Am I an idiot? That is a very real question. I will post more in the new thread I started.
Thank you for your continued support, though I'm guessing you feel like you are smashing your head against a brick wall with me.
Trust me, we have done this. All our discussions end with arguements. Him saying "Divorce is the only answer" and me saying, "I want to work through this." Lately things have seemed to become worse, but maybe better?? I don't know. It is so beyond complicated that I don't blame anyone for opting out. I don't think he wants a divorce, yet the more time that passes, the more resentful I become and the more I lash out at him. I know I need to stop this, but it is so hard. When he is here I look at him and I think..."I'm not a horrible person, I've never done anything like he has done to me. Why am I not good enough for him to move back home?" Then instead of asking him (because I HAVE and I get silence or the "this is never going to work".) I lash out. I'm mean, I'm nasty and I'm ruining every chance I have to bring us back together.
In the beginning he declined therapy, said he doesn't believe in it. Even my oldest son asked him to get help for his anger, and my husband denied him saying, "I don't need help". Recently, when I think he realized how serious I was about moving forward and ending the marriage (even though it isn't what I wanted, I'm just falling apart living in this limbo)...he suddenly became more receptive to marriage counseling. Now I'm on the hunt for a licensed marriage therapist, who can hopefully knock down his walls...because he doesn't believe in therapy. However the fact he is willing to go signifies to me one of two things -- and here is where I get scared -- he either doesn't want the divorce and is hoping this will help us, OR he wants the divorce and figures he will do this to pacify me and can then say..."Hey I tried it, it doesn't work". I'm praying it is the first reason. I love this man. I have always loved this man. He was here for me when my mom died, and healed my broken heart and from that moment on I knew I was meant to be with him forever. He has hurt me, but I have hurt him -- and probably in worse ways than a secret friendship. I've belittled him, I've treated him as though he wasn't important to me or our children, I've ignored his basic needs, and I've had unrealistic expectations of him, that when he didn't meet (even though he didn't know what they were)...I literally crapped all over him.
In my defense, he hasn't been the greatest husband AT TIMES. He is a workaholic. Working three plus jobs. An example is this week alone. Sunday he was off, Monday works 24hrs, Tuesday works 4pm-12:30am, Wednesday works 24hrs, Thursday works 8am-5pm, Friday works 24hrs, Saturday he is off however I work 11pm - 730am. Sunday we are both off...however we don't do anything together. I will have to sleep after working nights, and when I get up he will most likely escape to his mom's house (or as he calls it, HOME).
So talking isn't an option right now. He wants to live in the past and throw things at me that I can't change, and I resent him for walking out on me and my four children and leaving me to deal with everything while he runs from job to job and sleeps at mom's without having to really do anything with his kids.
Hopefully we can find a LFMT soon to help us, but I fear we waited too long and maybe now the divide between us is too great. I apologize for my errors, however my actions (the anger I harbor towards him right now) speak much louder and invalidate my apologies.
I'm in therapy by myself, and try to go every week, however it isn't easy with the kids and a husband who no longer lives here and works 90 hours a week.