Hi Good evening.
Do not apologize for the length of your note...I was glad to get all of the information. After reading it you sound like a lovely young woman.
From the sound of things I believe he genuinely likes you and is terribly afraid of the potential hurt. to answer your question aren't we all????
Yes we are to a degree but not all of us let that rule our responses to things which it seems like he is having an issue with.
He is keeping a wall up to protect himself but adly that will only confirm his worst fear...to be left and "screwed over"
That's what I was thinking. How do I break down the wall?? Do I even want to try?
I loved it when you said that you dont want to be lumped in with the others that have hurt him. It seems like he needs the consistency of someone like you to get him over this space but it becomes a matter of you wanting to do that and possibly keep initiating.
you try to break it down if you really care for him and it sounds like you do.
how do you do it? Patience, understanding and a bit of hope.
In one of his messages he said something along the lines of "I'm sorry you met me when you did. I'm a mess."
This negative attitude started a couple of weeks before Valentine's Day. He hates Valentine's Day. I don't know if it has something to do with his ex or not, but his negativity around that time was unusual.
I am sure it does. And if he said Im a mess you can say something like even if you are a mess, I like you and am willing to help you though whatever has hurt you.
I did say something along those lines. He said he has basically given up on people as a whole. I told him not to give up on me and that I am not giving up on him because I genuinely like him and we have a good time when we are together.
and what was his response to that? Because that was a lovely thing to say.
He didn't respond to that message. It was quite a lengthy message on facebook that I sent after he gave me his spiel about being lied to and hurt by everyone. I sent him a text the next day to ask him if he had read it. He said he did. I asked if he had a response. He said "I hate my life. Simple as that. Please can we move on? I don't really care to talk about it."
This was also around Valentine's Day.
Well, I am saddened to hear that because he has a wonderful woman in front of him that he could throw away if he doesnt get his stuff together.
I would hang on for a bit and be patient, kind and supportive and if he doesnt come around and you continue to have to initiate and it begins to feel more than you want to do you will make a decision at that point.
Well, thank you! That's a nice thing to say. My friends have told me the same thing. A guy I work with also told me the same thing.
But i am not hearing you are there yet, so I think some more time in will do you good
So you think I should text him again, instead of waiting?
I speak my truth...no fluff in my words. I can really get a sense of you.
How long since no contact?
One week...the longest break in contact since we have been seeing each other. I usually cave after 3 or 4 days haha.
lol. ok so do you want to cave?
I don't know. I know I want to see him and I really want this to work out. I do think we could have something special. I just don't know what else I can possibly do to make him realize that, or if he does realize it, to make him act on it too.
I also don't want to drive him away by texting too much.
yes you cant make him realize it...if his stuff isn't worked out he wont be able to move forward. But if you leave before you really give it your all you wont be happy either.
So what would you say in your text?
I haven't really thought about what I would say. Maybe ask him how his trip was and then go from there
ok so how about...how was your trip? would love to get together and catch up.
It would be nice to talk to him on the phone from time to time, but he said he hates talking on the phone and doesn't really talk to anyone on the phone
That sounds good.
and we are sure he isnt seeing anyone else?
is the ex trying to get back with him?
I really don't think so. The reason I say this is because he has taken me out to meet his friends, and treats me like we are in a relationship in front of them. I don't know much about the ex, but I'm pretty sure it was years ago that they were together. It wasn't recent
ok good. then I just think his past hurts are getting in his way. Reach out...what have you got to lose?
He does have a lot of female friends, but I do believe him when he says they are just that. Several of them are in relationships. But he as also mentioned how some of his close female "friends" have lied to him and hurt him too.
I just think he has a bad impression of females.
he needs to have some more lightness for sure
I really think I could be what he needs. It's getting him to trust that I won't hurt him that is the hard part.
Another problem is that I risk being hurt if I keep putting myself out there and it doesn't work in the end. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, and it has gotten me hurt in the past.
yes and at some point we all need to take a leap of faith. you sound terrific and you deserve that to come back to you too.
yes that is part of the risk too which is why I said you do it until you feel you are not getting what you need in return
at some point hes gotta step up to the plate and take a chance
I don't think I have reached that point yet. I do think there is part of him that sees the potential in this. He wouldn't keep agreeing to hang out if this weren't true, right?
We have only seen each other 5 times in two months. It's still fairly new.
yes. so keep being you and hopefully he can learn to trust again.
dont sell yourself short at any point.
I just want to get to the point where he feels comfortable initiating again. He was the one that initiated this in the beginning!
my guess is once he realized he had feelings he got scared an dpulled back
give it some time. nurture the time and see how it goes
I was thinking that too. That's when he started giving me the mixed signals. Saying one thing (that he doesn't want to label it) and acting a different way (like we are in a relationship)
right...and meeting friends and sister.
Maybe his sister didn't like me or something? I don't really know.
oh please...you said it went well and you had nice conversation
That didn't seem to be the case, but who knows.
stay strong and caring
I'm generally very easy to get along with
He just got back into town today. How long do you think I should wait before I text him?
not today then! tomorrow. I woudl say the next day but I know you cant wait so I am good with tomorrow afternoon
I could probably wait until saturday. I've already waited this long!
either one is fine, really.
Ok. I'm sure I'll break down and do it tomorrow. I know me.
seems like i know you too. :-)
You seem to!
will you keep me posted and let me know how it all goes?
That's why I decided to do this. I get advice from my friends, but they all have different opinions. I think it was good for me to get the opinion from someone who doesn't know me personally
I am glad.
I hope I helped.
Yes. How do I stay in touch with you?
You did! Thank you!
to request me again you list a new question and write at the beginning for CoachJenK only.
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I am here for you if you need more support
Will do! Thanks again!
my pleasure. Best of luck. I am rooting for you. Let me know.
Thank you! I really want this to work out!
Thanks. Have a good night!
you too. Relax and enjoy yourself.