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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1773
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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I have been married for five and half years now, she asked

Resolved Question:

I have been married for five and half years now, she asked me what I wanted from the marriage. I told her that I have always wanted a family, a son or daughter of my own or adopt. Well since we have been married she has found out she has a blood disorder called MTHFR and has been diagnosed with MS, we are both 42. I know that she cannot have children now and she doesn't want anything to do with adoption, so am I being selffish in still wanting children. I love her but I'm afraid that I will resent her because we have no children and I foresee conflicts because of it. I think it might be time to go our seperate ways before it becomes a constant fight.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi good evening.

Customer:

Good evening

CoachJenK :

You are in a difficult situation and i feel for you. what has been the tenor of these conversations since her diagnosis? Has she stated definitely that children are out of hte question?

Customer:

Yes that has come up a couple of times, back in July I had finally had enough of her stuff and told her I wanted a divorce, she changed her mind on the children option and got pregnant

Customer:

i think it was her way of trying to keep me in the marrige and yes it worked

Customer:

but she has lost the baby and I'm not sure where this is going to go now

CoachJenK :

I am sorry to hear that.

Customer:

I want a family and I know that she really doesn't

CoachJenK :

Ok here are some initial thoughts of mine.

Customer:

I can tell by her reaction when her nephew is around

CoachJenK :

you are not being selfish to still want children. But It soundslike your issues in the marriage are longer standing than just this child issue?

Customer:

like?

CoachJenK :

that the marriage may not have been too solid/

Customer:

i think your right, she likes to make all the decisions on her own and not discuss anything with me, like money or whatever, she quit her job in July and didn't discuss it with me just sent me a text message what she had done

Customer:

the house we have well i should say she has because she bought the house before we got married so my name isn't on the deed, i just pay the morgage now because she doesnt work

CoachJenK :

wow. I can understand how difficult that is. There are 3 things that need attention in any relationship...each individual and the relationship itself. If any of the needs of each part aren't being met then there are going to be issues and it sounds like by what you are telling me that you are left out and your needs fall by the wayside. How do her illnesses play a role in all of this for you?

Customer:

im almost afraid to tell her she is going to have to find a job because she will just say she cant do anything because of the MS

CoachJenK :

That is why I asked about the ilneeses and how that affects you and possible decisions you are trying to make

CoachJenK :

forgive my typos.

Customer:

Well I feel like her illness has become my coffin so to speak, when we got married I didn't know she had any problems, 6 months after the wedding I start finding out all kinds of things

CoachJenK :

Such a tough place. Have you gotten any outside support for yourself in a counselor?

CoachJenK :

I see two issues that you are grappling with ...the marriage itself and whether you want to stay in it and compounded by the fact that you are in different places wanting children.

Customer:

I did when i was on active duty last year for the army, im in the reserves and work for the post office

CoachJenK :

I would hope that you could get back into some sort of counseling. You are at a crossroads here and feel a bit trapped on how to proceed. I am here to support you of course but I want you to have a bit more.

CoachJenK :

and thank you for your service to our country.

Customer:

I think that she was on her own for so long and made her own decisions that she just still wants it that way

Customer:

this is my third marriage and her first

Customer:

my first two marriages couldn't handle the military

CoachJenK :

you really need that safe place to process all of your feelings so you know what you want to do..stay or leave the marriage

Customer:

i know she is going to say im just being selffish if it comes to divorce

Customer:

by choosing a family over her

CoachJenK :

that could be possible that will be her view and what is your view?

CoachJenK :

The most difficult space for any couple is when their desires around children differ.

Customer:

my veiw is that i have always wanted a family which i did not hide from her, i see all my friends with their kids and wish i had one of my own

CoachJenK :

ok so you seem very clear to me!

Customer:

i want someone to teach things to, go fishing, hunting, teach them things that i know

CoachJenK :

and that is an incredible image and you deserve to have that.

Customer:

i feel like i would be missing out on a big part of like, if that makes since

CoachJenK :

yes of course it makes sense.

CoachJenK :

you are suffering I can hear it and I think it is very complicated and fraught with guilt for you because of her illness

CoachJenK :

however you proceed handle it with sensitivity and empathy.

Customer:

yes i have always done whatever to make her happy, to make sure she had whatever she wanted at the cost of my happiness

CoachJenK :

yes and now I hear that this is not something you can sacrifice.

Customer:

i wish i could but a part of me just can't let the family thought go

CoachJenK :

I am not suggesting at all that you should sacrifice it.

Customer:

the big problem is going to come if it comes to divorce i'm goingto be screwed because she doesnt work and has no income

Customer:

she is trying to get disability but nothing as of yet

CoachJenK :

you have so much to think about I feel for you. There is much that you will have to deal with if you proceed with it.

CoachJenK :

Can you get any support from the military now to see someone?

Customer:

not now because i'm not on active duty

CoachJenK :

What a shame!!!! That I do not understand!

Customer:

i feel like im a roomate and a check for her

CoachJenK :

ok, so lets make a plan for yourself. maybe writing down for yourself your desires...your wants and your needs.

CoachJenK :

The pros and cons for staying and the pros and cons for leaving.

Customer:

she takes care of all the money and i see none of it except to fill my vehicle to get to work

CoachJenK :

Maybe if you do that for yourself it will become more clear for you as to what avenue you want to pursue.

Customer:

yeah i think your right

CoachJenK :

and you're an army guy so you know how to take care of things and that is the man you need to get back to. He is in there but he is suffering a bit.

Customer:

yes he is

CoachJenK :

I feel it. I want you to find that man...the capable one, the loving one and the one that knows what he wants from his life. You deserve that and you deserve to have what you want.

CoachJenK :

You have served your country well and it is now time for you to take care of yourself.

Customer:

yes i agree, i think im just to nice sometimes and that i feel like i have to take care of her because we are married and just repress my feelings

CoachJenK :

yes and all of that makes you the gentleman that you are. But even if you pursue your dream you can still be that gentleman with her and make sure she is alright but still take care of your needs.

Customer:

very true, thanks for listening

CoachJenK :

It has been my pleasure. You can come back anytime and ask for me and you will get me. If our time together was helpful please click accept.

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1773
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
Coach Jen K. and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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