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Jen Helant
Jen Helant , Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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Ive been seeing someone for 7 months we connected on every

Customer Question

Ive been seeing someone for 7 months we connected on every level i loved him and he loved me, we wanted to be together but one problem his ex who he has two children with. He is scared that she will stop him seeing them if she new about me, his other fear is that she meets someone else and they are there to bring up his children and not him,even though he told me that he doesn't want to be with her. At christmas i called it off because i was scared of getting hurt and it really destroyed him so he told me that he thought about getting back with her because thats all he felt was good for him as he thought i didn't want him. We started seeing each other again but it wasn't the same he said he didn't want to spend to much time with me incase i blew him out again. About a month ago i saw a picture of him and his ex on face-book i confronted him about it and he said that it they just went out as friends to try and get on for the sake of the kids as they are always at war with each other he did briefly tell me before that he asked her to go out with him as friends, but it just really hurt me to see the picture the past month it has been difficult for me to contact him as his phone has been off and then he will call me back 2 days later which i have found very frustrating, so last saturday i text him and called the whole thing off as i couldn't get hold of him again to talk so i just sent him a txt telling him its over, even though i don't want it to be,two days prior to this he txt me telling me how much he missed me, and haven't heard from him since Ive tried to call and his phone has been off the whole time its now been over a week, he has obviously got a new number i know that he wouldn't not have an active phone now I'm left with loads of questions to ask he told me that he wanted to be with me forever and now we don't even talk will he ever contact me again?, has he got back with the ex? How can you do this to someone you said you really cared about, just don't know what he's thinking its driving me crazy thats why Ive come on here for some advise. Hope you can help?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 4 years ago.

Obviously he is the only one who knows where his heart lies and if he is with his ex. You do have to consider that if you are having this dilemma on a regular basis then this is always going to be a stressor in your life if you are with him. You have to consider whether that is something you want to tolerate over time. The fact that you wonder if he is with his ex proves that this is always going to be a stressor. For that is change he would need to develop strong boundaries with his ex and with your relationship. He can be a father without being a partner. You would need to make it clear that this is necessary and why.. If he can't do that then he can't be a good partner.


He may not have done anything intentionally but instead does not have firm boundaries with this ex and that is leading to these difficulties. He may be letting the ex run his life by holding the children over his head and that causes him to bend every time she calls. That would need to change.


As far as contacting you it seems that you both have to define what you want from each other. This off and on again relationship is only leading to heartache. If he is done he needs to tell you he is done. You can't change him until you decide where this is going. It is rude and insensitive to not return your calls so you need to decide if this is another behavior you wish to tolerate. Maybe he isn't' ready to commit to you because he has no boundaries with his ex.


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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
But thats what i don't understand he is not rude and insensitive he's really caring and has always cared for my feelings and told me he doesn't want to put me in this situation between him and his ex, and has never used me as a weapon against his ex which he has done with previous girlfriends so for him to just blank me like this is very strange and i just cant understand what he is thinking right now... for us to be as close as we were for 7 months and now nothing, this is why im not contacting him anymore because i won't tolerate this but then sometimes i feel guilty because maybe i never really showed him that i wanted him and he told me he wanted me, and i feel that he could be at home feeling down, then sometimes i think is he playing happy family's?
Expert:  psychlady replied 4 years ago.
It is very confusing especially since you don't know what is happening on his end. Don't second guess your communication or what you said and did. If he is with his ex it is because he wants to be. I think you did the right thing by making your decision. Assume that they are together just to find closure and look towards your healing process
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
We had an honest relationship, and i even suggested that he tried to make things work with his ex,for his children but he was so adamant that he never would she made him unhappy, and i always told him to be honest with me and at least thought he would explain his feelings to me if he did get back with her as we live in the same town and know the same people so if he has he would want to tell me first before i found out, i know he is dealing with a lot of personal family problems at the moment, its hard for me just to accept that and find closure when what we had was so special, don't really understand the thought process of a man is it just a time thing or is he cutting me off because he cant deal with this emotion right now?...
Expert:  psychlady replied 4 years ago.
That happens a lot where the partner wants to have a healthy family functioning and the father finds that difficult because he is scared of the repercussions. He could be cutting you off for either reason. I would bet that the better chance is that he can't figure out how to be with you and not face the wrath of his ex and how this trickles down to his children. That's the one that makes sense to him but really is a completely solvable problem
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Sorry don't really understand what your trying to say?
Expert:  psychlady replied 4 years ago.
I was saying that the female partner, you, sees a way for everyone to function well but the father, him, worries about the repercussions of having a girlfriend and ends the relationship because he wants to see his children. This is quite common. This scenario is a very possible reason for his abrupt change. Unfortunately you are left heart broken and the situation could be resolved by going a different way but he has to be able to stand up for what he wants.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I just hope that one day he realizes and he be happy the children are still baby,s, maybe its not the right time, but you cant be unhappy I think your right he cant manage an ex two kids and a girlfriend but one day he will have to learn, in the mean time i cant wait around but its sad its come to this you cant let an ex control your life, but i still do feel that if i had showed him more commitment then he would be with me now i think he feels very insecure and needs to be wanted, which is something i didn't give him as i was very wary because of the ex situation.
Expert:  psychlady replied 4 years ago.

He will have to learn. The timing of this probably was just wrong and he hasn't managed that. I would have been wary too. If he is insecure then he probably did find it difficult to let go. Just keep in mind you would have to deal with these insecurities over time. There would have been issues.


Be back tomorrow

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
So you think the best thing for me to do is not contact him?....But then i wonder if he is waiting for me to make more of an effort? Its just he said so many things that no matter what happened we would always be friends forever and i would be happy to know that we were ok even if he did get back with his ex, and now i just feel like we have fallen out, one of the last messages he sent me he said how much he missed me and would of begged to be with me forever but was scared so thats why he is going to do what he is doing for them, i just wished he picked up the phone and explained rather than put it in a text then turn his phone off, why would he do that?
Expert:  psychlady replied 4 years ago.
I think when people separate a partner who is really motivated will contact the partner because they know they want to be together. If he wanted to do the right thing he would contact you so I think it is best to let it go.People say we will be friends forever but in reality that hardly ever happens. It's just too hard to make that transition. It makes no sense that he is doing for others but it just is what it is. He may have put it in a text because in this instance he is a coward. It takes more guts to explain your situation.
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 4 years ago.
I think that you should not keep cutting the relationship off for everything that happens especially in a text message. Seems like there is not much communication here. Before assuming anything I think it is best to have a deep heart to heart with him. Let him know how you feel and you understand if he wants to make it work with his ex, but you need to know either way. Seems like you both are back and fourth. He is confused about what he wants and he needs his kids and is afraid to loose them. There are courts for that. Sometimes children are better off with separated parents than parents together fighting all the time in front of them. When you get in touch with him again tell him you both need to talk about everything that has been happening and during that conversation again let him know how you feel, see how he feels. Ask him to tell you what his issues are and see if you can help him. Let him know you are there for him either way and you want what is best. However, make it clear in a nice way that even though you are always there for him as a friend you really need to know what he wants because it is very difficult to be in limbo like this. I really think you need to communicate more instead of just cutting it off every time something happens. This may be one of the things that is making it harder for him to see what he wants. Communication is key! After the talk you will have a clearer picture of where your relationship stands with him. Then you can either move forward to heal your relationship or just find the closure that you need. I hope this was helpful. Please let me know if you need clarification and I wish you all the best!
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
Jen Helant and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Hi prior to my messages of my ex ignoring me. He finally txt me on friday saying that he really misses me and he is doing what he is doing for me, and that he saw me at work and just wanted to come in and hug me, then at the end of the txt said for me not to txt back to his message as it will make it more difficult for him, i haven't replied even though i want to and i miss him so much but just don't understand why you would txt and say not to reply surely just don't txt in the first place?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I didnt recieve an answer to my question?

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