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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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I have been married for almost two years and I have recently

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I have been married for almost two years and I have recently separated from my husband because he has lied to me several times. We do not have children. My husband says I have blown the most recent lie he told out of proportion. He says his main motivation for lying is that he doesn't want to upset me. Below is a list of the lies he has told me. Please read them and let me know if you think I have somewhat overreacted by moving out and deciding to live on my own until I can figure out if this marriage should continue. Also, do you think it is a good idea to hold on to a marriage with these things in mind?
1. He told me after I moved in with him about the mountainous debts that he needed to repay. He knew I did not like debt, but he never told me about his own debt until after we were engaged and living together. Since that time, I have helped him pay the vast majority of his debts. 2. He lied and said he was NOT on a website created for people who are in relationships but want to have one night stands. I found out that he was on the website by looking at his history on the computer. He created a fake profile, but quickly deleted after He realized that I knew what he was doing. 3.He went to a different state than where we live and met up with some female friends from high school, but told me he was going back to his hotel room to go to bed. When I found out about this I asked him about it and he said he did not want to tell me about it because he knew I would get upset because they were females. 4.He decided to make a promise to cut off all communication with a guy friend of his whom he said was a bad influence. This is a friend that he says made him aware of the confidential affair website and told him to check it out. I was shocked that he suggested that he would not speak to this friend because this is someone he has known for years. So a few months went by and I asked my husband how his friend was reacting to him now that he has stopped all communication. He told me that he hasn't spoken to him. I told him I thought he was lying because he always speaks to this particular friend. That is when my husband became belligerent and said that he did not appreciate being called a liar. Then he stormed out of the house. He later came back and apologized and admitted to continuing to speak to this friend. The last lie he told me that caused me to leave was that he took out a personal loan and used collateral that I paid off to help him get the loan. He said he used the loan for gifts and travel cash and he fully intended to pay it back so he saw no reason to tell me Bout it. He says going forward he will tell me everything and that he is heartbroken and wishes that I would realize that this last lie is not a lie like the others he has told. Also, we were in marriage counseling for several months before this most recent lie that he told me about the loan. My husband wants to go back to marriage counseling to rebuild the trust, but I just don't think that he can stop lying...I was thinking I would stay married, but just keep all of my money, income and other assets separate until I can trust him again. But, part of me just wants to be done with this because it is exhausting to worry that he won't be able to tell me the truth in the future or even worse that he will get better at hiding the truth. He says he has learned his lesson and that he will not lie anymore. He says he is a changed man, but after so many lies, how can I know what is best for me?

a website that encourages people in a relationship to have affairs with one another. I caught him in the lie by viewing his history on our website.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
I think you are completely right. You gave him many chances. I do not see the lies that he said you blown out of proportion to be little white innocent lies. I see them as major lies. Going on a dating site to for married couples to meet people..NO WAY..that is not acceptable at all. Also, about the money if you both handle your own money and have a prenup then that is fine, but if not then as a couple you share the money. He can not just spend money and take out loans. He needs to consult you. It is not about asking you for permission, but it is about communicating and planning your money as a couple. Also, the issue here is not just the fact that he was not honest, which is a major issue because you can not trust him, but also because he was planning to be unfaithful and spending money the way he planned without consulting you, which was inconsiderate. I can certainly understand how you can be frustrated with him and be worrried about the next lie. He really needs to get help and prove that he has changed just telling you at this point is just not enough. I think that you did the right thing and did not overact at all. Maybe he will see you are serious and change for real this time. I wish you all the best!
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for responding. I am going to continue living on my own and give myself the time needed to decide if it is time to end the marriage. I wish this were more clear for me and that I did not struggle with the decision so much. But, I love him still so it has been a challenge for me. My husband appears to be genuinely sorry for his behavior, and says he completely understands what he has done and says he to blame for it. But, the fact that he does not equate his last lie with all the others is worrisome. A lie is a lie to me, but he says he just did not see the need to tell me about the loan. I told him it would not be a big deal if this were the first time he lied, but the lie about the loan is coming after a history of lies and this is why I chose to move out. He claims he can see my point of view, but he is 40 years old and I just don't know if he can truly change at this time in his life and more importantly if I would be a fool for giving him yet another chance. I went to see his therapist who is also the marriage counselor we saw for seven months. She seems to think that he is not a compulsive liar but that he lies because he simply does not want to upset me. Hiw do you know when it is time to move on?
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.

I understand how it is difficult for you to make the decision and you still love him. That is understandable. I think you should not take him back right away, but you should keep in contact with him and work on your marriage. I think you are on the right track with speaking to his therapist and going to counseling together. If he is lying cause he does not want to upset you then try explaining to him that you will rather him be open with you and work out the issue instead of lying since that will only make it worse. To be honest with you sometimes people lie because they do not want to hurt the others feelings, but that is more like for example if you made dinner and he did not like it he tells a lie that either it was good, so he does not hurt you or he avoids the answer and instead of lying he says "Thank you so much for cooking. That was wonderful of you" That way you do not lie nor hurt the person, but from what I see is the types of lies he is doing is more to protect himself from having trouble with you, so he can do what he wants and not because he does not want to hurt you. If he wanted to do the loan he should have spoke to you about it, so you both can make a wise decision together. Also, the fact that he was on a dating site. In general if he does not want to hurt you he should not lie, but rather he should avoid doing the acts that will hurt you. It is hard for you, but I think that your head is in the right place and you are in the right direction. Communicating with him, letting him show you he has changed for real, speaking with his therapist, and going to counseling together are all the things that will help your relationship and his issues. He needs to get help not only for his lying, but also the things he is doing because some of the things he is lying about are problems as well. When he shows you through actions he has changed and he will be honest and communicate with you then I think you should get back with him. Doing what you did will show him you are serious about this and hopefully that will give him the wake up call. I do not think you are a fool to give him another chance, but I think you should not rush it and you should be careful as well as take the necessary steps I mentioned. You will know when it is time to move on. That is when you tried all your options, you are fed up and done your part 200%. You will then know and feel it. I hope this has helped more and again I hope it all works out for you both and I wish you all the best!

Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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