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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3240
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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How to deal with a seriously over controlling and verbally

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How to deal with a seriously over controlling and verbally abusive father? Who always has double standards and is allowed to swear and verbally abuse us, even though we aren't allowed to do the same to him. Whenever I bring this up, my mother always takes his side no matter what. Even though he is an asshole
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 years ago.
-Could you explain your situation a little more? How old are you? I have some ideas and will respond when I hear back from you.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I'm 25 years old
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 years ago.
Hi, thanks for providing your age. without giving me a lot more info to go on, I will speak generally and hopefully some things will make sense.
It is unclear as to whether you are living at home with your parents.
I never suggest to be abusive in response to a person who is being abusive toward you as this doesnt achieve anything other than furthering your frustration and anger.
These are his issues and most likely the reason your Mom is unable to take a stand is because of issues within their marital relationship.
The goal is is for you to develop some coping strategies to deal with his behavior and not let it intrude on your life and relationships. I would hate for you to behave like this as well in response to him.
Not that this is easy at all, but it is better to turn and walk away from the situation that is abusive rather than to engage in it. I know it is not easy to do that especially when you want your Mom to stand up. I am hoping that everyone is safe as well. The best is to disengage from him when he displaying this type of behavior toward you. I would also continue working with your counseling to process your feelings about it all so that it doesn't end up interfering with your other relationships.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi it's not always that easy to ignore them. I feel really depressed I didn't want to be 25 and still living at home. I mean they think you have to be married just to do anything. But who wants to date someone that's a sheltered 30 year old living at home? No one. And I don't want to be 30 and living at home, when I can't even have a boyfriend sleep over.

I need someone to talk to them, but we only see extended family once a year. We live near my dad's family, yet they aren't close at all. What can I do? I was going to talk to extended family at xmas, but teh freeway got flooded here and was unable to even see them.

I am sick to death of being treated half my age. they say that no one leaves home at my age. Yet all my cousins have and already have children at my age. So why do my parents down right lie?

My dad NEVER makes sense at all. E.g he tells me to grow up, but then verbally abuses me if I even try and talk about this.
He also lies again and says no one leaves home at my age. They braggs about a new recruit at work, who is a year younger than me and recently had a kid.

They did nothing to help me grow up at all. What did they expect?
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 years ago.
Is it possible for you to get back into counseling? The extra support seems like a wonderful idea so that you can express these feelings in a safe environment. Since we are limited here online, i believe something more constant and consistent could help tremendously.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I didn't find the counsellor helpful at all. She didn't offer me any solutions. And now she only works during my work hours.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 years ago.
You are in a tough situation...I would suggest that you find another therapist who can see you based on your schedule. The other option is to work hard in order to be able to get out and live on your own. Either way though your feelings need a safe place to be expressed so that you don't carry these feelings over in any relationship that you will have. Please get that support for yourself.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I really wish I had someone to actually talk to them. I feel depressed everyone is married/ having kids at my age.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 years ago.
I can understand all of that....I really do. That is why I want you to reach back out and find someone with whom you can speak on a regular basis. I know you can do it because you have done it here with me, but you need more support than just this online support.
While you are working with someone you can discuss the problems at home, your sadness, your desire to meet someone and your desire to live on your own.
All of these things are reasonable feelings and goals and you deserve to live happy and meet someone and be on your own.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I feel really fed up. Trying to find a new therapist.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 years ago.
That is the best course of action. Please find a therapist as soon as you can.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
If they wanted me to grow up, why did they do absolutely nothing to help me grow up? And always treat me half my age?
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 years ago.
Hard for me say but I really want you to get some support like we talked about? Please do that for yourself
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Should I write them a letter like my aunt suggested, telling them how I feel? I highly doubt it would work though. My dad always thinks he's right no matter what, even when he isn't.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Should I write them a letter like my aunt suggested, telling them how I feel? I highly doubt it would work though. My dad always thinks he's right no matter what, even when he isn't. He says he understands but obviously doesn't at all
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 years ago.
You have so many feelings bottled up inside and I advocate for the expression of those feelings. It doesnt mean that the person will behave how we want them to in response, but still the expression of your feelings is always a great place to start. I am glad you are speaking with your Aunt about things. Writing a letter will be great for you to get your feelings out. I still believe that getting back into therapy will also help as you really do deserve that place to figure out and articulate tour feelings.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I'd want to have counselling with them, but they will never do it.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 years ago.
That would be ideal but if you have asked them and they won't go then it is still important that you go so you have a place to express yourself. Please do that. That is the best course of action right now.
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