How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1778
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
64783947
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Coach Jen K. is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Before I start I just want to let you know that I am a 28 year

Customer Question

Before I start I just want to let you know that I am a 28 year old female who has never been in a serious relationship. I have dated several guys, but nothing ever progressed with any of them. The guy I am seeing just turned 30, and has been in at least one serious relationship that I know of.

I met him the night before Thanksgiving. We were both somewhat drunk. I gave him my number, but wasn’t really expecting anything to develop (considering the circumstances under which we met), we started texting, he asked me out. We went to a football game and had a great time. We have a lot in common, we make each other laugh, we're obviously physically attracted to each other. He told me later in the night that it was the best first date he had ever been on (and I agreed), and we even met up with some of his friends after the game. We made plans to see each other the next week.

For the entire week leading up to our next "date" he was really flirty with his texts, and when we hung out again it was just as good as the first time. One thing that does stand out from this second night was him saying that he liked me but was worried I was going to screw him over. I didn't think too much about it at the time, but now it makes more sense (more on that later). We continued texting for the weeks following, but he just never made a plan to see me again. Finally, I sent him a text asking if we were ever going to see each other again. He told me to come over to his place that weekend to watch a football game. Again, we had an amazing night together and he seemed genuinely interested.

A few more weeks go by, we text, and again he doesn't make a plan to hang out. I initiate it again. We went out, had a great time, and discussed what was going on between us. He said he didn't want to label anything and that he was afraid of being hurt. I know that he was in a pretty serious relationship in the past...he thought she was "the one." He didn't go into any more detail than that she screwed him over in some way. I met some more of his friends this night (all females, some of which are in relationships themselves). He even acted like we were together in front of them (even though he had just told me he didn't want to label anything)...kissing me in front of them, putting his arm around me, holding my hand, etc.

An entire month goes by after this before we see each other again, with texting in between. And once again, it was because I initiated it. This time I met up with him, and his sister ended up meeting us too (she was in town from out of state). His sister was really nice, we had good conversation, and he even kissed me in front of her. In fact, when we left he told her to wait at the bar/restaurant so he could walk me to my car (it was his birthday earlier in the week, and I had a gift for him). I made him a drawing and when he opened it he said it was one of the nicest things anyone had ever done for him and that he was going to frame it. He almost seemed on the verge of tears. He hugged me and we kissed some more. He told me to text him when I got home.

This was one week ago. I haven't heard from him at all since then. I know he was out of town for a couple of days, but I thought he could have at least sent me a text or something. I don't know what to make of it all. He has mentioned several times that he is tired of being lied to and hurt by people who he considers friends, and says that at some point, everyone whom he considers a friend hurts him in some way. We have sent a few facebook messages discussing this and I told him that I genuinely like him and that it's not fair for him to lump me in with these people who have hurt him. I don't know what else I can say or do to make him realize that I won't hurt him. I am as equally afraid of being hurt (isn't everyone?). I like him a lot. And when we are together it seems like he really likes me too. But when we are apart it's almost like he doesn't even care if he sees me again.

During the first few weeks after we met he was good at initiating text conversations and was flirty and seemed genuinely interested. Now, I initiate the majority of the texts and make the plans to see each other. Do you think he really is afraid of being hurt? Do you think I turned him off by trying to move things along? We have only seen each other 5 times in two months. I don't consider that moving too fast. We haven’t had sex yet. Do you think telling him how I feel caused him to back off? Do you think that he just isn't into me? Or is it something else? I have no idea what to do! I am waiting to see if he texts me because I don't want to be the one to initiate every conversation. I don't want to chase him if it's going to be a fruitless effort. As I mentioned earlier, it has been one week since the night I met his sister. I usually text him every couple of days, but I haven’t this time. Advice please! (Sorry for the length of this!)
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi Good evening.

CoachJenK :

Do not apologize for the length of your note...I was glad to get all of the information. After reading it you sound like a lovely young woman.

Customer:

Thank you!

CoachJenK :

From the sound of things I believe he genuinely likes you and is terribly afraid of the potential hurt. to answer your question aren't we all????

CoachJenK :

Yes we are to a degree but not all of us let that rule our responses to things which it seems like he is having an issue with.

CoachJenK :

He is keeping a wall up to protect himself but adly that will only confirm his worst fear...to be left and "screwed over"

Customer:

That's what I was thinking. How do I break down the wall?? Do I even want to try?

CoachJenK :

I loved it when you said that you dont want to be lumped in with the others that have hurt him. It seems like he needs the consistency of someone like you to get him over this space but it becomes a matter of you wanting to do that and possibly keep initiating.

CoachJenK :

you try to break it down if you really care for him and it sounds like you do.

CoachJenK :

how do you do it? Patience, understanding and a bit of hope.

Customer:

In one of his messages he said something along the lines of "I'm sorry you met me when you did. I'm a mess."

Customer:

This negative attitude started a couple of weeks before Valentine's Day. He hates Valentine's Day. I don't know if it has something to do with his ex or not, but his negativity around that time was unusual.

CoachJenK :

I am sure it does. And if he said Im a mess you can say something like even if you are a mess, I like you and am willing to help you though whatever has hurt you.

Customer:

I did say something along those lines. He said he has basically given up on people as a whole. I told him not to give up on me and that I am not giving up on him because I genuinely like him and we have a good time when we are together.

CoachJenK :

and what was his response to that? Because that was a lovely thing to say.

Customer:

He didn't respond to that message. It was quite a lengthy message on facebook that I sent after he gave me his spiel about being lied to and hurt by everyone. I sent him a text the next day to ask him if he had read it. He said he did. I asked if he had a response. He said "I hate my life. Simple as that. Please can we move on? I don't really care to talk about it."

Customer:

This was also around Valentine's Day.

CoachJenK :

Well, I am saddened to hear that because he has a wonderful woman in front of him that he could throw away if he doesnt get his stuff together.

CoachJenK :

I would hang on for a bit and be patient, kind and supportive and if he doesnt come around and you continue to have to initiate and it begins to feel more than you want to do you will make a decision at that point.

Customer:

Well, thank you! That's a nice thing to say. My friends have told me the same thing. A guy I work with also told me the same thing.

CoachJenK :

But i am not hearing you are there yet, so I think some more time in will do you good

Customer:

So you think I should text him again, instead of waiting?

CoachJenK :

I speak my truth...no fluff in my words. I can really get a sense of you.

CoachJenK :

How long since no contact?

Customer:

One week...the longest break in contact since we have been seeing each other. I usually cave after 3 or 4 days haha.

CoachJenK :

lol. ok so do you want to cave?

Customer:

I don't know. I know I want to see him and I really want this to work out. I do think we could have something special. I just don't know what else I can possibly do to make him realize that, or if he does realize it, to make him act on it too.

Customer:

I also don't want to drive him away by texting too much.

CoachJenK :

yes you cant make him realize it...if his stuff isn't worked out he wont be able to move forward. But if you leave before you really give it your all you wont be happy either.

CoachJenK :

So what would you say in your text?

Customer:

I haven't really thought about what I would say. Maybe ask him how his trip was and then go from there

CoachJenK :

ok so how about...how was your trip? would love to get together and catch up.

Customer:

It would be nice to talk to him on the phone from time to time, but he said he hates talking on the phone and doesn't really talk to anyone on the phone

Customer:

That sounds good.

CoachJenK :

and we are sure he isnt seeing anyone else?

CoachJenK :

is the ex trying to get back with him?

Customer:

I really don't think so. The reason I say this is because he has taken me out to meet his friends, and treats me like we are in a relationship in front of them. I don't know much about the ex, but I'm pretty sure it was years ago that they were together. It wasn't recent

CoachJenK :

ok good. then I just think his past hurts are getting in his way. Reach out...what have you got to lose?

Customer:

He does have a lot of female friends, but I do believe him when he says they are just that. Several of them are in relationships. But he as also mentioned how some of his close female "friends" have lied to him and hurt him too.

Customer:

I just think he has a bad impression of females.

CoachJenK :

he needs to have some more lightness for sure

Customer:

I really think I could be what he needs. It's getting him to trust that I won't hurt him that is the hard part.

Customer:

Another problem is that I risk being hurt if I keep putting myself out there and it doesn't work in the end. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, and it has gotten me hurt in the past.

CoachJenK :

yes and at some point we all need to take a leap of faith. you sound terrific and you deserve that to come back to you too.

Customer:

Thank you.

CoachJenK :

yes that is part of the risk too which is why I said you do it until you feel you are not getting what you need in return

CoachJenK :

at some point hes gotta step up to the plate and take a chance

Customer:

I don't think I have reached that point yet. I do think there is part of him that sees the potential in this. He wouldn't keep agreeing to hang out if this weren't true, right?

CoachJenK :

agreed.

Customer:

We have only seen each other 5 times in two months. It's still fairly new.

CoachJenK :

yes. so keep being you and hopefully he can learn to trust again.

CoachJenK :

dont sell yourself short at any point.

Customer:

I just want to get to the point where he feels comfortable initiating again. He was the one that initiated this in the beginning!

CoachJenK :

my guess is once he realized he had feelings he got scared an dpulled back

CoachJenK :

give it some time. nurture the time and see how it goes

Customer:

I was thinking that too. That's when he started giving me the mixed signals. Saying one thing (that he doesn't want to label it) and acting a different way (like we are in a relationship)

CoachJenK :

right...and meeting friends and sister.

Customer:

Exactly!

CoachJenK :

exactly!!!!!

CoachJenK :

:-)

Customer:

Maybe his sister didn't like me or something? I don't really know.

CoachJenK :

oh please...you said it went well and you had nice conversation

Customer:

That didn't seem to be the case, but who knows.

CoachJenK :

stay strong and caring

Customer:

I'm generally very easy to get along with

CoachJenK :

seems it

Customer:

He just got back into town today. How long do you think I should wait before I text him?

CoachJenK :

not today then! tomorrow. I woudl say the next day but I know you cant wait so I am good with tomorrow afternoon

Customer:

Ok.

Customer:

I could probably wait until saturday. I've already waited this long!

CoachJenK :

either one is fine, really.

Customer:

Ok. I'm sure I'll break down and do it tomorrow. I know me.

CoachJenK :

seems like i know you too. :-)

Customer:

You seem to!

CoachJenK :

I listen!

CoachJenK :

will you keep me posted and let me know how it all goes?

Customer:

That's why I decided to do this. I get advice from my friends, but they all have different opinions. I think it was good for me to get the opinion from someone who doesn't know me personally

CoachJenK :

I am glad.

CoachJenK :

I hope I helped.

Customer:

Yes. How do I stay in touch with you?

Customer:

You did! Thank you!

CoachJenK :

to request me again you list a new question and write at the beginning for CoachJenK only.

Customer:

ok.

CoachJenK :

if you found our time together helpful please click accept and provide feedback for me too.

CoachJenK :

I am here for you if you need more support

Customer:

Will do! Thanks again!

CoachJenK :

my pleasure. Best of luck. I am rooting for you. Let me know.

Customer:

Thank you! I really want this to work out!

CoachJenK :

me too.

Customer:

Thanks. Have a good night!

CoachJenK :

you too. Relax and enjoy yourself.

Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1778
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
Coach Jen K. and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
For CoachJenK.

I chatted with you about a month ago about this guy I have been seeing who I really like and who I was having difficulty understanding. I did text him the day after we spoke to see how his trip was and that we should get together again soon. We ended up seeing each other that Friday (or maybe it was the following Friday). I met up with him, his sister, some of her friends, and his best friend (who happens to be a female). It was a little awkward at first. His friend didn't really talk to me, but he still acted the way he has been in front of his friends...kissing me and touching me. I ended up having a lot of fun later in the night dancing with him. He walked me back to my car, we held hands, and kissed some more. I told him that my birthday was at the end of March and that he should come out for it. He agreed and told me to let him know the plan.

My birthday was on March 30th. I told him two weeks in advance what the plan was (dinner at 8 and then out for drinks). He said he would "probably be around." So the day of my birthday he didn't even text me to say happy birthday. He only posted on my facebook wall. I ended up texting him a little later to see if he was still going to meet up. He said he wouldn't be able to make dinner because he had to work late. I asked if he would meet up after dinner then and he said "that's the plan as of now." So during dinner I texted him to let him know where we were going next. He never responded. I just let it go because I didn't want to let it ruin my night. But I did completely delete him from my phone a while later so I wouldn't say something I would regret, and also so I wouldn't be tempted to keep texting him.

The next day in the afternoon I sent him a facebook message and said "did you get my text last night?" He responded several hours later and said "yea....i got home from work laid down for a quick nap and ended up falling asleep..i wouldnt have been much fun anyway..i had to work this morning so i couldnt even drink."

Now, I have a couple of problems with this. First of all, he could have responded to my text when he got it...even if it was the next day, and said "sorry, I just got your text. I fell asleep when I got home." The second problem is I am fairly certain he was lying about falling asleep because right around the time I sent the text he was posting things on facebook (I know, facebook is evil, haha). And finally, I wouldn't have cared if he didn't drink, I just wanted to see him and for him to meet my friends. I don't like how he implied that he is only fun when he drinks.

I was really looking forward to seeing him again. And I really want him to meet my friends. This would have been the first time he met any of my friends. As I told you last time, I've already met several of his. I think I'm starting to reach the point where I'm just going to have to move on. I feel like I'm being strung along, and that he isn't as into me as I am into him. It really hurts too, because I honestly believe we could have something great. I think he is making a big mistake by pushing me away and not putting any effort in to see me. I still don't understand why he acts so into me when we are together...even in front of his friends! But when we are apart he doesn't call or text. I DON'T GET IT!
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
You can view this answer by clicking here to Register or Login and paying $3.
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
That's what I am planning on doing. I think it's good that I have no way of communicating with him via phone. I'm not going to delete him from FB though. I think that sends the wrong message. For now, I am done initiating everything. I can't be so available. If he really is into me he will reach out, as you said. If he doesn't, then I move on, as difficult as it may be. I think I'll be fine with not talking to him on FB. We don't do it that much anyway.
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
You can view this answer by clicking here to Register or Login and paying $3.
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
So I went against my better judgment, and your advice, and I ended up sending him another message on facebook. :-( I just told him that I was hurt because he doesn't seem to want this to go anywhere and that I hope he finds whatever it is he is looking for. He didn't respond, so I sent another message that simply said "what are you thinking?" Here was his response:

"what im thinking?.....you dont want to know what im thinking......im thinking im sorry, .....sorry for missing your bday....sorry for eating that handful of cheetos that just caused me to run 3 miles through the freaking N shore at nite.....im sorry i have to hope that kentucky covers the spread so i can afford to pay my rent thursday.....im sorry my shitty life and my shitty problems crossed your path.....im sorry for you, im sorry you had to meet such an asshole.....but its ok the "kevin is an asshole" line is pretty long so feel free to get in it"

I really need some advice on this. This is some heavy stuff. I have no idea where this negativity comes from. We have never had the chance to discuss it, and he does not act like this AT ALL when we are together. We haven't been out alone together in quite some time. I don't know if I should use this message as another reason to move on, or if I should try to talk to him about it. I feel like he is trying to push me away or something or have pity on him, but I don't know why he would say something like this because we haven't been alone together to discuss it. I'm not sure if he would even want to discuss it, but I feel like I should try to get to the root of the problem here. I have told him a few times that if he is not interested in seeing me anymore, to just tell me. He hasn't told me that yet, so I don't know what to do. What do you think?
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
You can view this answer by clicking here to Register or Login and paying $3.
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
(I accepted and left a tip, but it said something was wrong with the site, so I'm not sure if it went through or not!)

I did respond to him before you suggested what I should say. I just told him I was confused because he acts so differently when we are together than when we are apart. I told him to not to try and push me away with this negativity and that if he isn't interested in seeing me to just tell me. I said I was getting mixed signals from him, that he knows I like him and if the feeling is mutual to not try to ignore it or run from it. I said I could be exactly what he needs. I asked him if wanted to go out again. He never did address anything I said in this second message, but he did text me and ask me what I was doing for opening day (baseball today). I told him I had to work. I asked him what he was doing this Friday and he said his friend from Texas will be in town, as well as his sister. He did not invite me out (I already have plans, but still, he didn't ask me to meet up). I asked what he was doing next Friday and he said he isn't making plans until they release the hockey playoff schedule, because he has tickets for the home games.

That was the last time we "talked" and it was this past Tuesday. Now I know I REALLY need to sit back and wait for him to reach out to me. I've done pretty much all that I can in that regard. I have put it all out there. He knows I like him. He knows I am confused. He knows I want to see him again. He has to make it happen this time.

I understand what you mean about making a decision regarding whether or not I want to be with someone who clearly has some emotional and psychological issues going on. Are they permanent? That I do not know. He could be exaggerating the extent to which he thinks his life is "shitty." I don't really know him well enough yet to figure this out. Part of me thinks there may be something deep inside of him that knows we could have something great, and that truly does like me, and wants this to work. But he needs to get over whatever it is that's bringing out this negativity before he can accept the fact that I care about him and want to be with him. The OTHER part of me is thinking that I just need to move on and not be clouded by how much I like him. I need to step back and put things in perspective.

I am definitely physically attracted to him. He has a great sense of humor that is similar to mine (which is very important to me), he is athletic (I like to play/watch sports too), and he is very chivalrous (he opens doors, even car doors, he walks on the sidewalk closest to the street when we are holding hands, he helps me put my coat on, etc. I like how affectionate he is when we are out, not too over the top, but enough to let me know that he is interested (or at least seems interested!)

On the negative side is the fact that he doesn't initiate anything anymore, he gives me these negative responses when I try to reach out, and he always seems to have an excuse when I invite him out with my friends (none of whom he has met yet). I'm still at a loss as to what changed between us, or with him, that has caused all of this confusion for me. Like I have said previously, the first few weeks were great, there was no negativity from him, he texted a lot, and acted excited to see me again. I can't explain what went wrong! The only explanations I can think of are A) he really is afraid of being hurt or B) I said or did something that turned him off. I'm not sure.

So, I have decided that while I'm waiting for him to reach out (which, let's be honest, may never happen) I'm going to keep my options open and try to take my mind off of him by going out and meeting new people. There is always the chance that we run into each other too, since we hang out at the same places sometimes.

Thanks for "listening," and for all of your useful feedback! I really appreciate it. I know I can get kind of wordy, but I just have a lot to say! haha.
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
You can view this answer by clicking here to Register or Login and paying $3.
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
 
 
 

Related Relationship Questions

Chat Now With A Counselor
Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K.
Counselor
1778 Satisfied Customers
Providing the Utmost Care and Support