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Dr. L
Dr. L , Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1168
Experience:  Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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I have known this girl for 4 years but didnt get close till

Customer Question

I have known this girl for 4 years but didn't get close till about a year an a half ago.. I pursued her for about a 1 year and we got really close. I told her I could not take us being friends anymore and I went no contact for about 3 weeks than she wanted to give it a shot with me only if we take it slow, to which I agreed.

Its been almost 5 months and we have yet to be intimate. We make out and kiss like a normal couple but that Is it. I had a talk with her today and told her that my main goal with her was to get close but due to the fact that she has had a lot of * * * * ed up relationships, the last one the guy who she gave her V card to cheated on her than he ended up marrying and having a kid with the girl he cheated on her with. This happened almost 3 years ago and I believe it really messed her up on an emotional level. I told her I was getting frustrated with the pace in which the relationship was going because I'm ready to get intimate.. She told me that she's still trying to get used to us dating because we were friends for so long before and that she's having trouble with me being 29 and her 22. She also said she is scared to give to much because she might get hurt. I also believe she has a fear of intimacy due to her past relationships. I told her I thought she should go talk to someone about all of her intimacy problems. But I don't think she was down for that idea cause she think she would be crazy if she went and talked to someone. She says she is very attracted to me and wants to get intimate but she's having a hard time getting over that hump and that she needs more time.
I don't mind waiting until she is ready but I'm just really not sure she is ever going to be ready and we are just wasting each others time trying to make this work. I'm really letting this frustration get to me and I'm not sure what to do. I really don't want to play cat and mouse games or anything like that to get her to pursue and work for my attention but It looks like I might have too.

What should I do?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. L replied 4 years ago.

Dr Levang :

Hello,

Dr Levang :

I'd like to help you with your question.

Dr Levang :

I hear you when you say you don't want to play cat and mouse games. I also hear your frustration with waiting for her to get more comfortable in the relationship.

JACUSTOMER-j03fr8cr- :

Yes its very frustrating

JACUSTOMER-j03fr8cr- :

I don't mind waiting for her to be ready but i'm starting to have my doubts if she is ever going to be ready

Dr Levang :

If she is having this much difficulty being intimate with you - someone she has known for a long time and who she should have some trust in - then, Yes, she would likely benefit from individual therapy. I understand that she was hurt in her last relationship - but...if she is still stuck in that nightmare, then therapy is warranted. It seems that her attitude is that she would not feel comfortable talking to a therapist about sexual issues - is this right?

Dr Levang :

Yes... I agree....is she ever going to be ready...how long should you be the patient, loving, respectful guy?!!!! Certainly you deserve to have a better picture on that score.

JACUSTOMER-j03fr8cr- :

Not really sexual issues IMO more of letting a guy get close to her is the problem she has. I believe she's afraid of being hurt so she does not want to give herself to me

Dr Levang :

Yes...I understand the "guy get close"

Dr Levang :

It does seem possible that her fear of getting hurt is an issue.

Dr Levang :

But....and it's a big but...if she continues to push people away (in this case you) she risks finding and experiencing love.

Dr Levang :

And...so that is the dilemma. Does she continue to protect herself and spend her days lonely and unable to form a strong, intimate, and loving bond with a man...or does she give herself over to love and take the risk of being hurt. Only she can make that decision.

JACUSTOMER-j03fr8cr- :

Yes I have told her this

JACUSTOMER-j03fr8cr- :

Its gotten to the point where I'm thinking about ending it.

Dr Levang :

Meanwhile, you have to decide what you are willing to do. Do you take the risk that soon she will be able to wrestle her fears to the ground and allow herself to be intimate with you? Or, do you say...enough is enough and end the relationship?

Dr Levang :

Therapy will help her address her issues. And...the reality of therapy is that only the courageous come to therapy. People who do not want to change, who are willing to gut it out...don

Dr Levang :

don't seek help. Those who truly want to live a healthier more fulfilling live dig deep and find the courage to get help.

Dr Levang :

So...how to you feel about this girl? Is this someone you truly want a future with? Or....what?

Dr Levang :

Remember you have one, and only one, life to live. That means you have to stay in control of your life and make wise choices!

JACUSTOMER-j03fr8cr- :

Yes its someone I want a future with. But i've kind of hit a frustration faze and I don't know how much more I can take

Dr Levang :

Okay...is the bottom line that she breaks through her fear in X amount of weeks or months...or your done?

Dr Levang :

Or...would you be willing to hang in there if she were willing to go to therapy to work on her intimacy issues?

Dr Levang :

I think that either there needs to be a compromise that gives you hope or it's time to walk away....

Dr Levang :

what do you think?

JACUSTOMER-j03fr8cr- :

ya ive already told my self i would give her a month

JACUSTOMER-j03fr8cr- :

and yes i would be there if she talked to someone

Dr Levang :

Okay...so can you present that to her...can you say something like, "I want us to work on our lack of intimacy. If you go to therapy, I will support you in every way possible so that we can have a healthy sexual relationship. If you won't get help, then I need to move on."

Dr Levang :

What do yo thnk?

Dr Levang :

Hi,

Dr Levang :

I'm checking in to see if you have responded.

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