How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Dr. Paige Your Own Question

Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1380
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
15718554
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Dr. Paige is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Hi, I am a soldier currently serving in afghanistan. During

Customer Question

Hi,

I am a soldier currently serving in afghanistan. During my tour I have started to see a girl (also a soldier) who is posted to the camp I'm on. At first it was just coffee and chats, but there was a clear connection and things quickly became physical.
During our relationship she has tried to cool it as that sort of thing is frowned upon, I've complied and no matter how hard we tried we always ended up in bed together.
We have since made plans to meet up on our leave, well today in fact. And made plans to holiday to Vietnam, and Germany, and continue our relationship when we returned from tour.

Unfortunately she has a jealous and possessive ex, he is also out in afghan. She has said there's nothing going on between them since I've been on the scene, he has been stalking her and pestering her. She went to tell him she's going to sell the flat and has moved on to me - he managed to talk her into giving him another chance. I was devastated. I gave her space, and less than 6 hours later she got in touch saying she'd made the wrong decision and that I was the one for her. She apologised for messing me around saying she would never do that to me again, and the fact she chose me shows how strong her feelings for me are. The ex then emails me an essay, pleading for answers from me, and stating that she's ruined his life, don't let her do the same, etc. and actually said some pretty awful things about her. I ignored him. He sent her tirades of abuse via email, text, and even stormed into her room in the middle of the night to take back a present he'd given her, leaving her a rattled and distressed.

We were on, properly, she was prepared to tell her chain of command that we were an item, as well as her soldiers. We were calling, emailing, texting, seeing each other, envy night together. She said she had fallen for me and I said the same. This bliss continued up until we went on rnr. The night she was due to fly home, I had nothing from her, nothing until the next morning, when she sent me an email telling me that it was over. She'd gone to the flat to pick up her things before going home, and realised that she couldn't leave all this behind. Apparently. I asked her to call me, and she said, nope this was it. 2 emails which didn't even read like she'd written them was all I was given. Stating she was wrong to f**k me and she was driven by lust and didn't care for me. Bearing in mind she said she was missing me so much it hurt!
A few minutes later, I get another email, this time from the ex, gloating about how he's proposed, and telling me to dry my eyes. This continued for a few days, him sending me messages and twisting the knife. I've since blocked his email.
I go back this week, she a week later, we have 8 weeks left in afghan. My question is, well should I walk away (what my friends and head are telling me) or do I try and win her back? I've fallen in love with this girl, and don't want to let her go. However this insecure, jealous and abusive ex manages to reel her back in, I'm assuming with guilt judging by how insecure he is.

Thanks for your help
T
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
Hello. She is obviously being pressured and possibly threatened by her ex. Before you make a definite decision on what to do, talk to her when you both are back in Afghanistan. I think you should probably lean towards leaving her and walking away, but you still need to hear directly from her. Because she is so easily influenced, your conversation should not have a goal of pressuring her to change her mind, but rather for you to just get answers. Chances are that you Maya very well be able to talk her back into wanting to be with you, but she really needs to make that decision on her own. I know it will be very difficult to not try to get her back because of the feelings you have for her, but don't you want her to make the choice on her own? She has already shown she is capable of influence and if that game starts all over again, her ex will certainly want to play. Do your best to leave her alone. Let her come after you. While I believe two people in love should pursue their love, I also think that having to pursuade someone to be with you shows they may not feel true love. True love cannot be denied, nor influenced.
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1380
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Paige and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi,

Thank you for that advice. It was great.
Well I've let her come to me, she emailed me a couple of days ago. I was out when I received it, and didn't reply till the next day - we had a back and forth for about 2 hours. He has been detained in a mental health ward and refusing to speak to her. I asked where do we go - she said leave her to sort her messed up head and messed up life out. I told her that she'd get no pressure from me. I also said I'm not bothered by the messages from the boyfriend. As I said it came with the job (I'm a MP), she came back with but it's not your job to have the girl you like act all crazy - I said I liked her enough that it didn't matter. Reading between the lines, she's not happy, she's 'stuck at home doing nothing' and 'can't wait to get back.'

The conversation ended - and I've now been blocked. She doesn't want me to talk to her for some reason - my theory is, he's out and back, she doesn't want him to know she's been talking to me or hear her phone beep.
He's literally made himself ill over all of this, he'll be ruining the relationship far better than I ever could (not that I would).

Trouble is, I can't shake the anxiety of it all. Do you have any advice/thoughts?
Thanks
T
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Oh, the conversation didn't end with the 'leave me to sort...' we had a few more emails for that. She said she was off to the hairdressers, then the last one was 'no hair left!' and then blocked. The conversation didn't end normally, just stopped halfway through.
Sorry I just thought I'd add that for clarity.
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
You can view this answer by clicking here to Register or Login and paying $3.
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thanks,
The advantage is, and I should of mentioned is that when she comes back to afghan he will be out the picture. He's finished there now and will be stuck in the uk and unable to influence her in person. Hopefully by spending time close to me, she can find the strength to leave him properly.
I'm not going to chase her of course not, but I'm going to show what a strong, mature man is like and treat her as an equal. That should draw her to me. And allow her to do that in her own time.
I get the impression that she knows she has ruined her 2 weeks off by saying, not been out, and can't wait to get back.
Do you have any thoughts?
T
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
You can view this answer by clicking here to Register or Login and paying $3.
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Well, she's just told me that we're back on. They're finished. Thank you so much for your help!
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
You can view this answer by clicking here to Register or Login and paying $3.
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
 
 
 
Chat Now With A Counselor
Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige
Counselor
1380 Satisfied Customers
Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist