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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I would like some advice on relationships. I am 26. Its the

Customer Question

I would like some advice on relationships. I am 26.
It's the old cliche, I think am in love with a girl. She has a boyfriend which she won't disconnect from, she's unhappy. She's my friend and we talked about it too much, and she admits that she wants him to "butt off" her life but she doesnt have the strength to brake up with him so she waits for him to do it. Yeah, sounds weird, I know.
Weirdest thing is that I have feelings for her. Story goes like this, we met a year ago, she is a friend of a friend, we hang out playing RPGs and going to the movies, mostly with friends, and not alone.
I liked her from the first time I saw her, yes I know; another cliche.
You'd say: why dont you ask her directly, or, why dont you ask her for a date?
See the problem is that I am a SHE too.
No, it's not a phase, I am well aware I am gay and even not entirely openly gay, I really embrace it and have no problem with it.
I made a promise to myself not to let her know my feelings for her and not even try to say to her what I feel. Why? Because straight girls for me is a mess. I always glanced in her eyes, and she did too; like curiocity, or interest I dont really know. We stayed sometimes there just looking in eachother eyes until me or she smiled and return to the others.
But since November, we hanged out once or twice alone, drank coffee, played games and been open to each other. We had some serious talks, something that we never do when other friends are there, and there you go, I fell for her entirely.
I still said inside my head NOT to bother.
I went really excited to a randez vous with 2 more friends and her, and as women, we always kiss chicks; that day I almost kissed her lips but I realised it and quickly went to her chick and kissed her. She was a bit shocked? She opened her eyes looking at me without any bad emotion, mostly surprise. I tried to hid it.
Same afternoon, many friends came over our table, we were 7 people, and I changed my seat to be in front of her. Her bf was there too. Then she asked me to share a story because I always say stories in a funny way and she always said she liked it. So as I leaned forward and started talking, I felt my hand touching hers and I dont know who did it first but under the table we had our hands crossed after we caressed eachother with our thumbs. When this happened I looked at her -still narrating- and her eyes went totaly INTO my eyes.
Some days later, in a bar, me, she, her best friend and her bf were having fun, started talking and then I said to her "are you sure about that" and we were 5 or 8 inches away from eachother, she said "yeah I am sure" so I said okay staring at her and then she took my cheecks in her hands, looked at me, and kissed my nose saying "I could eat you anytime; all of you".
SAME night, we split to go to another bar and she and her bf went first, ordered and then we waited for our order some time. So, she gave me her glass of wine to drink, but I didnt take it, I drunk from it directly while she was holding it.
And when the night ended, we hugged tightly, I said in her ear "I need to see you", she replied instantly "Me too", and she left.
By that time, I was sure this was going to be the best love story ever. And I said these things because inside me she was open to me and I am sure she was attracted. I know the basics of human behavior.
But her best friend said that she would never do something with another woman, etc. And now, this girl is thick as ice.
Like it was a little secret that cannot be fulfilled now or ever.
She isnt like this anymore, though we stare at eachother etc but not with the intimacy I experienced in Nov-Dec 2011.
And now, I am scared, I wonder why she changed; even her hugs doesnt feel the same.
Did I do something wrong?
Did she thinks SHE did?
Because that's how it feels.
I just need an opinion; and how to be from now on. My brain says to forget her, but I always see her in my dreams.
Should I tell her?
Her best friend thinks she's stressed for this kind of things right now and we shouldnt stress her with cr@p.
Thank you.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 2 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

This is a love story just like any other. Sexual orientation is almost irrelevant, exept tor the terrible strain that it puts on people who are terrified to step outside the acceptale boundaries of proprietry.

Your description of the situation was quite clear and so well written that it gave me a clear understanding of the situation from your point of view. It was your version ut was a very objective one.

I don't think that you should be using her "best friend" as an intermediary, for this person has her own agenda, and that might be to eliminate you from the picture.

Her body language back in November was clearly romantic and almost sexual, but now she is no longer projecting these feelings. I believe that something, perhaps her "conscience" or another person, has "set her straight" and she is operating on her fears and not on her heart.

It is not time to give up or be totally discouraged, Rather, it is time to modify and temper your approach. Right now her guard is up. You need to very carefully disarm her and get back to a more free-flowing approach. The next time, if there is a next time, that you get these strong signals is the time to make intentions or feelings clearer, not necessarily with words, but with body language. Choose your opportunities carefully and wait until things seem right. Don't pass up an opportunity, however.

In short, I believe that this story is not yet over, and I wish you great success.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I believe this too, that someone might told her something to hold her back. I don't know what will I do.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 2 years ago.
Dear friend,

I'm glad we see things the same way. The person who talked to her is just one person with limited power. That is all the more reason to hang in there, and hold back until you can get her to open up again. With restraint and open kindness you will open her heart again. She has just been made to be afaid. People get over their fears.

I wish you the courage to persevere and I hope that this beautiful romnatic story has a happy ending to both of you.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I really hope it too, and I am happy for thinking the same way; I hope I will find some strength to make her comfortable again.
Have a great day/night and thank you from my heart.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 2 years ago.
Thank you. My heartfelt wishes are with you.

Elliott

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