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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1723
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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My wife went away for an undetermined amount of time and it

Resolved Question:

My wife went away for an undetermined amount of time and it is killing me day by day. I know I should be taking this time to get myself back together but I can't stop thinking about her and whether we still have a future together. I know she is staying with friends and she says she loves me and wants a future with me, but I can't shake the feeling that something is wrong. I believe she is having an affair with someone ...my evidence seems to confirm an emotional affair but my gut says its more.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi Again, thanks for coming back to talk with me.

Customer:

Sure thing

CoachJenK :

so based on our earlier conversations she has now gone away and you believe it is to have this affair we talked about?

Customer:

No, she had been saying that the conflict between us had been overwhelming and she needed to get away...Since I know where she is I am certain its not to have a rendezvous with this guy

CoachJenK :

What was her reasoning for leaving?

CoachJenK :

ok well that is one good thing.

Customer:

However, it doesn't mean she is in contact with him daily

CoachJenK :

so my hunch is that she needs this space to figure out what she wants in this relationship with you. Not easy for you at all,i know!

Customer:

isn't

Customer:

yea ...it feels that way

CoachJenK :

As we talked prior if she is going to do something and she is already by having this emotional space with him there isnt much you can do...sadly

CoachJenK :

we need to find ways for you to take care of yourself through this so that it doesnt eat you alive

Customer:

ok, I got that but how do make the pain stop?

CoachJenK :

i wish I had that magic solution. the way to make it easier is to let yourself feel it...the more you push it away the more it will tear you up.

CoachJenK :

what about some counseling so you have a place to express yourself?

Customer:

Prior to all of this I thought we had minor problems we could overcome

CoachJenK :

I understand and the two of you need to be in counseling so that you can figure out if you want to work on staying together or work on moving apart.

Customer:

I have been doing that with an MFT, a friend who is a Pastor, My aunt who is a psychologist....they all said she was playing games and to ignore her and let run its course. But I say at what cost??

CoachJenK :

yes that is an option and the cost is your mental health.

CoachJenK :

but either way you are going to be in pain because you love her and her behavior is hurting you now.

Customer:

I am absolutely devastated!!!!

CoachJenK :

so all the support needs to be for you now and she will do what she will do.

CoachJenK :

I know you are and I am so sorry for the pain you are in

Customer:

I want to let go just so that this pain will stop

Customer:

But, what if she does love me and wants a future with me....

Customer:

this is crazy!!!!

CoachJenK :

It is not a healthy way of relating for sure.

Customer:

I have never felt sooo desperate in all my life.....I have to get it together some how. I realize that I have to "Man-up" but, my heart feels broken....what should I do to get a grip?

CoachJenK :

you know what...you dont have to man-up you need to feel what you feel, talk to her and figure out how to make it work

Customer:

For the last two months I pour my heart out to her, sometimes tearfully....she has taken all of that and has talked to friends and family (My mom in particular) and described me as being unstable emotionally. She said spoke about me like I was in danger of hurting myself and that my behavior is unreasonable.

CoachJenK :

not very supportive. Does any of it ring true for you?

CoachJenK :

you are feeling unstable because things are unstable...that would throw anyone off.

Customer:

Since the year began her habits changed, she was detached emotionally from me....I have been trying to get to the bottom of it, asking questions and trying to understand why all of the changes and increased privacy over her activities, because since she came back from a 2 week trip to Spain in Dec she had been acting differently towards me.

CoachJenK :

remind me...are you in couples counseling?

Customer:

I'm not crazy or suicidal

Customer:

Yes we are... we have had 2 sessions (4 hours total)

CoachJenK :

what about consistently???/

Customer:

we started counseling last month

Customer:

the last session was the day before she left

CoachJenK :

and does she talk of wanting to stay in or go separate ways?

Customer:

She talks of wanting stay

CoachJenK :

but her behavior says otherwise.

Customer:

YES

Customer:

she's unemployed....it feels like she's waiting to get a job so that she can leave

CoachJenK :

ok, all the focus on you now and healing your pain irrespective of her poor choices. got it???

Customer:

yes, I got it

CoachJenK :

you! focus on you!

Customer:

Everytime I lay down to sleep I keeping having conversations with her

Customer:

still trying to get answers

Customer:

how do I make that stop?

Customer:

or worse, I see her with this guy....kinda like "Eyes WIde Shut" with Tom Cruise

CoachJenK :

did we talk before about self hypnosis and relaxation cd's before you sleep?

Customer:

no

Customer:

i'm interested

CoachJenK :

ok lets have you go to www.stevegjones.com

Customer:

ok

CoachJenK :

he is excellent with a wonderful soothing voice and it will help you relax and sleep.

CoachJenK :

hes got tons of stuff for you

Customer:

on his site now

CoachJenK :

excellent!

Customer:

I see half a dozen gems that I have to have

CoachJenK :

lol. exactly. he is a gem. get one or two first or you will never get the headsets off.

Customer:

ok

CoachJenK :

you can listen to some samples so you can hear his voice

Customer:

Thank you...this beats the anti-anxiety meds I was looking in to

CoachJenK :

lets start there and let me know how it feels. Come back to me so we can follow up.

Customer:

will do, thank you so much!!

CoachJenK :

my pleasure always!!!!

CoachJenK :

you are a pleasure to work with.

Customer:

Have a great weekend!!

Customer:

Ditto!!

CoachJenK :

and you. do something fun for yourself too!

CoachJenK :

bye

Customer:

Absolutely!!

Customer:

bye

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1723
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
Coach Jen K. and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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