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Suzanne
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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Very bad breakup, I was falsely accused by my fiancee and was

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Very bad breakup, I was falsely accused by my fiancee and was thrown in jail for 3 days, there is a restraining order on me and on top of it now he wont return my personal belongings. He places my items in storage, drops off the keys and now we discover that I am not allowed to vacate the storage, he was supposed to return a motorcycle except he drops it off but takes the keys with him. He is living with his new girlfriend and left me with nothing but the broken pieces of this traumatic event. What do you think? I don't want to see him but I am feeling so betrayed and wish to move on. What do you think?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cathy replied 2 years ago.

Cathy :

Hi, are you there? You know I think in order to give you the best possible answer we would need more information from you. What happened that you were locked up for three days? What did he accuse you of that this resulted. I am so sorry to hear what you have been through. If you feel comfortable enough share this additional information and we will be happy to help you as best we can. Warm regards XXXXX XXXXX hope you feel better soon. Cathy

Customer:

Hi Cathy, he said was stalking him in the midst of me suing him in another state, naturally I am going to sue him after the case is over but he was my partner for 7 whole years. His best friend introduced him to someone new and he had an affair, left me for her, came home with body guards, not sure why the bodyguards, emptied or 7000 sq ft apartment and after I left town and came back almost 3 weeks later, I get arrested for stalking and had to spend 3 days in jail as part of their cool down domestic violence procedure, after I got out and hired attorneys, they automatically gave him a restraining order. I flew back to NY and filed a restraining order against him immediately and after going to court several times, me of course not being present around him....he now decided to play games with my belongings in our NY apartment and not returning the motorcycle keys to our bike in Miami...

Cathy :

I see. First of all, I am just so sorry about this. And yes of course you should sue him after you are safe from further legal action. And yes of course you were so played here that there is no question why you feel betrayed. Yes, of course. If you want to know what I think, I am afraid you wont like my response so very much, but here goes

Cathy :

First off, rest assured. It is of little comfort to you to know this (and I know that right now you need) but many of us have experienced what you have just lived through. I know it is unusual to be carted off to jail but yes many of us have experienced a blindside the way you describe him treating you. I know. I know this provides you with so little comfort but the truth is, a lot of people have endured this.

Cathy :

That said, you have every reason to be in pain and I am sure it is more like agony. Seven years is a long time to be with someone and trust someone implicitly and then you woke up one day and it was all gone. I completely and totally get how rotten that felt.

Cathy :

I wish I could give you comforting words and tell you that you will wake up tomorrow and all will be fine but the fact is that he has moved on (and treated you quite miserably in doing so) and you have to find a way to cope with this.

Cathy :

A few things should help you. One is that when we fall in love we are a little bit intoxicated.Okay no we are a lot intoxicated. We feel safe for one thing. It really does not matter what happens to us. We have a bad day at work and that does not matter, Boss in a bad mood? no problem, Car breaks down, no problem. If we are in love we feel as if we can cope with anything because we are in love, in this heightened state of happiness or at the very least, safety and we feel as if we can just win over anything, anyone.

Cathy :

we all do this

Cathy :

Next up. When we are with someone we love we condition ourselves in our fantasies about our own lives. We see every situation and every life event with that person present. We see ourselves in bed together, on vacation together and every holiday and life event together. So its as if we train our brains to think we cannot breathe without that person.

Cathy :

Eventually we think we cannot live without them and we will never love another and heck we might not even be able to breathe or have our hearts beat without them. The fact is that it has nothing to do with the object of our affection but rather all a creation of our very very fertile imagination and brain and the smarter you are the worse it is when it comes to this.

Cathy :

We have also been taught and conditioned all of our lives to strive to and cling to that which we desire. Human relationships though are just the opposite of all other achievements. The more we cling to people, the more we try to hold on the more we drive the other person away. It is exactly the opposite of everything we are taught.

Cathy :

For example, if we learn to play piano we are taught that the more we practice and the harder try the better we will become and that is true when it comes to most achievements. Naturally we learn this lesson as children and we believe the same should apply in relationships. It just is not the same.

Cathy :

I know you have lost some property here and you mention a motorcycle. I know that is very expensive stuff and I can well understand why this irks you so much, but you might have to kiss the stuff good bye to move on with your life and heal. If not, leave it to your attorneys to handle. He is not at all trying to hold on (as much as I know you are holding out hope he is), he is just being a miserable being.

Cathy :

I can see from your post that you are both smart and thoughtful. You are also (and I know this will make you chafe but I have to say it, very young at age 30

Cathy :

brb

Cathy :

You know JA has just let me know that they would prefer another expert respond to you on this, so let me bow out and allow just that. In the interim, take good care of you and feel better soon. I wish you only the best on this and I know that in time you will feel better. Take good care. Cathy

Expert:  Suzanne replied 2 years ago.

Just so that I'm clear, are you asking advice on how to leave this relationship behind and move on with your life, or are you wanting him to come back to you?

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I want to move on. I have moved on but he is holding me back with all of this pettyness.
How can I deal with this? Everytime my lawyer writes a letter it costs me $$$ so I am trying to gain a better insight into the mind of a disgusting human being who purposely had me arrested in front of my son. I will never forgive him for this. I will never go back to him. What is worse is that he went through the same thing with his ex wife who "put him in jail over domestic violence and I was there to comfort him during the time he went to jail and had to attend domestic violence classes as part of his plea deal" - My issue right now, he opens up a mini storage, puts my items in there at my attorney's request, I show up and can't gather my items, I am not authorized and he refused to give me the main gate card key which would allow me to come and go without hesitation. Instead, he wants me to sign in and out of this facility and he does not want me to have the ability to close out and vacate the storage unit once I recuperate my items. Makes no sense as I do not want to provide my exact times to him. He even hired a private investigator to follow me around and put a tracking device in my car. I had to get a private investigator to do counter surveillance after I got out of jail and he confirmed that I was being followed. Top it off with the ex embarrasing in front of my lawyers by accusing my attorney, who has helped me enormously of "being in love with me" - which is simply not relevant to the case and has no baring on anything. In a nutshell...and I do feel like a nut whenever I have to encounter anything regarding him, I want to not deal with him on these personal items and move on expeditiously. What would you suggest? He gives me something but holds on to something else and makes my life miserable.Regards.
Expert:  Suzanne replied 2 years ago.

You may not like this answer, but if your true desire is to be done with this guy, here it is..

This sounds like it might come down to a choice between your stuff and your sanity. He's using manipulation to control you. It might be worth just walking away from the possessions. That way, the money you would have spent on lawyers you can use to buy yourself things that have no emotional ties to him. I'm sure it would hurt to walk away from the items, but not as much as the continued contact and manipulation from him seems to be hurting you. He can only hurt you as long as you remain attached to the "things"...walk away from them, and he loses his power.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I can't walk away from $100,000....since there is a restraining order in place....what message can I convey to my attorneys to convey to his attorneys so that he can understand that I truly am finished with him and I have no desire to return to him...ever, ever again. I agree and I did think of this option you offer but it is too much $$$ to walk away from and I am sitting on a motorcycle with no keys in a rented garage....any suggestions or words that I can put into a letter would be most helpful....very best regards XXXXX XXXXX you for the email.
Expert:  Suzanne replied 2 years ago.

The only thing I can think of is to let your lawyers draft the letter themselves ...having the letter in "legalese" should convey that you are good and truly done. If you write it, he will read between the lines, and it will be really hard for you to compose one that doesn't have any emotion in it, after all you're been through.

 

You may want to write to one of our motorcycle experts and see if a new key/lock mechanism can be made for a motorcycle...as long as you can prove ownership of the bike, there shouldn't be a problem doing that. It might cost you a bit, but certainly less than having to have contact again to ask for it.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Do you offer online or Skype consultations?
Thank you for your answer.
I do agree and am enlightnened...that...yes...it is about control for him....I am just so emotionally drained and everything is great until I open my special legal email account for all my legal mumbo jumbo.
I am quite traumatized with the whole experience. It sickens me that he continues to pester me with petty things. The latest...he refuses to provide an access card for me to gather my NYC items... how much I would love to not open that email and just walk away...unfortunately that would be wishful thinking. I am now ever more frustrated as he is refusing to get a mutual restraining order where we both do not contact each other, ever, ever again in lieu of him dropping the fake stalking charges...which is ludacris b/c it would end the torment that this is causing....I would want so much to get mutual restraining orders and never deal with the ex again...sadly he is refusing....ahhhh....very, very disappointing. Any thoughts?
Expert:  Suzanne replied 2 years ago.

Just Answer doesn't offer Skype yet...maybe someday. So for now I'll do my best to answer you using this format.

 

If I remember correctly, he was willing to give you access to the storage unit , but you would have to sign in and out i order to get through the main gate. You were reluctant to give him an accounting of your time.

 

Hire a moving company (or a smaller 2 men and a truck arrangement) and move it all out in one fell swoop. Or, if that's not possible, rent a tiny space yourself in the same storage facility for one month. They will give you the gate access card you want, and then you'll be able to move your stuff from 'his' unit a bit at a time.

 

I've never heard of a mutual restraining order. It seems we've taken this discussion about the belongings through to a conclusion. Once you've accepted the advice from Cathy, me (or both), try writing to the legal experts here at Just Answer for advice about the restraining order.

 

And when all this is behind you, consider making a few appointments with a therapist to process all that has happened, so the bitterness of this relationship doesn't poison the next one.

Please remember to click on "Accept" so I'm compensated for my work.

Thanks!

Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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