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Dr-A-Green
Dr-A-Green, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 190
Experience:  Clinical and Forensic Psychologist
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After two years of living together, my boyfriend and I recently

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After two years of living together, my boyfriend and I recently decided we want to move forward and buy a house. Although the actual "move forward" phrase was not used, we both know this is what this step means. Since I realized that this is something LONG term, I've been more wary so to speak about everything he does and how to sort of assure myself that I am not in the wrong page of the book. A few days ago, I made a bad decision to check his phone while he wasn't around, and in his internet history I found a few searches for adult sites and even some clips viewed. Now, this is upsetting me more than I would like partly because we are very intimate and open and sexually active and I don't see why he wouldn't want to tell me about it, partly because I don't know how long he's being doing it for and partly because of the specific racial searches performed. These weren't just searches for adult sites and whatever comes up... these were searches for specific types of women. Then, to see if he would be honest about it, I told him that I had gotten a notice from our internet company saying that there was an unusual activity going on and they wanted to make sure that my internet was not being viewed by an unknown. Sort of to see if he would confess... but he didn't. Instead, he stayed quiet for a minute and said that he wasn't viewing "any of that stuff" and it bothered me even more...I sort feel deceived that he would be confronted and think that he couldn't me...why??? Now, everything is really bothering me, even his extended, time consuming trips to the bathroom. but how do I bring it up that I know about it when I myself should feel that he's being deceived by me by prying with his phone. Although, I don't know as to the negative level to our relationship I should view this issue, we are both very happy with each other, and understand and support each other very much.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr-A-Green replied 2 years ago.
First of all, I would want to know why you want to bring it up. What is the purpose of bringing it up with him?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I want to bring it up to him, because I want to sort of understand why:

1- He needs to view/search this (specific type) is there more to it? Is there something that he's not finding in me... can I help it?
2- Why deny it instead of trying to introduce it?
3-I guess it's also the feeling of knowing that he's doing this instead of knowing he's lying about it. I would much rather know because I know that I would much more accept it that way, than accept that he's trying to cover it up. That's what's bothering me. I can't move forward with someone whom I'm going to feel that is keeping things from me.
Expert:  Dr-A-Green replied 2 years ago.

Gotchya - The reason I wanted to clarify is because if it is just a case of it causing some insecurity, you might be able to work with it on your end (without asking him). It's very much within the normal spectrum for men to view some pornography and it doesn't at all mean that they are dissatisfied with their relationship.

And, I can see why he would deny it. I don't believe it is necessarily that he's keeping something deep and dark from you, but probably more of a function of being embarrassed. Pornography and masturbation are very personal and having someone confront you about it would probably feel a little mortifying. His first impulse was likely to lie about it because he was skittish and wasn't sure how you would react.

Additionally, lying about one's masturbation habits does not necessarily generalize into other areas of their lives. I personally think that it might be a bit unfair to say that you wouldn't be able to trust him if he doesn't talk about this. Do you discuss every fantasy you've ever had about other men? - This is similar.

 

Regardless, if you still feel like approaching him about it, I would suggest bringing a fantasy of yours to him and asking him to look/participate with you. Then, after he has seen that you aren't against the idea of fantasy/porn, ask him what turns him on.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
So, I shouldn't take from this that him being specific about his pornography searches translates to his needs in real sexual/physical circumstances?
I have sort of suggested small fantasies, but he chooses to sort of dodge them or make a small joke about them and we move on because at some level we both stop on topics where we might seem pushy. Then, it continues to bother me that he dodges new intimate things (and I throw them to the deep end) but he's "oh so willing" to search for specific kinds of pornography. I also considered the idea that it's possible I'm over-reacting to things as a sign that I might be freaking out a bit about such a big commitment as buying a home...
Expert:  Dr-A-Green replied 2 years ago.

Buying a home is a big deal! That would freak anyone out a little! Also, when you start to realize all the little things your partner does that you were previously unaware of - that's a little weird too. It will probably take a while to adjust and to realize that you and he are the same people you were before - there are just more facets.

 

As for the pornography searches and relating to real life - don't sweat it. His searches probably don't translate at all to what he actually wants (that's why they're fantasies). If he's buying a home with you, I can pretty much assure you that what he wants is you. In fact, you sound like a great girlfriend and he's probably very happy overall. A lot of pornography viewing is curiosity of the unknown, but it doesn't mean that the viewer wants to try it! Introducing new little things into your love life and encouraging the sharing of fantasies may bring more of it out into the open in time. Then again, it may not. He may always harbor a secret fantasy about x,y, or z. But that in no way means he wants to act on it. Also, I suspect that you may have a fantasy or two that you don't want to share, but that you like to think about from time to time - men are often just more visual.

Does this help or comfort you at all?

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Yes, it does help. Thank you! I guess at some level I had told myself some of these things but it feels like I needed someone with better understanding of things to tell me that. It appears I have some small insecurity issues to work on myself as well as getting over this freak feeling of moving to something bigger. Thank you again!
Expert:  Dr-A-Green replied 2 years ago.
You're very welcome & enjoy your new home! :)
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you! I hope you're right and it's just mere curiousity...but what if....

I'm looking forward to it...we picked it out already! I can see a lot of pretty things.
Expert:  Dr-A-Green replied 2 years ago.
Lol - no what if's! At least not until you're moved in, settled, and have a chance to breathe. Enjoy the process. It will be great!
Dr-A-Green, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 190
Experience: Clinical and Forensic Psychologist
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