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psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I am 67 years "young." Divorced in 1995. I seem to be attracted

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I am 67 years "young." Divorced in 1995. I seem to be attracted to ladies that are not nice to me. They are actually nasty. I continue to pursue them even though I know they are not right for me. Why do I do that?
P
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 2 years ago.

There can be many reasons for why people chose negative relationships. One could be a low sense of self worth. If you don't feel that you deserve then you won't look for a higher caliber and actually be unattracted to someone who is healthy and positive for you. Most of the time when people have low self esteem they will seek out relationships that support that belief about themselves. The other possibility is that you have a sort of fetish for women who are nasty and you are sexually excited by the thought that they have this quality. This would be a psychological attraction that would qualify as a sexual fetish. In that case you are not harming anyone by seeking out these partners but short change your own self in finding a partner who is attractive. You have to decide if this habit is worth changing or if this is a way of finding sexual satisfaction without harming anyone.

 

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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thanks for your answer. Must be difficult to figure this out without meeting a little information.
More information may be helpful.
As a child I didn't receive love...my dad was busy and my mom was depressed. She spent most of her time in bed and took a variety of anti-depressants.
I got attention by doing things for my parents....waxing car. Sending them to Hawaii.
I also did that for my 2 sisters and 2 daughters (expensive college, wedding etc).
Got tired of this "giving" with out receiving back so I quit doing it. I now have no relationship with my 2 sisters, 2 daughters and their 4 children (=my grandchildren).
I translate this idea that by giving to ladies they will like me. After awhile I get tired of it.
Quit doing it and I (or they) end relationship.
I think my self-esteem is intact. Maybe it isn't. Not a "sexual fetish."
Any ideas how to end this cycle.
Thanks,
Patrick
Expert:  psychlady replied 2 years ago.

Your self esteem may be in tact but you have been conditioned to believe that your value is in giving unselfishly to others - not in a healthy way but completely past what someone should give. It is almost like you have placed your value on how much you can give up and this leads to a compulsive need to give to others without considering your own needs. This is exhausting and you or the other person tires of this cycle. You need to focus now on holding back something for yourself. That means stopping and considering when you give are you crossing the boundary that is typical for most people. If you have crossed that line then learn to hold back so that the pattern of holding back reinforces the fact that you are valuable without this behavior. Eventually you will also meet someone that is willing to find value in you without being showered with your giving ways

 

 

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

You are, of course, right on.

Do you have any tips on "considering when you give and are crossing the boundary."

I know I am doing it...but feel I have a "lot to give"

How can I stop doing it and stay "..within the boundary that is typical for most people."

Patrick

Expert:  psychlady replied 2 years ago.
You should of course be conscious of when you are enabling another person. If you are doing things for instance that they can do for themself you have crossed the line. If you are mentally expecting something in return such as attention or admiration you have crossed the line. Keep in mind what you are expecting in return or if you think it is normal for you to give that at that particular time. Many times you know that you are crossing the line but you do it anyway. That inner voice should be your guide
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Does a "normal" person expect something back when they give something to another person?
I have given a DVD player, M-3 player, orchids and an all-expense paid trip from San Francisco to Key West, Florida to a girl friend of 5 months . At the end of trip I ended relationship. I wasn't getting what I anticipated (love and attention).
I have to learn to "control" this behavior.
Thaks for you insightful answers.
P
Expert:  psychlady replied 2 years ago.

No you shouldn't expect something back. However people are all different. Everyone expects something if you mean in terms of attention. You do have to learn to hold back. Ask yourself when you are giving why you are doing it. Otherwise you will feel resentful.

 

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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
psychlady and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you

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