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psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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My girlfriend has told me about her exs and that shes given

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My girlfriend has told me about her ex's and that shes given them oral sex before and shes doen it to me once in a while but i really like it and the girl of my past did it all the time without me even asking her to. I do do do for this girl drive her everywhere take her to school and work buy her jewellery but i ask her to do little for me like oral sex and she dont and wont. She nows how happy it makes me and if shes doen it in the past i dont understand why she cant makw a sacrifice for the one she loves and take ten minutes tk make her man the happiest guy on earth?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 2 years ago.

It is unfortunate that your girlfriend can't compromise on this issue. I would try changing certain things so that she doesn't feel that you are focused on this issue. First be conscious of the way you ask her for oral sex. If you are perceived by her as deserving it for things you have done then she may be less open to fulfilling your wish. You want her to feel that it is her choice so that she doesn't feel obligated. Women don't tend to do well when they obligated for something. Be conscious of also comparing yourself to ex's. That can be a slippery slope. I would also find out if you can why she doesn't like to do this. She may really hate performing this act. If that is the case then asking her may make her feel that you are asking her to do something unpleasant. We don't know why she has changed her perception about this act. Lastly be patience. She could drastically change her mind over time.

 

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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I have given her time, she doesnt seem to get the hint ill go down on her and please her expecting maybe she will for me, her past scars me and its killing me inside know that she has done it for past men but wont for the one that she loves, i was a virgin she wasnt and know she had a sexual past and i dont and then i get denied of thing i ask really hurts me, i dont get why she cant me a sacrifice for the one she loves, if shes done it before she could doit again to make her partner happy, i understand that she may not like it but i dont like 90% of the stuff i do for her like waking up 6 in the morning and oicking her up a few hours later then going to work tired a little while after that. I dont understand why she cant make this sacrifice.
Expert:  psychlady replied 2 years ago.
it is curious that she has this history. You have to find why she won't do it now. There may be a reason that has nothing to do with your value as a lover. The issue is that you feel she won't "sacrifice" for you. That is an important issue and you have to resolve this together. Make sure she knows that you feel that she doesn't sacrifice by denying you this act.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
She does know this ive explained to her and told her its killing me, her excuse it she simply doesnt like doing it, because of the tastes etc. Like most women say but suck it up its almost like she thinks shes the boss and it her way or the highway and shes controlling. But ive hit the point where im tired of doing for and getting nothing in return, so ive stopped doing and are relationship has come to crap because i dont do do do for her and it all comes down to her sexual past haunting me and wont help me out getting over it by show she cares and will make a sacrifice for me..i dont know how to tell her or what to say to her anymore i dont think she gets it...its like im asking you to help me out with a plan for her or something that we can go by dojng for one another, i dont want to leave the girl bacause of this and i know its sounds wrong and selfish of me to brean up with someone over something like this but im just not happy anymore!
Expert:  psychlady replied 2 years ago.
This may seem like a control issue but some women just don't like this act. If you feel that your effort and her effort are too far apart then this might be an issue that is not actually about sex. You seem resentful that you have to do so much for her. Maybe that is the issue to talk about. maybe try to talk about the real issue whether or not that is about oral sex. You may be using oral sex to validate your importance to her. Then when she doesn't do that you don't feel that she loves you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
It all comes down to she introduced me to this act shes done it with other men, you could say shes turned me into a horndog because i was a virgin untill i treat her like a princess and all i ask of her is to do this. And it will continue that all i want from her really thats the only problem weve had..that and shes done it to men whove treated her bad and wont for me almost as if they had something better then me like they were better then me in some way....it kill kill kills me inside thinking about this and the Only of solving this and getting it out of my head is treating me like im the only one like shes cares for me like no other :(
Expert:  psychlady replied 2 years ago.
You may have a large appetite for a behavior because everything is new. As you have a long history you may find that the novelty wears off. The problem seems to be not that she won't do it but that you feel that she treated others better or saw someone in her past as better than you. You can't define your importance by what she did with someone else. Be careful to not feel that she needs to prove her love for you through oral sex
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
She doesnt prove her love anywhere.. and i ask that she it least shows she cares for me by making me happy nomatter how she does it..she knows that i know about her sexual past and knows that i know the things shes done with them but wont for me...that is saying something plain as day right there in my eyes...if it was the opposite way around i would sacrifice anything to make her feel like there was nobody better then them
Expert:  psychlady replied 2 years ago.
You may have to be patient (even more). The relationship could blossom and her love will be proven in other ways. For now you may be putting too much emphasis on this and that is why you are meeting with resistance.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
So do you have any advice? To maybe what i should say to her to help the situation this is a problem that i cant wait out her past haunts me and she knows it and its always running through my mind the dirty lil things that shes done with other men and wont with me...what should i say to her?
Expert:  psychlady replied 2 years ago.
I would say that the fact that "the fact that you gave your previous partners oral sex makes me believe that you cared more about them than you do about me". "Help me understand why it was acceptable for them and not what you are willing to do now" You see this incorporates your desire for oral sex with the way you feel about what it represents
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
And if nothing changes what do you think i should do? Stay unhappy and miserable and stess iver this or should i leave her because she simply does not sexually satisfy me which seems a lil messed up
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I mean were young im only 21, and if our relationship is already like this now could you imagine in 5-10 years how it would be
Expert:  psychlady replied 2 years ago.
If you see this as unsatisfying then you have the choice to leave. It depends on how much of a priority oral sex is. Maybe your age is a factor too. It is hard to have a fulfilling relationship at 21. If you think this is going to be a problem in the future as the sex drive decreases then you have to make that decision.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Things never really worked out well were taking a break, and i realized how much i loved her after i could barely talk to her after a few days past im really in live with her and went crazy trying to fix thing between us and she just keeps saying she needs time she doesnt know what she wants it just hurts to know that a girl that supposedly lived me dont know wether she would rather work things out between us or go start fresh with someone new i dont understand her she says her problems are my jealousy and fighting issues the jealousy comes from her not giving me the attention i deserve showing me off doing random stuff like sex and oral that keeps me from thinking my girl wants someone else and the fighting everytime we make a plan to be better its goid for a week i follow through then she goes right back to the bitchyness and dont stick with it then we start again she doesnt realize this herself shes so damn stubborn
Expert:  psychlady replied 2 years ago.
I can understand your need for attention and the reaction when this doesn't happen. It does create a power struggle. For now be patient and let her figure it out. She knows that you want to be together. Maybe the both of you could agree to have online counseling in the comfort of your living room. You could make dates to make this happen and see if there is good potential in this relationship. Also pick up a copy of Mars and Venus so you can minimize this power struggle.
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Yeah i broke up with her because i felt totally unnapreciated i did and i did for her but a few days went by and my true feeling came out for her and i gave in to try and talk with her and get back together, now somehow she says she needs a break she needs time she has no desire tk see me or doesnt misses me she says she wants that back so shes taking a break. So she expects me to wait around for her to realize if she loves me or not to wanna be with me is this wrong or what because i think it is im hurting every hour not talking to her but she can let days go by? Somethings really coming out there huh? I think i should just let her go but i cant get her off my mind
Expert:  psychlady replied 2 years ago.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Yeah i begged for her in a way to stop she dont need a break made myself look really low and desperate which was dumb and she said its pushing her away even more she really wants this break so i said whatever so my last attempt with her is the waiting game/ hard to get if she does give in see if she beggs for me back then ill know she cares if not then j guess thats that and it wasnt worth keeping...what do you think?
Expert:  psychlady replied 2 years ago.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Well i just found out the real truth she was messing around with another guy not sex but just making out with him on few occasions i told her im done were over and thats how i want it to be but my feelings for her are so strong its hard to let her go is it dumb that im even considering talking to her again i dont know what to do i dont think she deserves me after that
Expert:  psychlady replied 2 years ago.
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psychlady
psychlady
Counselor
6886 Satisfied Customers
I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues