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psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Have been married for almost 3 years. My husband has been married

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Have been married for almost 3 years. My husband has been married twice before, says his first wife cheated and his second wife had mental health issues. He had a daughter with his second wife. When things got tough he left her for another woman, who he met on the computer, which he did not tell me that I figured it out. I do know his second wife and yes she does have some pretty severe mental issues. Our first six months of marriage were tough putting two people who have been single for a long time together. I caught him going on fling.com. I freaked of course. He said he was just going on to watch porn and masturbate. I cancelled the membership. From that point I have been having a hard time regaining the trust. He is very computer smart. He always seems to be sneaky when on the computer. I occasionally would sneak on his computer and check his history and in the beginning he was having his history delete as he was on the computer. Another thing that made me suspicious. He stopped that after I said something. I recently went on his computer and found emails from an old love. Nothing inappropriate was said, but they did send hugs to each other. He did save the emails and did not tell me there was any contact from her. Makes me suspicious about his intentions. Also makes me think that anytime he gets a little stress in a relationship he way of coping is other women. Whether real or in porn. Or am I the problem for not trusting him.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 2 years ago.
I think you both are making some mistakes in this relationship but more so on his part. Porn does not have to be a relationship breaker but I understand your concern. Women often feel that they are not able to compete with these images and that they are not sexually adequate if this is happening. You should tell him exactly how you feel about this and get reassurance from him. He should be totally responsible for explaining what the purpose is and how he can eliminate this as part of his life. Distance is a small price to pay for honesty. He has to learn to communicate with you about anything. His two prior marriages are contributing to your mistrust. You need to work together on trust. Without that nothing will work. You may consider a few sessions with a couples counselor just to work on trust and communication. He has to be willing to do this with you in order to make this work.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thats why I asked the question. When he left his ex wife, and daughter, he just moved out to another state to be with this woman. He didn't tell me he had been having relations with her over the computer for I don't know how long before deciding to go be with her. I agree that now I worry when he is on the computer he is being sneaky. Then I end up finding something to validate my feelings. I also have had a bad marriage with a man who was very mentally ill and a cheat. I feel terrible for mistrusting him. Before the fling.com incident I had full trust, I mistakenly found that he was doing that as he went to the site on my computer and didn't clear it out of the history and when I went on my computer and went to go to a site it popped up in my history. When I found him doing that the first time he promised to stop, and I caught him a second time, with time in between and it was also by mistake as I came home from work and he had our bedroom door locked which he never does. He fell asleep and forgot to unlock it. I just don't want to feel insecure every day, I hate it. He is a good man, he is a hard worker, puts every dollar he earns into the household,he never degrades me or yells at me, never calls me names. He calls me hon and sweetheart, says he loves me all the time. I was only married once for 11 months. I am 46 years old. It took me over 20 years to remarry. Can you suggest someone in our area that we could talk to?
Expert:  psychlady replied 2 years ago.
I am not anywhere close to you. But the way to find someone in any area is to go to the American Counseling Association or the American Psychological Association. This would probably be very helpful
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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