How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask psychlady Your Own Question

psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
52358615
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
psychlady is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Sorry this is so long. I am 61 years old, my husband just

Resolved Question:

Sorry this is so long.
I am 61 years old, my husband just turned 70. We have been married for 31 years. This is his second marriage, my first.

Early in our marriage my husband surprised me when he suggested we involve another person in our intimate relationship. He suggested another man. He said that since I had had no previous experience with men prior to our marriage, I might enjoy this. He suggested he would get pleasure in watching. I said “no”, I wasn’t interested.
Around that time, I came home from shopping one Saturday to have him tell me that he had phoned some sort of escort service that sent out men and had tentatively made arrangements for the three of us to get together that evening. He was waiting for me to come home to finalize this. Again, I said no and told him to stop suggesting this.

After that, our sex life dwindled to just about nothing, in fact, completely to nothing for about 10 years. Then, while on vacation, we talked about our situation and became intimate once again. Shortly after that, he suggested that perhaps meeting another couple would spice things up. I told him I thought that such an activity would completely destroy us.

We had a reasonable sex life for the next few years. However, for the past 5 years, he has insisted that when we are making love he can only achieve an erection if he thinks about me having sex with another man. Thinking that this is probably quite a common fantasy for men, I went along with it. I also went along with watching adult films/pornography involving couples/swingers and two men with one woman.

Then, while on vacation while back, he started picking out men on the beach or in bars and asking me if this one or that would suit me. I have told him that none would suit me but that I understand his need for the fantasy. I, however, do not know how seeing me with someone else would be exciting for him. Recently we discussed this situation at length and I reminded him of the time he called the escort service. He then told me that he had lied to me at the time, that he had not called anyone. I asked him why he let me think that for all these years and he did not have an answer. He did assure me, though, that he was not testing me in any way. Now, I’m not so sure.

Lately the need to include this fantasy in our love-making is constant. If he does not get satisfaction/cannot achieve an orgasm, he says it is because he does not get the feeling that I am really into this. Furthermore, every vacation we go on now involves this ongoing conversation. I have suggested going on vacation with friends or other family members but he says that if we do that, it will hinder our progress in looking for a man for me. When I remind him that this is just fantasy and that at my age, finding a man who would be interested in me that way would be damn near impossible, he says that unless he believes that this can really happen, he cannot get any satisfaction out of our love making.

I have tried really hard to play my part in what I see as a fantasy but more and more I feel it is not fantasy for him. Recently it occurred to me that he might be trying to get me to have sex with someone else because he has had an affair during our marriage and this would even the score.

Evening the score played a big part in the demise of his first marriage. His first wife thought he was having an affair so she had one. When he found out, he had an affair to get back at her.

I am very confused, very tired of play acting and quite concerned that I might find myself in a very difficult situation one day because he does not seem to be able to distinguish fantasy from reality.

Is any of this normal? Is there any way to shut this down? And, at 70, how much longer is he likely to want to have sex? He has tried Viagra and Cialis but, even with that medicinal assistance, he cannot achieve orgasm unless he feels I am really buying into this “other man” situation.

I don’t have anyone else that I can discuss this with – friends and family would be shocked to know about this. I hope you can help me to understand and deal with this better.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 2 years ago.

I can only help you from a therapist's point of view. ED and medications for ED is best addressed by a doctor.

 

It seems that he has become sexually addicted to this fantasy and this is causing him to constantly bring this to you. When someone becomes obsessed with a fantasy the other person's needs are not considered. It is all about fulfilling this fantasy. He is the only one who knows where this originated or why. There may not even be a reason. Sexuality is a very personal part of our personality. He seems to be obsessed with having high risk sex either you or the both of you. You have to stick by your guns because anything that you agree to do will be along these lines.

 

Porn and other vehicles is less intrusive than involving you with other partners. The best resolution to this issue is to have him see a sex therapist. He has to of course want to learn why this is so important. The next best solution is to involve a couples counselor to see you both. He has to realize that this is hindering your relationship. This is a complex issue that has to be explored over time. A therapist can explore the issue of sexual addiction.

 

This obsession may have been born of his previous marriage but he has to be willing to resolve this now to be fair to you

 

Please press accept; this is the only way I am compensated

psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
psychlady and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency