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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1369
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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I met a wonderful lady about a month ago. She is 48, i am

Customer Question

I met a wonderful lady about a month ago. She is 48, i am 50. I have been single for a long time now and ready for a relationship. She got out of an abusive relationship (her ex raped her back in Aug. 2011 ..they split up about 3 months ago (Dec) they were only together about 8 months. We started dating after meeting and dated for about one month. We really clicked...she has told me more than once that I have all the qualities that she would want in a partner. We started becoming intimate, kissing, holding hands, and then one day I had not heard from her and later that evening asked her what she did that day and she said it was none of my business and that she was not going to be controlled. Now she says it made her realize that she is not ready for dating and needs time to heal, she has trust issues. I understand that but I don't see how my asking her what she did that day is being controlling... I really like her and think she could be the one for me. I have told her that I would be willing to wait until she is ready to date again but she said she cannot make me any promises, that it might be a year before she is ready and does not know how she will feel in a year. She is wanting a friendship only and with boundaries. Said she does not want me worrying about whether she will meet someone else for dating before she feels ready to date me. We still see each other on occasions and talk on phone but it is a friendship with boundaries that she will see me. I really like her a lot.   I do not want to start dating someone else and miss out on a possible future with her on down the road when she feels ready.  I like her enough to wait it out and try to be supportive but am having trouble putting my feelings of attraction aside so as to focus on being just a friend.  What should I do?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
Hello. While her feelings do make sense given her situation with her ex, this can be straining and stressful on someone dealing with it from the other side. I would proceed slowly if you feel as strongly as you do and respect her space for now and see how it goes. By being supportive of her, you will eventually help break down her mistrust, but it could be a bit agonizing for you as far as time and distance goes. You need to decide how much of this you are willing to give into and how much you feel for her. You need to figure out where you will draw your line in the sand of patience. I would also strongly recommend considering counseling for her if she is open to the idea, maybe not right now, but if you feel she is struggling personally and not healing properly, it could be a great help in getting over a traumatic event. So, be there for her and be supportive. Try to be patient, but also know when you are giving too much. Only you can make that choice. While it is wonderful for you to be there for her, don't neglect you own feelings and desire to be happy. Know when you are being supportive and know wheyou are being treated properly.
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1369
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Paige and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
She has told me that I should give other women a chance..there is one that lives out of state that wants to date me and possibly move here to be together if she can get a job here. I just dont feel about her the same way as the one that is hurting. I could really fall for the one I first wrote you about...she is everything I want in a future wife. I do not want to miss the opportunity to see if her and I could have a future together. And yes, she is seeing a therapist and is also in a group for rape victims. My final question...how can I control my feelings of attraction to being just platonic friends with her? It is not easy..and what is wrong with asking her what she did that day?? Am I being controlling?
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
No, you are not being controlling. She is hearing that through a victims ears. Try not to take offense to that. Keep in mind however, that there is likely going to be many more instances of her taking offense to innocent statements that you make and that there is going to be a bit of mistrust for awhile. Is this something you can handle? As far as controlling you feelings for her, you need to ask her for help with this. You need to decide if being friends only is something you can handle or not. It sounds as though you have both spoken about these things, but make certain she also understands your position and that while its easy for her to just be friends and to tell you to not wait and just go see other women, it is not that easy for you to do the same. Tell her it is difficult and that you respect her need for space, but are having your own difficulties because you do feel for her as you do. It is going to be extremely difficult for you to be able to control your feelings, I'm not going to lie about that! This is where you are going to have to make a decision going forward. You know yourself and what you are going to be able to deal with. If you are an all or nothing type of person, the you are going to have much more of a problem dealing with this. If you have the ability to be more patient, then you need to allow yourselfto have that patience. There is no simple answer here other than you are going to have to weigh the situation. You know what you are dealing with. Can you handle it? Do you want to go through the waiting for her? You pprobably will not be able to fully control your emotions for her, so can you deal with the stress of that as well? These are the questions to ask yourself to find your answer.
As far as the other woman goes, follow your heart. If you know you don't have feelings for her and that your feelings for this other woman will get in the way, then I wouldn't pursue that, at least not oyet. Figure out what you want to do with your current situation first, before you complicate matters. C that patience. There is not a simple answer here. answer here. Basically, you need to weigh the situation
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
I apologize for the weird typos and repeated text in my answer. I was having a hard time typing on my Android and it inserted things for me and did some weird stuff! I can't go back and edit it either. Sorry.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
No problem... :-) I appreciate your advise...I will have to think hard about what to do...do you think it would be okay to let her see our typed messages so that she can maybe try and understand more what I am having to deal with? I want her to know that I am also trying to get help in dealing with the situation at hand...maybe she will see how much I do care
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
Sure, you can show her. Keep me posted!
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
You are the bestest!! Thanks...I will be in touch...
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
Ok great. If she is interested in talking as well, she can email me, but I'm sure the therapist she is seeing is doing a fine job.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello, I wanted to follow up with you about the lady I previously asked you about. I can see that her emotional state is soo fragile and she is hurting more that I first thought. She tried to get in a support group for rape victims but they had already started 3 wks ago and would not let her join..said they wanted her to get in at the beginning. She is waiting for a new group. I seem to push her buttons by asking the wrong things. She said she does not need the drama on top of what she is currently going through. I like her very much and still want to be a friend but I am afraid this time she will not want a friendship with me at all. What happened: she told me that she dated her ex after they moved out, after the rape occured. I asked why would she want to do that after what they did to her. She lost it, said she could not handle this anymore...she said I was asking her "how could you want to stay with your ex after they raped you? She finished her coffee and left, very upset. I dont think I will ever hear from her again. I tried explaining to her that I was only trying to figure things out and understand. She now has pushed me away again, I think for the last time. I so much want to still be her friend but feel like its not worth trying because she doesnt want it. I do not mean to push her buttons and ask the wrong things or make the wrong comments. I think I am over opinionated and push people away. Is there any hope of ever getting her to talk to me again? How can I try to help her and convince her to still talk to me? Or is it too late..? I did tell her that I am sorry..and that I will not ask her anything about her ex any more that I was only trying to help and thought it would be helpful for her to talk about it. She said that everybody asks her the same thing..?
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
Hello. You are right in that she needs a considerable amount of time and help and you have to decide if you can (or want) to deal with it. if she isn't wanting to put an effort into your friendship and relationship, how much time are you willing to give to do it all??? Just things to ask yourself. What I think you might want to do, is tell her that you are there for her, you support her and cherish her friendship and you will be there for her when she is ready and then walk away for now.
She is going to have to put a lot of work into herself and her issues. It will be the only way for her to be able to move forward and be able to handle a new relationship. The fact that she snaps at you for saying things like what you did is just a nature of the beast she is dealing with. She has lost a lot of trust in men and she has little self esteem, which is the reason she would stay with someone after they raped them. It happens VERY often. Women who think they have no control over a situation will stay in a bad one because she felt she had no choice at the time.
There is nothing wrong with being over opinionated if that is who you are. You can't change some things about yourself, it makes you you. Finding someone who is compatible may take a little while longer, but it can certainly happen. Maybe the mix of that part of your personality and her past damage that has been done is not a good combination. it doesn't mean you are flawed, it just means this particular situation is flawed. Decide on how much of this is worth working on because it is going to take a LONG time for her to heal.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Dr. Paige, I want to follow up with you about the lady that i am interested in. We have seen each other a few times in the past couple weeks...I came over to change locks on her doors (5 doors) because she wanted more peace of mind. Later that evening, I felt like she was seducing me...subtly..letting me know what she likes sexually and I got turned on to say the least. She never directed any of it at me, but I felt like she was trying to find out if we might be compatible in the bedroom. Couple days later, I admitted that her talk turned me on and she acted like she should not have been talking that way with me since we are suppose to be just friends...
We saw each other this past weekend, she was depressed and I asked her : ." Since you don't want me, do you have a single friend that might"? She replied that she would have to think about that. She kept looking at me with head down and smiling... I told her next day that I wanted to be her friend and that I did not want to push her, that I would step away if thats what she really wanted because she started saying that she was afraid it would turn into a bad situation and may have to break away...All of this is driving me insane...I want her but am afraid I will push her away completely if I tell her that. I want to be a friend but am so confused and anxious. I asked her to go to a movie this upcoming weekend, she replied, do something nice for yourself! I told her I care enough to step away if that is what she truly wants...but I do not want that...Please help before I really lose it..I feel like she is backing away did I srew it up asking her if she had a single friend? She told me that she is getting better about having sexual relations again, whatever that means
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
I think she is playing a little bit of a game with you. I think you were right in the first place saying how she was subtly seeing if you were compatible. I think she still is doing that, even after all that you said. I don't think you messed anything up or made her feel any way that she wasn't already. You did god by saying, since you don't want me...Saying about having a single friend available wasn't harmful because you made it clear that she as your first choice. I think she may really be afraid of herself in a relationship more than you. She probably really doesn't want to hurt you and knows she hasn't worked through her issues and isn't sure how it would go. I think she is playing with you a bit and be careful because that can really not be a nice thing of her to do. Don't let her use you or anything. if you feel like that is what is happening at any time, just be aware of that and how you would respond. Also decide if you really can be friends with her or you think an all or nothing arrangement is better for your emotions. Remember, it isn't all about her! You can control the situation too if she doesn't want a full on relationship, you can walk away from her. before you make any of those decisions, I would say that you should tell her everything about how you feel and don't be afraid of her response. After you feel you have given her enough time and space and she still doesn't acknowledge you, just tell her. If it ends up not being anything, at least she knows how you feel and you know you have done everything you could. If you walk away and don't tell her, you will spend the rest of your life wondering what if...and that could drive you nuts. Better have it all out there and know where you stand than to not know at all.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thanks for your help, Dr. Paige. She has told me that every time she meets someone for a possible friendship they always wind up wanting to date her. She said it is not easy being her...She is a very beautiful, sexy woman and used to be a personal fitness trainer. I can't help but have an attraction. And no, it is not just sexual. Being around her, talking to her and trying to be a friend I have gotten to see what lies underneath the surface and like very much. I feel like she has been trying to play games with me too. But she had told me about another so-called friend that became obsessed with her and that is why she wanted the locks changed on her doors. She made mistake of giving them a key. She said she did not feel comfortable seeing anyone with an attraction but who claim to be ok as friends because she is afraid it will wind up a bad situation like with this other person. She said her counselor told her that they did not think it a good idea to be friends with me because of what happened with other person. She told me that she is comfortable seeing me at church Sundays and brunch together afterwards, period. No going to movies or dinner or anything else. I have no choice but to go along with this, since I do still want to see her. She also told me a few weeks ago that her feelings about never wanting to date me again were permanent. That really hurt. Now she says she has learned that anything is possible. I want to wait it out, see her sundays and maybe text her a few times during the week, just to say hi. I am wondering if she will ever change her mind about our friendship with boundaries and maybe there will be a chance that with time she will want to date me again. I am so afraid that when she is ready to start dating that it will be with someone else. I dont want to push her away any more and told her it is not fair to hold things against me for what this other person has done. Do you think she will ever change her mind about me and want to date me again? I think I will hold off on telling her my true feelings about her for awhile longer. I do not want to scare her off more. This other person violated her trust by hacking into her computer and went into her home while she was not home and without her knowing. I am not like them and want her to understand that. I have done so many things to show her how much I care...I gave her flowers, have sent messages of encouragement and have tried to be a good listener.
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
I see your dilema in dealing with her past. Of course anything is possible with the dating situation, but you do need to look out for your self as I mentioned before. I know you want to wait it out and I encourage that, but don't forget about you. I can see how she is very weary of people she is with as well and I think what you are doing with being a good friend to her is the right thing to do. Sometimes it can take a long time for someone to feel comfortable again and to let their guard down. I think she will eventually learn to see you for who you are and that you stuck by her through all of this and were persistent even after the break up. Time is going to be the enemy here, so be prepared for that.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I need your help with a situation involving the woman that we have been discussing. She had made friends with someone that had broken up with someone else around the same time her and her ex split up. They started a friendship because they had that in common. The friend became obsessed with her and became very jealous when they found out that she was now seeing me. She had given this friend a house key and the remote to the garage door. I told a friend of mine about this and they said that this so called friend was apparently more than a friend. Why give someone like that a key to your house unless you were having something intimate with each other? My friend thinks she has been lying to me about the true relationship she was having with this friend. I am now wondering if they were really intimate with each other too. You just dont give your house key and garage remote to someone that is a friend that you have known a couple months. She wants me to think they were never intimate. Looking back on it, she started wanting friendship with boundaries and breaking engagements with me around the same time this so called friend started showing so much jealousy. I feel like she loves the attention, and maybe is not being truthful with me.. she is beautiful and could have anyone she wanted. Also, my friend thinks I should walk away and not contact her, to make her wonder whats going on with me instead of seeming so needy and eager to be there all the time. So that she will maybe become more attracted to me. My friend said I should not text her, see her Sunday at church and not be so eager. Wait to see if she contacts me instead. My friend has a degree in psych. but it is not their profession. What do you think?
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
Hello. I completely agree 00% with everything that you said and your friends' opinion as well. She is probably loving the attention as you said and everything does make sense if she had someone else interested in her at the same time. She is having the best of all worlds with you as a good friend and this other person at the same time, so why change anything? I think she wants to keep you around because you are a good friend and also in case this other relationship doesn't work, you may be an option to her, so she doesn't want to scare you off either. I agree with your friend that you should cut off all contact with her right now and see what happens.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Good morning, Dr. Paige! Please help!! The woman that I am interested in has cut off the other person interested in her that she had given house keys to. I did not contact her for one day, and she called me Sunday morning to ask if I would be going to church! That was last week. I went, we had lunch afterwards and I quizzed her about the one that had the house key. I told her that I was only asking since they had been acting like a jealous lover. I told her that I believe that she is a woman of integrity and I believe her if she says they were never romantic. I asked her about who said they thought she should not have a friendship with me and she said her therapist. But she chose to see me sundays anyway. She said partly because she wanted me to get more active in the church and make new friends. This was her church first. I started going after she invited me. I told her that I am not like the other one that had a key and I will prove it to her. She said as we were leaving the restaurant, that if i will be patient, I might get what I want. That gave me a spark of hope!
There is a woman with interest in me that livesXXXXXaway told me that if I am interested in the other woman to make her jealous and tell her that I will be planning a trip to go visit with her .
I saw the one I am really interested in yesterday at church and afterwards when we had lunch, I told her about the other woman that I am planning to visit. She told me what pushed her away was early on in the relationship when I asked too many questions and almost felt like she was being interrogated. She said she didnt realize when I first started telling her about how I had wanted to be in law enforcement. It pushed her and I told her I didnt mean to do that and the other woman that wants me to come visit has told me the same thing. That I asked too many questions and she feels like she is being interrogated. I should keep it lite at first. She told me..Sometimes more is less..

Okay, the one I really want now thinks that I am interested in someone else and I went online last night and she has changed her profile on the dating site to saying that she is now seeking a relationship when before it said friendship and hanging out. She has also added five new pictures! I am very anxious and am wondering if my strategy to make her jealous has backfired. What can I do now to convince her that she is the one I really want? Or should I keep playing it cool? I am not really that interested in the other woman that wants me to come visit, I just thought it might make the one i really want jealous and I am not really that into the one wanting me to visit eventhough I think she might be me.

I am afraid the one I really want will now start dating someone else after changing her profile on dating site. Why didnt she let me know she was ready for dating now? She didnt change her profile until Sunday night after we met and I told her about planning to visit another woman. I want her and am afraid she will move on to someone else. I also sent her a text msg. last night telling her that I wish she had have told me what pushed her away sooner. And that maybe one day she will have a change of heart.

She had been telling me at first that it might take a year before she is ready for dating again. That is the only reason I kept talking to this other woman. Now, she is ready for dating after I made her think I am interested in someone else. I am so confused! Should I tell her that I will not visit the other one? That she is the one my heart belongs to? I do not want to lose the chance of getting her back. Why didnt she tell me she is ready for dating??
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
What you are seeing here is how playing games can screw everything up. Both of you have been doing this and now there is a huge mess to clean up. The only way that you are going to get this straightened out is by laying the truth right out on the table. Everything. Tell her a readers digest version of everything we have been talking about. Tell her how you feel about her and that you backed off and tried to be patient, then found out about this other person, etc. Tell her that you wished she was honest and straight forward with you as well and then find out where you both stand. No more games. Ask her if you are wasting your time. Tell her you were ready to move on to another woman because she was with this other guy and you thought she was being clear, when she really wasn't. Its the only way you are going to get back to a clean slate.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Dr. Paige, I talked to Cindy, the lady I have been writing you about. I told her that I had noticed she had changed her profile to say looking for a relationship for dating. She said she is not really wanting to date anyone but she is going through the hardest part of getting over the break up with her ex. She also told me that when she broke up with someone before her last ex that she went through a spell of dating several because that was the hardest part of getting over the break up. Hmmm..I find that interesting..so a couple of weeks ago when she told me that if I am patient I might get what I want..is she trying to say that maybe she does want to date others but nothing serious and maybe is wanting to keep me around until she is ready for something more meaningful? Or, is she just not interested anymore..so confusing. She said she is going to change her profile on the dating site..time will tell . I also found out that she is still talking to the one she gave a house key to, after I witnessed the big blow up between them over the phone and I heard her say to leave her alone. She told me they would not get a key again though...hmmm She also told me that she wants me to know that we are still seeing each other Sunday's only and she wants me to continue seeing other women. It hurt, but I cant make someone love me. I am wondering if I should send her a message saying that ..It seems as if I always wind up pushing your buttons without even realizing it or trying to and maybe I should just leave you alone. Should I tell her that? I am starting to feel that way. But I also found out that she has learned of a serious medical condition and I want to be supportive and let her know that I am there for her. what to do...And when I asked her since she didnt want me did she have a friend that might and she only said that she didn't know and would have to think about that one. I can't help but feel that she really likes me or is this just wishful thinking?

Anyhow, she had told me finally that my strong personality is what pushed her away and that she felt like she was being backed into a corner with so many questions early on. The other woman who I had planned to visit out of town has told me the same thing. My strong personality is pushing people away and preventing me from having meaningful relationships. I realize that I cannot change my personality but I can learn to change my behavior. I seem to sometimes speak before I think of what I am saying. How can I change this? Are there any self-help books that you could recommend? So, should I tell her that I will leave her alone and wait to see if she contacts me?
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
Hello. I agree that you should not try to change your personality but tweak your behavior, if this is the information you are getting from women. There aren't any specific books I can think of to recommend which deal with what you are looking to accomplish. There are a lot of broad spectrum books which I'm not sure would help you much. You already know what you need to do which is half the battle. If you have a problem with speaking before you think, then work on that by not being so spontaneous with your thoughts.
While you are disappointed with these developments, you need to look at this as a learning experience and a positive one, so you can move forward in your life armed with information which can help you in future relationships.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I will try to think more before i speak in the future. It will take practice because I have been this way for probably a long while and wasnt aware of it until I started trying to date again. So, back to Cindy..Should I tell her that I will be supportive and let her know I am there for her, since I found out about her medical condition? And that I seem to push her buttons and maybe I should just leave her alone? So should I tell her this then see if she contacts me? Should I still go to church knowing she will be there? I still am torn on whether she still wants me in the future since she never suggested a single friend for me to date. And her comment a couple weeks ago that if I am patient I might get what I want. My apologies if I am driving you bonkers about this, but frankly it is driving me a bit bonkers myself. There are no other women that I have met that I feel attracted to or want to date but her.
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
I don't see anything wrong with being friends with her as long as you know the situation. She seems to want you in her life as well, even on a level that isn't as deep as you would like. You should be honest with her and say that you are going to work on the aspects of your behavior that seem to be an issue and you appreciate her honesty about it. You should be there for her if thats what you feel that you want to do for the right reasons, not just because you think if you do, you will have a chance with her. Do it because you want to be there for her as a person who needs support.
You don't drive me bonkers, believe me, you are certainly not the only person with these types of issues! I have regular clients I have been speaking to for over a year about their various issues. It's nice to see the process and have things change for them.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi, I just sent a message to Cindy in the dating site that we are both in. She still has her profile showing wanting a relationship and dating, so I decided to write her letting her know how I really feel. I wanted her to know that if she is really ready for a relationship and dating that I am asking her to give me another chance. I told her I am working on changing my behavior and that i will be patient and not push her. I told her how I feel, the ways that I think we would be compatible and the things that I like about her. I told her that if my love cannot be reciprocated that I will move on but that I want us to still have a friendship. I told her that I am doing some soul searching. I also let her know that I will always be here for her. I told her that love cannot be forced, love cannot be selfish. I wished her luck finding someone else that will be good to her and give her the love she deserves if not with me. I said that I will be patient and not push her and will give her space.

I decided to put all the cards on the table and be completely honest because I agree with you that we have been playing games and I will never know if I don't take the chance to find out. We will probably see each other at church Easter Sunday..Wish me luck! I will keep you posted.
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
Ok great! let me know how it goes.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello, Dr. Paige and Happy Easter to you. I took flowers by Cindy's house this morning on my way to church...I called her afterwards and she acted like everything was fine, said thank you for the flowers but said that she would be having brunch after .church with a couple of her AA friends instead if with me. She said she would still be at church. I waited for her outside and she hugged me, then her two pals were there..one of them came to church to hold 3 seats for them to all sit together. As we approached the bench she turned to me and said that these seats are reserved, you might want to sit on the other side.,..:(

I stayed for Easter service but felt so bad and the way she acted was in my opinion way over the top and completely unnecessary. I am hurt because she rejected my feelings and acted so cold and rude at church. I am now wondering how I should react, how to get over the rejection. Do you think she will ever want to speak to me again? I am just wanting closure. Should I not contact her at all? I think her message was pretty clear and it hurts very much. My friend said I probably pushed her too much.
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
You may have pushed her too much. You may also have misread the level of rejection that she showed you. While you did have lunch plans that she changed and she had you sit on the other side, I don't think that is the end of the world, or as you put it, over the top. While it wasn't how you wanted things to go, I don't think its anything that would cause her to never speak to you again. I'm thinking you may want to consider completely backing off at this point and leaving her be to see what happens. If you have been overly pursuing her at this point, she has no room to breathe or decide how to react to you. if you leave her alone completely, maybe things will clear up a bit. If you don't do things anymore like bring her flowers, etc. then she will see that you really are trying to not be so pushy about her. As far as getting over the rejection, you have to look at this as a positive learning experience and move on. Look at what you have learned about yourself and your approach to women and relationships. I know its difficult and it hurts, but you can take some good from situations such as this.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello, after what happened at church Easter Sunday, I was given a very strong message from Cindy. However, I am wanting to send her a message letting her know how I feel. How her behavior was so rude at church and that she could have at least told me beforehand that she did not want to sit me or have breakfast. I see her true colors after I poured my heart out in the last message I sent to her. I am hurt and just want to let her know how it made me feel. And that I get the message very clear from her and will never bother her again. My friend said I should not contact her at all. I want to tell her to make her realize what a cold and rude way she treated me. I want to make her feel bad for how she treated me. Should I or not? It is hard to let it go without having the last word and letting her know how I feel about it. I want to tell her that I know I deserve much better.
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
I think you should do what you feel you should do. If you don't tell her, then it will eat at you forever. You shouldn't do it with the intention of making her feel bad, because chances are she won't and she will just think you are being the rude one. Not that you are, but given what you have said, I bet that is her reaction. You shouldn't go at it like you are irate and mad, you should go at it like...you know, you were completely rude to me and it was very hurtful. I get your point.... Don't go overboard on her or anything. I always think people should do what they feel they need to to get feelings off their chest. it's healthy, even if the outcome isn't what you expect. Letting things build up is worse.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello, I wrote Cindy telling her how it made me feel easter..her not wanting to sit together .I have tried to be patient and have backed off some. Ever since I told her about Amy and planning a visit to see her is when she started avoiding me at church and cancelling our breakfast date afterwards. She had even told me after telling her about amy that if I had have been willing to wait, I could be getting it double with her...and remember, she also changed her profile wanting a relationship right after I told her about planning to meet Amy? I decided to go ahead and meet Amy, she was too immature, for someone 44 yrs. old acted more like 22...we did not get along...but still txt ea. other some...
Cindy cancelled church yesterday but sent me txt msg. letting me know...after church I sent her txt. later asking if she was dating anyone now...she txt. me back asking why I asked? I txt. her back said I was jus wondering...that I had not been able to meet anyone recently that I felt a good connection with. I then told her that I was hoping she would just give me a chance. She got mad and told me that we had talked about it several times and thats why she was hesitant on even being friends...she then said she had read my messages in the dating site for the first time,(yeah right) and that it was very interesting, that I have a very active imagination and am very persistent. She said my persistence will pay off for me someday when I meet the right woman...

I cant help it, I blew it, not being patient again. But I still think her knowing about Amy is when she started backing away more...I told a friend about it, she said that women will say all the time that they dont want you to wait when secretly they do, they just dont want to hold you back...I still want to wait for her even after I last sent her msg. that I would leave her alone and wished her best of luck. I want to wait for her, should I tell her? or say nothing and leave her thinking that I am moving on? I really care about her and just know that she could be the one when the timing is right. Im so confused
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
Hello. It sounds to me like she is playing some serious games with you. It's ok for her to move on and do what she wants, but you can't? You have waited for her for a long time already. She wants to have everything she wants and she likes the idea of having someone waiting around for her. Are you sure you want to go through this with her? If she messes with you like this before you are even in a serious relationship together, how do you think an actual relationship will be ? I stand by my rationale that honesty is always the best policy. She doesn't see, to do the same as she likes games and to confuse you. If I were you, I would do this... have it out with her. Just lay it out there. Tell her how it is. If you are sick of her games, tell her so. Just let it all out. I caution you that you may not like her response because people who like deception and games don't respond well to being confronted with honest, straight forward feelings. It will end your confusion and make you feel like you have done what you can for the relationship, or possibility of one. You don't have to do that if you are afraid of her response, but its either that or continue as you are with her. Up to you.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
But she has told me that if I am patient I might get what I want..,then I had to mention planning to go see Amy...that is when she started making excuses on sundays and changed her profile. If Amy had never have come into the picture I think she would still be wanting to see me sundays and would never have changed her profile...
My female friend made me see that women like to know that you want them enough to wait and by my seeing amy showed her that I did not think she was worth the wait. Amy was a one time thing and will not see her again. I do want Cindy and I have tried to tell her my real feelings and that is when she said I have an active imagination and persistent. Another friend said, she just doesnt want me..I know I have already tried to be honest about my feelings in the message I sent to her before. I poured my heart out. If I had of been patient and not bring Amy into the picture I still think she would be warming up more and still wanting to see me sundays. I do not want to keep sending her mesages, she might think I am nuts, stalking her. I just wish I could through to her, I do think she would be worth the wait.
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
I still think she is playing games. People don't make people wait for something they want. It is or it isn't. She either wants you or she doesn't. If you don't see anyone else, how do you know she isn't? it sounds to me like she does want you to wait for her. It also sounds like she wants to continue to do what she wants with who she wants while she keeps you waiting. All I'm saying here is that bringing Amy into the picture should have made her realize the mixed signals she was sending to you. Her reaction should have been to do whatever she could to get you to realize you made a bad choice with being with Amy. Instead, she got upset and went to seek another man. Wouldn't you think she would have fought for you there if she wanted you?
Her behavior and actions don't match up to someone who wants to be with someone. If there is a spark there and a potential, why all this waiting? I know she had issues and counseling and whatnot, but a relationship shouldn't be window shopping. There just seems like there is so much mystery and playing going on here when things should be very straight forward. Seeing how things are now just doesn't make me feel like being fully involved with her in a serious relationship will make all of this change all of a sudden. She isn't going to become this normal, wonderful, down to earth, straight forward, no game playing person once you get your chance with her. People don't just stop doing what they do. Just be careful with her. She doesn't sound very stable to be able to handle being with someone without being secretive about her intentions. If that's what the wait is, for her to be able to be in a relationship, as she has stated that it is, then fine. You still should not have to stop your social life for her. it's your choice. You shouldn't have to worry that if you back off of her that she will do the same because if she really wanted you, she would go to you and do what she can to be with you. She knows how you feel. Her game with you should stop. it's not very nice to do to you!
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi, Alot has happened since I last wrote. The woman that i met and went out with (Amy), well I have found out since our meeting that she went into my cell phone and got Cindy's pho no. She has not contacted her as of yet because I asked Cindy..I warned Cindy that Amy might try to contact her because she saw her as a threat. To think that Amy or anyone would actually do such a thing is too sick to imagine. I put pressure on Amy to tell me the truth about getting Cindy's phone no. and when she finally admitted that she did she started threatening to call the police on me! I have not contacted her anymore and to think that she could be capable of doing much damage scares me.
Cindy and I are talking now and she admits that the only thing stopping her from having a relationship with me is the timing and told me that she does not want to hold me back. She said she would think about things a few days and let me know whether or not she decides to still see me even on a friendship basis. She said that what happened on Easter was not to be rude or to give me a hint to leave her alone. She admitted that she could have handled it better. I let her know that she would not be holding be back, that I will be the one to worry about that. But I let her know that I will accept whatever decision she makes. She told me that she had been out to dinner with someone only once.
I do not want to worry that Amy might try to actually call police on me..what to do? .I really want to wait on Cindy and think when she is ready that we could have a beautiful thing together. She said that she agreed with what I told her that she will never find anyone that would be as good for her as me, just not on the same page. Any thoughts to help me with this?
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
Hi. What can she possibly call the police on you FOR? I wouldn't worry about that. When a woman says she doesn't want to hold you back and you can see other people, she usually doesn't mean that ! it sounds as though this is a good thing and that maybe by taking things slow, it will work out. Just take it step by step and see that happens. There's not much else you really can do at this point.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
While Cindy is trying to decide whether or not to still see me, even as friends, should I let her know that I think that she would be worth the wait? I do not want to push her because that is one thing that made her back off before. I have already told her that I would continue talking and going out with others.
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
I wouldn't tell her anything right now as far as your intentions. Let things play out. You don't need to tell her you are waiting for her. If she is ready for that step, then let her make it. I would just sit back and take it a day at a time. She is in a decent place it seems right now as far as emotionally getting better. Try not to get involved with her. Let her get involved with you.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Good morning, Dr. Paige! I am so pleased with the way things are going with Cindy now. After I sent her a txt. msg. to warn her that the woman I saw (amy) might try to contact her, Cindy called, I explained what happened about amy and we have talked a few more times on the phone, conversations got longer. She explained to me about who she had been out with and that she does not see them anymore and I told her about amy wanting to make out while we were in the restaurant and that it was a big turn off. I then asked her if she would be at church Sunday, she said yes, I then asked if she would be avail. for lunch after church. She said no, that she had alot of things to do. I ended the call by saying, ok, I will see you Sunday. She then called me the next morning, we talked awhile about things going on at church and she then asked me to meet her for dinner saturday eve. I was excited, but tried not to show it and said yes..But she suggested we meet, not me pick her up at her house..We met on saturday, had dinner, talked about her rape and things going on where she works. We then went to the mall to look around, had fun. I asked if she would like to go in Victoria's Secret to look, she said no...I made mistake of asking where she bought her bras..she got defensive and drilled me saying that she would only tell to someone that she was already in a relationship with, not just a friend or even someone she is just dating. I apologized, she said it was a personal matter and that only trashy women would do that. She then added, like the one that tried to have sex with me in the restaurant...I sense a little jealousy..? Then there was this Foto booth where you can sit inside the booth and pull the curtain and have pictures made, we did that, it was fun..while inside the booth, she puts her arm around me, we are laughing making different poses, she then turns and puts her head down toward my shoulder intimately facing me, I turn to her. after we got our pics she said that was her favorite. Then outside the mall she said that she had been giving me a harder time than anyone else and that I passed the asshole test, lol, and that she will try not to give me such a hard time anymore...she then said she wanted to tell me what type of lingerie she wears. I said no, dont tell me, she said she wanted to...Hmmm..

The next morning I saw her at church, she looked stunning...During service, the pastor was talking about love, she turns to me and grabs my hand and looks up at me and smiles. We held hands the rest of the service. She had told me way back in the beginning that she does not hold hands with someone that is just a friend. I thought I was going to melt...then after church she acted like she was still keeping her distance, very neutral body language. We talked awhile longer after church, then she hugged me before she left, but still no kiss. . I asked her to dinner maybe this coming weekend, she accepted. Our long conversations has touched on everything that has happened in the last month since we last saw each other or really talked. She said the rape recovery group has been a life saver, she is getting much better and I can tell a big difference in her from even a month ago.

I think she gave me a very clear message. Only problem is, I have become conditioned, so afraid of pushing her that i am now having trouble reciprocating and am afraid to make a move. I want to kiss her but she has made me afraid to, I have been pushed away for so long...I want to make this work and not screw it up. I am now under the impression that she still has an attraction for me and wants to date me. I have learned the art of patience and I am now wondering how often to call, send her a txt. msg. and when we see each other hopefully this coming weekend, I want to try to kiss her again. From the signals she has been giving me, what pace should I go with now?
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
It's hard to say, she has played a lot of games with you in the past. I would play it a bit cautious still. I would even go so far as to tell her this. Tell her you don't know where her line is as far as how often to call and text, etc and that if she feels you are doing this too much or not enough, to let you know. She still seems like she still has a bit of a wall up right now, so just proceed with caution. Try to keep anything sexual related to a minimum, such as the bra discussion. :)
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello,
I am going out with Cindy this weekend, I made reservations to a nice restaurant. I requested a more intimate, private seating arrangement because I want to really wine and dine her. I am hoping that we can really connect on a more intimate level this weekend. Not sex, just more intimacy. I am wondering if I should confront her about my feelings concerning a potential future together, I want to really find out if she sees me as someone that she may want to initiate a possible future with or if I am just someone to pass time with until someone better comes along. I am having trouble flirting and opening up to her the way i would like, back to same reasons as before..her pushing me away so much in the past. I realize it was mostly because she was not ready. I am just confused and hesitant and just don't feel the same desire to persue her like before eventhough I really am very attracted to her. It is just that the games have sort of made me gun shy. I feel like she wants to date me...I called her and she picked up on the first ring, we talked 2 and half hrs. But the conversation is mostly getting to know each other's interests and likes. I know that she enjoys engaging in deep, meaningful conversations. We have done that alot too. Not flirting and fun like I want to lead to. Would it be safe to flirt a little and see her reaction? I am so afraid of rejection and going back to the friendship boundaries. But I do think she is really interested, holding my hand in church was a strong indication.
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
Of course you don't feel the same desire, because she has given you so many mixed signals, ups and downs, etc. All the games she has played with you is not fair and you should be gun shy. I don't think you should discuss any type of future plans with her or anything about a relationship. Just enjoy your evening as close friends, have your deep conversations but try not to bring it to anything that might be "threatening". You can flirt, but listen to your gun shyness and don't overdo it. You are in the friendship boundaries still in a sense, you should treat this as such. Be careful of her, she obviously runs hot and cold and anything you do or don't do can be read wrong based on her mood for the day. Those types of people can be nearly impossible to please.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Dr. Paige,
Cindy and i went out to dinner. We had discussed on the phone prior about what to wear. She led me to think that she would wear a dress. When I went to pick her up for dinner she had on dress pants. I think she sensed a bit of dissapointment from me because I asked her why she changed her mind about wearing a dress. She explained that she didnt have time to shave her legs, lol...Later at dinner she made comment first about how pricey the menu was. I agreed and had to take my food back to have prepared over. I made comment that I probably would not return. We enjoyed dinner then walked across the street to a shop and looked around. Later, I took her by her office so she could pick up CD's that she needed to burn for someone. We then got an ice cream and talked more. When I took her home, she grabbed her purse and got out without offering me to come in, and did not initiate holding my hand or any kind of physical contact. I reached out for her hand, she only let me have her fingertips, not a full hand hold. I made comment, I dont even get a hug anymore? She just smiled and said, I enjoyed it and thank you...she went inside. I tried to call after I left, she would not pick up. I then left her text messages telling her how I was confused because she reached to hold my hand last Sunday and seemed more distant and asked if we could talk. I also told her that I thought she looked beautiful and I hope she was not offended about my comment about her wearing pants instead of dress. I told her she looks great eitther way and that i was not dissapointed. I also told her that I hope she does not think I am cheap, that I knew it was a pricey restaurant before we went and I do not mind paying more for a good meal and that it was very good. I left it by saying that I hope we can go to dinner again sometime..? I really want to find out if the comments I made about her pants and price of meal is what is really turning her off. Why would she hold my hand a week ago and was the one to initiate it , now, being distant again? I do see that she is running hot and cold like you said. It is very frustrating. I am also wondering if she has met someone that she is interested in, I know she is still going on the dating site regularly. Should I ask her? I think if I did, she would say that it was none of my business. I did notice that she had the pics that we made together last weekend on her refrigerator., that made me smile.
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
I don't think you should ask her about the dating site. She initially was turned off by you because you were a bit overwhelming for her and I think you need to be careful. The way you spell out every detail and read into everything is a step in that direction. I do think your look on your face probably gave you away with your dress disappointment and the fact that something like that is important to you could definitely be a turn off for any woman. Even if she was going on the dating site, so what? She isn't married to you and even though you are both dating, I don't remember you saying she agreed to be exclusive with you. You don't want to come across as being so clingy with her. Calling her and texting her after the date and acting a bit panicked was probably not a good thing. She may react badly to that, so be prepared. Your attitude about this needs to be a lot more laid back and not so serious and looking into every detail.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Dr. Paige,
I found something that has given me a scare of having cancer, there is a history of it in my family and I have a triple risk because of. I texted Cindy telling her and that i was concerned and thought I should make a Dr. appt. to be on the safe side. She called me and said she was concerned about it and asked me a few questions about my finding and the concern I have about the cancer scare. I asked her if she had read the text messages I sent sat. night and she said yes, I asked her to explain what was going on and she said that she did not think we are compatible, that our personalities clash. She has a strong personality same as me and she said she was afraid that we would later start arguing all the time. She said it keeps going back and forth and is not consistent. I told her that I read where the right one may not seem like it at all at first that it might not happen until later on. I also told her that if she is not ready that no one will seem right to her. She said she does not want me to wait, that is not what she wants. She said that I am physically attractive, but that my overwhelming personality makes her have red flags and she learned from past relationships things to become aware of and she does not have enough attraction there to see where it will go. I told her that I have never been abusive with anyone that I have been in a relationship with, that is not my character. She said it was not just sat. night, but also our phone conversations and she thinks she has given it another chance and does not think we are a good fit. I asked her what made her want to hold my hand in church Sunday, she said that she felt close to me....okay... Also, the night before when we were playing around at the mall we were laughing and I felt like everything was going great. She also said that she did not think we can even be as friends, because I keep trying to be more than friends. She said that she will be here for me, to help me get through this. (cancer) I said I needed to go and can we talk about this more at a later time? she said yes.

I have read about conflicting personalities and compatible ones. Do you think two strong personality types can be compatible? I do not like arguing and try to avoid it. I wish she would not give up hope on me so soon. We just started talking and seeing each other again. I do not think she is ready for a relationship and I know I stilll have things to work on myself. I wish I could convince her to wait awhile longer before making up her mind. From one weekend everything was great to the next, distance and indifference. How can I talk to her about this? I know I cant make someone do something they dont want but only want a real chance and feel that she gave up on things too soon. I still feel like there could be potential. I feel like she is expecting the perfect mate to come along, and there is no such thing as perfect. All couples will have disagreements at times. I do not think from what she said that she is seeing anyone as far as dating. I also do not want her to only be there for me out of sympathy. I would like her to let me know when I do or say something when it happens to make me aware of what exactly it is that I am doing that is turning her off. I cant work on things if I dont know what it is that I'm doing. I remember when we first met, there was definately chemistry and we did seem to click. I also remember her telling me that I have all the qualities that she would want with a partner. How to talk to her about this? What should I do if she still holds her ground? Would a time out for maybe a month or two help?
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
I think the fact that you keep wanting to talk to her about every single detail is a turn off for her. I think the night you were disappointed that she didn't wear a dress and everything that happened after was a clear sign of your strong personality. She just doesn't like that kind of person, it's as simple as that. You over analyze everything and I think she doesn't like that. You are trying to convince her that her decisions are wrong which is also a turn off for her. It makes sense that she doesn't want to be friends because you keep trying to be more than friends. That is very obvious. She would spend all her time with you knowing you wanted more or were waiting. She feels uncomfortable about you waiting. I know you have tried and tried at this and want her to want you, but it doesn't sound like it is happening that way. While strong personalities CAN get along, it doesn't mean that they all do. You are attempting to persuade her into liking things about a person that she just doesn't. She has given it a few tries and it still doesn't feel right to her. I don't think she gave up too soon. You can tell pretty quickly if you click with someone and she doesn't feel that way. Yes, couples have disagreements, but if a core intuition is not working, then it isn't working. You have tried to convince her for months now and you still don't think that is long enough? You are trying to control the situation and she knows this and doesn't like it. You may have felt a chemistry at the beginning, but as she got to see how overwhelming you can be about her, that was a turn off. I think she is looking for more of a relaxed, free spirit kind of person (Type B or C) and you are more Type A. I don't know, it doesn't sound much like this relationship is going to work I'm afraid. She is convinced you anent' right for her and she has given it a few chances. She will not be concerned for you out of sympathy, it is something a person would genuinely be concerned about with someone they know, the love, they like or just someone they know. You have this all or nothing attitude with her and she knows it. Yes, give it some time. A few months probably. I don't think you can or should change who you are for her. You are who you are. Is it possible for you to be more laid back and not put every detail of life under a microscope? Possibly, but you wouldn't be happy changing that much of yourself. I think this is the 'strong' that she doesn't like.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I appreciate your reasoning about things with me. I am hurt and disappointed that she has made up her mind and I have been thinking more about my behavior. I didn't used to be so overwhelming about things. I think a period of years I have learned to put up a wall as a defense mechanism because of past relationships and being hurt. I used to be more laid back and more passive. I still would like for her to let me know when I do something that bothers her right then instead of letting it go and not saying anything until later. That is the only way I see being able to really see myself as she does. I do think I should not have contact with her for a couple months because I do want to try and have a friendship with her if nothing more. I do not want to continue being overwhelming. I realize that I might try to analyze things too much. She is a wonderful lady and I still want to be a part in her life, even as just friends. As far as her thinking that we would wind up arguing alot on down the road, I know myself better. I will try to back off if I see that a situation is starting to get out of hand. I wish she would not assume that we will argue alot when it has never happened. She is holding that against me unfairly when it has not happened. Just because she might have that feeling or fear in her mind. I also don't want her to not really give me a try before we even have an argument. She is afraid of the "what if"...in order to still try and have a friendship with her I think maybe we should not have contact for a couple months and ask her if she would be willing to then talk again. Ya think?
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
I think time is a good thing. The same things that you see that caused you to be who you are has also made her who she is. She does see the what ifs because she has been there, done that and probably has seen things in her friends relationships. Although you see it as unfair and it may be, it is real to her. it would be uncomfortable for her to tell you when you are being overwhelming, or otherwise doing something that bothers her. Think about it. How would you feel if someone asked you to point out all the things that bother you? WOUldn't that make you feel rude, even if it wasn't? Plus, she may not actually feel you are doing something that wrong until she gets home and thinks about it, so you can't really expect her to hold your hand through the relationship. She shouldn't have to. it would be exhausting to make someone act a certain way all the time.
Give it some time. See how it goes.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello again,
From what i wrote to you on Mar.11 : she told me that she dated her ex after they moved out, after the rape occured. I asked why would she want to do that after what they did to her. She lost it, said she could not handle this anymore...she said I was asking her "how could you want to stay with your ex after they raped you? She finished her coffee and left, very upset. I dont think I will ever hear from her again. I tried explaining to her that I was only trying to figure things out and understand. She now has pushed me away again, I think for the last time. I so much want to still be her friend but feel like its not worth trying because she doesnt want it. I do not mean to push her buttons and ask the wrong things or make the wrong comments. I think I am over opinionated and push people away.

Cindy and I have talked and seen each other a few times in the last week. She apologized for being so hateful with me and said she would not do that anymore. She also said that when I told her that I was afraid I might have cancer, she said it just killed her and that she thinks about it alot. ( I will have my tests Wed. to find out)..anyhow, she had invited me to dinner Fri. night and she asked a friend to join us. We had fun but she had told me that we were only seeing each other as friends. Back a week ago when she told me that we cant even be friends because I keep trying to be more and that my not being able to just be friends so she could see if maybe on down the road it could lead to more, that made me think.. That is why I accepted going out as just friends. She has told me we are not compatible but can become good friends, she told me that what happened, that day (what I copied above from the Mar 11 letter), that she had an attraction for me but when I said how could you still see your ex after what they did to you (rape) she said my asking that is what turned her feelings off for me...I now am feeling so bad and I asked her to please forgive me, she said she had long ago, not to worry about it. But knowing that my one comment about it that day is what changed her feelings for me is eating at me. I want so much to work this out. I do think she still has an attraction for me and I asked her about holding my hand in church, she said she felt close to me and it was her way of trying to find out if she could still feel something for me...She admitted that holding my hand was nice..I so much want to get her back and I want to make it up to her. After church yesterday we had lunch and as we left to leave, she hugged me and said for the first time: "love you"..I told her I love her too. Please, how can I get her to give me a chance? I just know we could be together. I also told her that i had been told that she was being hot and cold..told her to google search it...I really love her and when she said she loves me, maybe she just meant in a friendship kinda way, but I do think she could fall in love with me. She said what i said from Mar 11 was a red flag and she has learned to look for those early on. I think she could still have feelings...what to do now? It is really eating at me.. I have ordered flowers to be delivered next week.
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
I honestly think you have done about all you can do. You have been through a lot with her already, ups and downs and in betweens. You have a tough position because she goes through all of these emotions and she acts so differently towards you, changes her feelings day to day and you are left to deal with it and try to interpret every single detail of what went on, what was said, etc. That is not very fair for you and seems like she isn't very concerned how her actions effect you, only how your actions effect her. I don't believe that your ONE comment to her has changed everything. Her red flag could be maybe about you getting personal with her when she wasn't comfortable when it was a bad timing, but you have to let go of that. There is nothing at all you can do about it. You can't unsay the words, you can't change the past. Don't let anything you can't control bother you that much. The only thing you can control is the future and only what you do, not her. She knows you pretty well by now and has already formed her opinions about you based on all of the time you have spent with her. Nothing will change that. Even if you change things about yourself, it takes an enormous amount of time for those things to take shape in someone's mind. I'm afraid you can't do much except wait to see if she changes how she feels about you. She is very, very clear in how you feel about her and that you want more than a friendship with her. Her comfort level with that is where you are going to sit until or if she wants to change it. Stop thinking about the past. You have both discussed it. It's done. It's gone, let it go. Both of your personalities are difficult to see in a relationship. She is very up and down and you look into every detail, which annoys the person who is always up and down because she has to worry about you looking into every detail, and the cycle continues. I think you are going to have a difficult road ahead to get her to feel more for you than she does already. She has taken a few chances and she can't get past her impression of you being not compatible. You can't force it.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi, I want to ask your opinion about something that is puzzling me. Cindy and I have been spending more time together and talking on phone alot. Then we met to have dinner and I flirted...she was shy but we had long, lingering looks. we then saw each other sat. had tarot card reading together...she seemed to base her opinion about me on the reading..not fair. then she assured me once again that she has no attraction for me. we then met at church, she brought a much younger fellow that she said she was trying to help get out for the day. she was very playful and touching on me during church and I turned away from her, she caught me eyeing another woman...her mood changed, then we had a misunderstanding...I asked her to call...she then tells me she and this younger dude are kinda starting to see each other.,..she has always told me she likes em older and would never consider dating younger,,..he is 9 yrs younger.,..WTF...I left her a message to talk in private face to face...she is trying to do what...let me know to move on...sowing her oats.,..or make me jealous???
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
Wow, she is taking advantage of you big time. She knows you like her and will be there whenever it is convenient for her. She is doing all 3 things to you. In my opinion, you should be done with her altogether. She obviously enjoys playing games with people. WHy would you want to talk in private with her? It's apparent what is going on here. You should really just wash your hands of her completely.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I appreciate that, however, I still have feelings and care about her very much, so it is not that easy to walk away...when she does call to talk, what to tell her? that I see that everything she has tried to make me believe about her integrity and values and beliefs was all a lie? and if she ever decides that she wants an honest, mature relat. to let me know? Or just tell her to stop playing games and grow up..and to leave me the F**% alone....I am fed up with her but still cant help how I feel. She lost her job recently and told me just a few days ago how vulnerable she is right now. I have done nothing but tried to be supportive and patient. In one sense I still would like to try to have a friendship but not sure it would be worth it. She will call me and instead of seeming sensitive and compassionate about my feelings knowing I have feelings for her, she has almost seemed to get off on putting me down. Oh well...I guess I need to really let her go this time. It will be hard but probably for the best.
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
I know it will be hard, but think about this. Look at all of this she has put you through. WHat do you really envision a relationship to be like? She obviously doesn't want one. Are you going to spend the rest of your life chasing someone who is only playing games and using you?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi, I am just needing to try and figure things out a little more in order to really move on...Cindy had always told me she would never want to date anyone under 48 yrs. of age, anything younger was too immature, she told me this new person that has walked into her life is 40 with a maturity of younger...she also told me that when her ex moved in after dating 2 - 3 months that it was too soon. Now, she told me only a week and half ago that her and her new love interest are still trying to figure out how to date. First of all, I am not a stalker, would never do anything crazy, her house is on a road that is a short cut that I have been making for 0ver 30 years. So, I have been by her house and seen this person's pick up truck in her driveway...almost every single night...and have been by at different hours and know it has been there over night. It is the new guy staying over night. After all that she has told me about her beliefs and integrity, she has either been lying all the time, or she has lost her friggin mind! I can't understand what she is trying to do..she tried making me feel bad for flirting with her just the week before all this started up and said I was only trying to get in her pants...BS!! I have been through so much with her and tried to be so supportive and showing how much I cared..She. put too much emphasis on the tarot card reading just a couple of days before she told me her and the new guy had an attraction for each other and were starting to see each other. She said, I thought you said you only wanted to be friends,,,she knows I have been having trouble making transition from attraction for her to just friendship. .could she possibly be wanting me to fight to win her back or what?? I also sent her an email telling her how I felt used, how many things I have tried to do for her and being supportive, and how I feel like this new love walks into her life now that she feels ready and they are now receiving the benefits and was not there for her through all the bad times like I was. We have had no contact in over 5 days.
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
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