How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Dr. Paige Your Own Question

Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1352
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Dr. Paige is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I have been with my partner for 23 yrs whom I love, but Im

Resolved Question:

I have been with my partner for 23 yrs whom I love, but I'm finding really hard to be with them. I have become with drawn and try to avoid any sexual contact. Everytime which is not alot i do not enjoy my partner touching me in a sexual way. I feel really bad about this, I don't want to hurt them or disappoint them. I know I should talk to them but I can't I know it will break their heart. I have felt like this for a long time acouple of years buts its really getting to me. Is it possible to change the way I feel?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
Hello. While you should eventually talk to your partner, you need to figure out some more information for yourself first. You did not say why you thought your physical attraction has changed. Have you tried to determine a specific cause? Did they gain weight, or change in a physical way which is less attractive to you? Have they become boring as a person overall ins the relationship which makes you lose interest? Do you feel that you may have a medical reason such as stress or medication that may influence your sex drive? Are you attracted to other people, or have you lost all interest in physical attraction? You need to analyze the situation and come to somewhat of a general conclusion as to why, then you can work on what to do about it based on the findings. Do you WANT to change the way you feel? You asked if it was possible, so I am assuming you do. Have you thought about spicing up your sex life by doing some different things, or you just aren't,'t interested in any physical interaction at all? Getting to the root of the reasons as to why this is happening is the key to finding a solution.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I feel really bad about this and it makes me feel sick to the stomach, but i think it could be down to the age gap between us. I'm 40 and my partner is 58 it was never a problem before but now we are having conversations about retirement and selling the house for pension reasons etc. its really freaking me out, the fun side of our relationship is diminishing fast and everything seems to be serious all the time. my partner is very possessive and constantly accuses me of having affairs. I do not have my own friends or socialize with people of my own age. If i go out with work its painful, leading up to the event gets very difficult and 8 out of 9 times i end up canceling or not going to avoid arguments. The thing is i do not feel physically attractive and do not have any desires for the physical side. My partner has gone through the menapharse and this has'nt helped. Sex has be come difficult and she bleeds afterwoods, this makes me feel very uncomtable especialy when i have been so gentle, i dont undertand! I know it's my problem but I don't know how to change. i'm missed out that i'm gay i'm not sure if that changes anything. i'm really scared to end the relationship i know it will distroy her and i could not live with that. i dont deal with gilt very well.
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
I think that you need to work on a few things. First, is this the person who you really want to be with for the rest of your life? Does she make you happy enough to want to work on the problems that you have or do you want to walk away?? If you answer that with yes, you do want to stay and work on things, then you have to look at things differently.
The relationship that you have is moving into another phase, it does not have to mean that the fun part is over. Retirement can be a lot of fun! You have to change your attitude about things like that first. Try to get the fun back. Go on a get away trip or something, maybe some dates, etc. All relationships can get dull if you let them.
You say that she is jealous and that you cancel going out with work friends to avoid arguments. You also say you do not feel sexually attractive. Both of these statements would indicate some self esteem and trust issues. You both should talk about these types of things in your relationship and how to fix them. These situations are not as threatening as the sex conversation, so you should be able to handle this. Why is she uncomfortable about you going out? If she does not trust you, then find out what the root of that problem is and work on that.
Basically, you have a lot of issues that you need to work on one thing at a time, working up to the sex issue that you have the biggest problem with. There is more here than just that, and these other little issues can equal and cause the bigger problem.
She should also find out what the problem is with the bleeding. Perhaps seeing a Dr about that would be beneficial. That is also a legitimate "concern" that you can bring up and you can say it like that as well. it doesn't have to be an issue that you feel uncomfortable with. Just tell her that you are worried something is wrong and that you wish she would have it checked out.
I might also recommend some counseling for both of you if you feel that these issues are a bit overwhelming to handle on your own. Sometimes seeing someone face to face and discussing some of your worries can help diminish them as well.
So, while your main problem and question is about the sexual attractiveness and physical activity, i think there is a bit more going on here that also needs to be addressed in the relationship as a whole. These underlying issues most certainly can cause someone to physically withdraw from the other person.
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1352
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Paige and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I think the main problem is im not strong enough, i have tried to get her to see a doctor and she said she will if it happens again. i know i need to speak with somebody but i am too gutless and embarressed to do so. i know i am to blame for the failings in my relationship thats why it hurts so much. I'm currently traveling with work right now and talking about this is made me fell even more depressed. i know i have to step up my game and be honest but it just feels so dame hard. i'm a bit of a mess right now. so i just want to say thank you Dr Paige for your help its much appriciated.

Kind Regards
Kerry

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency