Hi, are you there? You know I think in order to give you the best possible answer we would need more information from you. What happened that you were locked up for three days? What did he accuse you of that this resulted. I am so sorry to hear what you have been through. If you feel comfortable enough share this additional information and we will be happy to help you as best we can. Warm regards XXXXX XXXXX hope you feel better soon. Cathy
Hi Cathy, he said was stalking him in the midst of me suing him in another state, naturally I am going to sue him after the case is over but he was my partner for 7 whole years. His best friend introduced him to someone new and he had an affair, left me for her, came home with body guards, not sure why the bodyguards, emptied or 7000 sq ft apartment and after I left town and came back almost 3 weeks later, I get arrested for stalking and had to spend 3 days in jail as part of their cool down domestic violence procedure, after I got out and hired attorneys, they automatically gave him a restraining order. I flew back to NY and filed a restraining order against him immediately and after going to court several times, me of course not being present around him....he now decided to play games with my belongings in our NY apartment and not returning the motorcycle keys to our bike in Miami...
I see. First of all, I am just so sorry about this. And yes of course you should sue him after you are safe from further legal action. And yes of course you were so played here that there is no question why you feel betrayed. Yes, of course. If you want to know what I think, I am afraid you wont like my response so very much, but here goes
First off, rest assured. It is of little comfort to you to know this (and I know that right now you need) but many of us have experienced what you have just lived through. I know it is unusual to be carted off to jail but yes many of us have experienced a blindside the way you describe him treating you. I know. I know this provides you with so little comfort but the truth is, a lot of people have endured this.
That said, you have every reason to be in pain and I am sure it is more like agony. Seven years is a long time to be with someone and trust someone implicitly and then you woke up one day and it was all gone. I completely and totally get how rotten that felt.
I wish I could give you comforting words and tell you that you will wake up tomorrow and all will be fine but the fact is that he has moved on (and treated you quite miserably in doing so) and you have to find a way to cope with this.
A few things should help you. One is that when we fall in love we are a little bit intoxicated.Okay no we are a lot intoxicated. We feel safe for one thing. It really does not matter what happens to us. We have a bad day at work and that does not matter, Boss in a bad mood? no problem, Car breaks down, no problem. If we are in love we feel as if we can cope with anything because we are in love, in this heightened state of happiness or at the very least, safety and we feel as if we can just win over anything, anyone.
we all do this
Next up. When we are with someone we love we condition ourselves in our fantasies about our own lives. We see every situation and every life event with that person present. We see ourselves in bed together, on vacation together and every holiday and life event together. So its as if we train our brains to think we cannot breathe without that person.
Eventually we think we cannot live without them and we will never love another and heck we might not even be able to breathe or have our hearts beat without them. The fact is that it has nothing to do with the object of our affection but rather all a creation of our very very fertile imagination and brain and the smarter you are the worse it is when it comes to this.
We have also been taught and conditioned all of our lives to strive to and cling to that which we desire. Human relationships though are just the opposite of all other achievements. The more we cling to people, the more we try to hold on the more we drive the other person away. It is exactly the opposite of everything we are taught.
For example, if we learn to play piano we are taught that the more we practice and the harder try the better we will become and that is true when it comes to most achievements. Naturally we learn this lesson as children and we believe the same should apply in relationships. It just is not the same.
I know you have lost some property here and you mention a motorcycle. I know that is very expensive stuff and I can well understand why this irks you so much, but you might have to kiss the stuff good bye to move on with your life and heal. If not, leave it to your attorneys to handle. He is not at all trying to hold on (as much as I know you are holding out hope he is), he is just being a miserable being.
I can see from your post that you are both smart and thoughtful. You are also (and I know this will make you chafe but I have to say it, very young at age 30
You know JA has just let me know that they would prefer another expert respond to you on this, so let me bow out and allow just that. In the interim, take good care of you and feel better soon. I wish you only the best on this and I know that in time you will feel better. Take good care. Cathy
Just so that I'm clear, are you asking advice on how to leave this relationship behind and move on with your life, or are you wanting him to come back to you?
You may not like this answer, but if your true desire is to be done with this guy, here it is..
This sounds like it might come down to a choice between your stuff and your sanity. He's using manipulation to control you. It might be worth just walking away from the possessions. That way, the money you would have spent on lawyers you can use to buy yourself things that have no emotional ties to him. I'm sure it would hurt to walk away from the items, but not as much as the continued contact and manipulation from him seems to be hurting you. He can only hurt you as long as you remain attached to the "things"...walk away from them, and he loses his power.
The only thing I can think of is to let your lawyers draft the letter themselves ...having the letter in "legalese" should convey that you are good and truly done. If you write it, he will read between the lines, and it will be really hard for you to compose one that doesn't have any emotion in it, after all you're been through.
You may want to write to one of our motorcycle experts and see if a new key/lock mechanism can be made for a motorcycle...as long as you can prove ownership of the bike, there shouldn't be a problem doing that. It might cost you a bit, but certainly less than having to have contact again to ask for it.
Just Answer doesn't offer Skype yet...maybe someday. So for now I'll do my best to answer you using this format.
If I remember correctly, he was willing to give you access to the storage unit , but you would have to sign in and out i order to get through the main gate. You were reluctant to give him an accounting of your time.
Hire a moving company (or a smaller 2 men and a truck arrangement) and move it all out in one fell swoop. Or, if that's not possible, rent a tiny space yourself in the same storage facility for one month. They will give you the gate access card you want, and then you'll be able to move your stuff from 'his' unit a bit at a time.
I've never heard of a mutual restraining order. It seems we've taken this discussion about the belongings through to a conclusion. Once you've accepted the advice from Cathy, me (or both), try writing to the legal experts here at Just Answer for advice about the restraining order.
And when all this is behind you, consider making a few appointments with a therapist to process all that has happened, so the bitterness of this relationship doesn't poison the next one.
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