How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Dr. L Your Own Question

Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1168
Experience:  Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
63993671
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Dr. L is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Hi, I usually use Just Answer for plumbing and vet questions,

Resolved Question:

Hi,

I usually use Just Answer for plumbing and vet questions, but I'll give this a try!

So I'm 50, I'm in a five year relationship. Good. Solid. I was married before to crazy. So I go from crazy and drama filled, to steady and boring. I'm in the five year steady relationship and I'm feeling the need for a little crazy. A little adventure. After all these years of wisdom, you'd think I would just chill and cultivate the adventure in myself and the person I'm with. So how do you do that in a relationship?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. L replied 4 years ago.

Dr Levang :

HI,

Customer:

Hi

Dr Levang :

I'd like to help you with your question. So...what does a need for a little crazy mean to you? Does it mean doing some outrageous? Or does it mean just shaking up the everyday with some adventure?

Customer:

I struggle with that very question. I don't know how much is enough.

Dr Levang :

Any relationship can get dull - in fact - most usually go thru a dry spell at some point.

Dr Levang :

Okay...so tell me what it feels like to be bored in this relationship - is there nothing to talk about, is sex uneventful....what?

Customer:

No doubt. But I just see the pattern in my own behavior and its coming around again. I guess that's the benefit of being older, you have a lot of data to work with :)

Dr Levang :

So...tell me more about the pattern...

Customer:

Sex is definitely uneventful. We have sex at most once a month. She doesn't it like it too much. She'd much prefer a back rub. Then I think to myself well is sex that important?

Dr Levang :

Hmmm....has she always been uninterested in sex?

Dr Levang :

What's your answer to: XXXXX XXXXX important to YOU

Customer:

Then I always think of Clinton and Eliot Spitzer...one man the leader of the free world and it was worth fooling around with an intern to throw it away? Or Spitzer breaking up a prostitution ring only to be client #9...seems like a powerful force.

Customer:

Connection and passion more important than sex to be sure. We are solid, but that deep connection...I feel unconnected a bit.

Dr Levang :

Yes... I agree that men - and women - have done a lot of stupid things because of sexual desires.

Dr Levang :

Is your sense of disconnection more recent?

Dr Levang :

What would you say to reading a book or two about sex? Not exactly how-to books - but more about making sex fun and about making connections?

Customer:

Gradual...I can subjugate that feeling for wild abandon or deep connection in a Faustian exchange for safe and secure. But only for awhile.

Customer:

I would be open, do you have some good references?

Dr Levang :

Would an improved sex life be the change that would take you out of the boring state?

Dr Levang :

Yes - being safe and secure satisfies many of our needs as human beings, whereas sexual encounters and intimacy play a different role in need satisfaction. But...we can have both!

Customer:

No, I think its more symptomatic. For example, if I could have a beautiful hooker come in every night just to take care of the sex, I could probably go another 5 or even ten years...but ultimately that's not it. I need to find a way to take this to another level.

Dr Levang :

The two books I recommend are:

Dr Levang :

I hear you on the symptomatic - while I also here a desire to stay committed to your partner and committed to your own ethics and values.

Dr Levang :

So..the books are:

Dr Levang :

Sex is Fun this is more of a workbook and couples tend to find this enjoyable, humorous, and enlightening

Dr Levang :

Soulful Sex: Opening your heart, body and spirit to lifelong passion

Dr Levang :

Both books will be available on-line or can be ordered at any bookstore.

Customer:

I will check them out. Many thanks.

Dr. L and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

Related Relationship Questions