How JustAnswer Works:
  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.
Ask psychlady Your Own Question
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6892
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
psychlady is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Hi. I am in need of advice about my current relationship of

Customer Question

Hi. I am in need of advice about my current relationship of 1 year, 3 months. I appreciate your time reading my concerns. My boyfriend is a very caring, supportive, understanding, and loving person and I feel it is hard to find men who are this way. There are however things about him that are very frustrating and I can't decide if they are worth breaking up over. If they are not, then I don't know what to say or how to fix them.

#1 is he is always wanting sex and I am finding myself less and less interested in having sex with him. I am finding him less and less attractive physically and I also don't enjoy having sex with him because it does not feel good to me and he is not romantic. (He sweats profusely and this grosses me out) He is not exactly large and just wants me to hop on and do the work. When we do have sex it is usually out of pity because he always asks if there is something wrong if I don't want to and I don't want him to think there is something wrong with him (even though I feel this is true). He is very self conscious about his performance and is insecure. He doesn't want to try new things because he says we're "trying too hard" but I don't have the heart to tell him that I am not attracted to him because I know it will destroy his ego. When we haven't had sex for awhile he hints at it here and there and makes me feel guilty. I am running out of excuses and I don't see myself wanting to have sex with him in future.

#2 His self esteem (And he gets this from his mom). He will not admit to it but he is very insecure with himself and his relationships. In his last relationship his girlfriend left him for someone else. It was a lot worse a few months ago but he would constantly ask if things were ok with us and even get into fights over and it made me not feel very confident about being together. He overreacts to most things and is very moody. I feel he values his worth based on his externals (like is work and relationship) and not his core self esteem. Therefore his moods are like a roller coaster when work is good or bad and I am the one he vents to about every thing going wrong. I feel that I have to comfort and calm like I'm his mother. It causes me stress on top the amount of stress I already have with my own work.

#3 Cleanliness. (although it has gotten better) He grew up with having a maid his whole life and will not clean unless I mention it (and i am not a neat freak!) He has a cat and this ads to the mess. He got a maid to come once and then didn't follow up with her. He is very busy with work but I find him playing video games before sweeping up the cat litter all over the kitchen floor.

Break up or stay together? My boyfriend is definitely in love with me and I feel it will destroy him if we break up. I love him but do not feel I am IN LOVE but also not sure what that means. I feel it takes more than love to have a working relationship. There are wonderful traits about my boyfriend that I think are hard to find in a man and I can't stop thinking that I would be giving up something great if I broke up with him. We are both freelancers in the arts field so he understands what I do and is very supportive. He is always there for me. He talks about moving in together and possibly getting married but I do not feel I want either of those things with him. And then again what if this is as good as it gets and I am throwing away a perfectly good person (that i don't enjoy having sex with). We both love to travel and it seems like only when we go on vacations together are things much better, mainly because I feel we are in a more romantic situation. In a nutshell, great boyfriend, bad sex. I'm very 50/50. Can you help me?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

#1 Your desire to avoid sex could be many things. You could be at an age where your sex drive has decreased or it could be of course be him. To have a healthy sex life you first have to have intimacy. You could work on this as a couple since the passionate stage of your relationship has passed. If you are certain that you don't feel sexual towards him then you have to tactfully tell him that. It is not fair to make excuses - to you or him. He may have a sense of poor self esteem but that doesn't mean you should protect him by lying. If you want to work on this issue then do so but if it isn't going to change anything then you have to tell him.


#2 It sounds like you are owning his issues relative to his lack of confidence. You can't respond constantly to that because it will stress you out. Suggest that he find a therapist so that his relationship is separate from the work he needs to do on his self esteem. He can't gain confidence by you convincing him that things are fine. That will never happen. He has to be okay within himself.


#3 Decide together what the job responsibilities are. Try not to do things because he won't. Give him responsibilities that aren't urgent and remind him rather than doing them yourself.


You have to decide if you want this relationship. It sounds to me that you don't want it. You yourself said that you don't see a future. So if you spend time with him and there is no future then you are wasting your time. I think you stay out of guilt. That is not a reason. He will get over the pain but you can't stay because leaving will hurt his feelings. I think you know you have lost the desire to be together. Tell him and get out of a relationship you are staying in out of obligation.


Please press accept; this is the only way I am compensated

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
How can I tactfully tell him I don't feel sexual toward him. Could you give me some ideas on what to say to him? He knows he is not "big" and I'm afraid he will take it very personal and I will upset him. I feel we are intimate all the time, cuddling on the couch watching a movie, we fall asleep holding each other in bed because I feel safe and comfortable. I just never feel in the mood to have sex with him. Does this happen to a lot of people?
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
I think it does happen to a lot of people. Every relationship goes from passionate to comfortable. Sex becomes less exciting or important and time together becomes the bigger goal. I would tell him that you are feeling less sexual and that sex is not a priority for you. That puts the responsibility on you and less of a chance that he will get his feelings hurt.

Related Relationship Questions