 I had still not heard from her. I was a little angry because I felt like an "asshole" waiting for her and I then told her that it doesnt make sense for us to meet since she as meeting her friends at 9 pm. Im not sure if she was doing this as payback or what but when i sent her this text she never responded to me. Not sure if thats because she was angry that I canceled or if that was her plan all along.
At this point I am not sure what to do. I dont want to look desperate because I am really not. I am seeing a beautiful girl now and never have a problem getting girls but this one is special. I am not a religious man but I almost feel like this girl is meant for me. We have the exact same bday, she works across from me, ironically lives 2 blocks from me, and a few months back I ran into her at a random restaurant all the way downtown. Part of me wants to be persistent and just ask her out every week until she says yes and part of me thinks I should just give her space and not bother her. Rejection is a part of life and i can accept if she just doesnt like me but I believe she does and she is the one that initially asked me out. I just wanted to see her one more time before I ended things with the current girl just to make sure but now I cant even get her to go out with me again. Any advice would be great...and thanks for listening.

- Jordan
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi Jordan,

Customer:

hi

CoachJenK :

Seems like a bumpy ride so far. What would make you believe that it would be anything different if you were to get more serious with her. I commend your honesty when she asked you about seeing anyone. does your current girlfriend have knowledge about this? I also can't imagine your feelings are too strong for your current girl if you can be taken with this other woman.

CoachJenK :

That is telling in itself, but I am not sure ending with her to get another date with this girl is the way to go either.

Customer:

of course the girl I am seeing now has no knowledge

Customer:

and Im not a cheater

Customer:

just in this one instance did not want to pas son the opportunity

CoachJenK :

ok but you are willing to sacrifice something to grab a date with this other one.

CoachJenK :

I would pay attention to that.

Customer:

yea, the girl I am seeing now I like but dont know if I see a future

Customer:

im not in a super rush to get married but if the right one comes along I would get serious

Customer:

but she really has to be special of course

CoachJenK :

that is what I am hearing as well.

CoachJenK :

ok so lets play this out....

CoachJenK :

you end it with the current one now with no guarantee that new girl will go out with you...can you live with that?

CoachJenK :

does it concern you at all that new girl placed many demands on night one?

Customer:

i can

Customer:

umm...i thought about that

CoachJenK :

could be a red flag.

CoachJenK :

often we never pay attention to the red flag as our chemistry clouds it.

Customer:

but she grew up in morrocco

CoachJenK :

I am not saying you dont pursue her but just know that it exists

Customer:

and is from a conservative jewish family

CoachJenK :

so you are saying it is cultural?

Customer:

so yea..culturaly she is different

Customer:

but I am attracted to that

CoachJenK :

and in conservative jewish families the women tell the men when to call and how to proceed? said with a smile of course

Customer:

haha

Customer:

i guess

Customer:

but for all she knows I could have already ended things with my gf

Customer:

but she wont even give me the opportunity to go out with her again

CoachJenK :

yes but maybe she is waiting for you to tell her that

Customer:

like I said if she just doesnt like me....I can accept it

Customer:

but I just dont believe that

CoachJenK :

that doesnt seem to be it

Customer:

thats true....maybe she is waiting for me to tell her that

CoachJenK :

i think she likes you but you didnt behave the way she prescribed

Customer:

agreed

Customer:

I guess I should just not talk to her until I end things with the current girl, huh?

CoachJenK :

so if that is her culture and she may act like that in a relationship with you are you okay with that?

Customer:

no risk, no reward I guess

Customer:

thats ok

CoachJenK :

I would be clear for yourself that you do want to end things with current girl

Customer:

I dont think she is that overbearing

Customer:

just a confident girl who doesnt want to be treated like a mistress

CoachJenK :

and then if you do I would reach out to the other one to let her know you are single and would like to take her on a proper date

Customer:

which I understand

CoachJenK :

I get it.

Customer:

I guess I made her feel stupid

CoachJenK :

and you sound like a gentleman

Customer:

and now she is giving it back to me

Customer:

I try

CoachJenK :

but you also need to be fair to your current girl with whom right now you are with but not being open

Customer:

I would not tel her about another girl

Customer:

but I would just end things

Customer:

but part of me doesnt want to do it until I see if te other one will give me another chance

Customer:

ya know?

Customer:

selfish I guess...but we are all a little selfish

CoachJenK :

yes hedging your bet.

Customer:

she answers my emails an text messages right away

Customer:

but just wont go out with me

CoachJenK :

well she is clear then about her rules and that is ok so it is up to you how you want to proceed

Customer:

so would u suggest I leave her alone until I end things with this one

Customer:

or keep in contact?

CoachJenK :

hmmmm. whats the lag time?

Customer:

what do u mean?

CoachJenK :

cause you arent sure you want to play it both ways.

CoachJenK :

lag time...between you deciding to end it and ending it?

Customer:

oh

Customer:

soon I would say

CoachJenK :

If it were me...I would want you to be clear first and then reach out to me

CoachJenK :

i would respect that way more

Customer:

i think u are right

Customer:

so maybe just back off for a little

CoachJenK :

remember your behavior as well will be indicators for her and she will be watching that too

Customer:

and then when I am available I will re-connect

CoachJenK :

yes and with a little hope and prayer she will be available.

Customer:

i guess u answered my question

Customer:

thanks for the help

CoachJenK :

I think you did! I was just here as the sounding board

Customer:

i believe everyone gets 2nd chances so I will keep my fingers crossed

CoachJenK :

you can always come back and ask for me and I will be here to support you

Customer:

thank you.

Customer:

have a good night. I will accept the charges

CoachJenK :

my fingers crossed too. Be a gentleman with your current as i am sure she has some strong feelings for you.

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1744
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
Coach Jen K. and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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