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JaRee1993
JaRee1993, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 180
Experience:  I am a licensed Mental Health Counselor who does individual, group, relationships, family and pastoral counseling
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My husband has been abusing me physically, emotionally, verbally

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My husband has been abusing me physically, emotionally, verbally and financially. The verbal abuse started in 2007 while we were dating and he was very jealous and possessive. He would never allow me visit my family alone,. After we got married he isolated me completely from my friends and family. When I raised the concern he told me even if I don't see my family for 5 or 10 years is fine. The physical abuse started shortly after we got engaged and he would say that it is my fault that he hits me. Once I went to see my family and when he found out he insulted my sister calling her bitch and a rotten woman. In the past two weeks he has slapped and chocked me twice in two seperate incidents. The first was when I confronted him about his extamarital affairs, I found women's clothing in our house and in his car. The second incident was when I left the house went to buy our then 8weeks daughter nappies and formula. He said I left without his permisson and accussed me of galavanting in town. I opened a case of assult and applied for The Protection Order. The Interim protection Order was granted but why can't I stop feeling like I made a mistake and second guessing my decision. Why do I have hope that things will be better and he will change?

Please help
Tumi
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  JaRee1993 replied 2 years ago.

JaRee1993 :

Hi, thank you for contacting Just Answer. My name is XXXXX XXXXX I am a mental health counselor. When we are in an abusive relationship and have been told over and over that everything is our fault we begin to believe it. What I hear you saying is that even while you were dating he began to groom you to be submissive and for him to be in control. The violence is not about you, it is about him and his anger. He is an angry man and is looking for someone to take it out on. It sounds as though you are a kind and loving lady and he picked up on that from the beginning and chose you because he figured he would be able to control you. All that you are feeling is very normal, even the feeling you made a mistake and that things will get better. However, they will not get better until he gets some help. There is nothing you can do to make them better. The only thing you can do is what you are doing and that is to take care of yourself and of your children. It is very hard to walk away as you have, so many women cannot do it. So, please, instead of second guessing yourself for this brave thing you have done, be proud of yourself for stopping the abuse before he killed you or harmed your children. The other thing I want you to know is he may also try saying he is sorry, promising it will never happen again and he may sound sincere, however, it is just another plan to get you back under his control. Do not fall for it please. I would like for you to find a counselor you can talk with on a regular basis to assist you with seeing what the real issue is, which is him, not you and who can help you gain your self esteem and skills you need to let go of the guilt and pain and build a good life for you and your children. I hold great admiration for you and your courage and I do know how hard it is as I am not only a counselor, I am a domestic violence survivor who now has a wonderful life.


Please let me know if I can assist you further in this. If this answer has helped you then please press the Accept button at the bottom of the page so that I can be paid by Just Answer. Also, please fill out the feedback form so that I can know how to better serve our customers. Again, thank you for contacting Just Answer.


 

Customer:

In your experience do they really change if they get help? I have done everthing for him and basically my life revolves around him, but it looks like the more I give the more he wants. It is now to a point where I feel like I am crazy. In the month Jan 2012 and December 2011, I have left the house not more that 6 times, trying to avoid confrontations and accusations, basically pleasing him. The one time I left without asking for his permission he slapped and choked me. I feel trapped.

JaRee1993 :

Sometimes they change, sometimes they don't. If they do change it is after some real counseling working on their issues with anger and whatever else it is that causes them to do what they do. You cannot help him or change him. You can only get the help you need to assist you in not feeling trapped and being able to move on to build a good life for you and your children. Please do not let this feeling of being trapped keep you from getting the help you need to rebuild your life and provide a good safe home for you and the children. Do you have access to a mental health counselor?

Customer:

No I don't at this stage. I will start as soon as possible.

Customer:

With protection order in place is it me or the margistrate that insists that he gets counselling?

JaRee1993 :

It would be you. If there are charges filed against him they will also require him to get counseling. In the mean time please find a counselor for yourself to assist you with working through all of this. You are a brave woman but you need someone who can be there to encourage and support you mentally and emotionally. Please take care of yourself.


Please let me know if I can assist you further in this. If this answer has helped you then please press the Accept button at the bottom of the page so that I can be paid by Just Answer. Also, please fill out the feedback form so that I can know how to better serve our customers. Again, thank you for contacting Just Answer.

Customer:

Yes I have laid a charge of assault against him as well and most definately I will get counselling myself, but I am afraid he is going to exhaust the medical aid fund like usual. Unless I cancel him, but I don't know if this is be legal at this stage. I am the one paying the contributions for the whole family.

Customer:

I have previously insisted that he gets professional help (that is talking to someone ) but he said he doesn't have a problem and he is taking psychiatric treatment for depression, he takes anti-depressants and sleeping pills.

JaRee1993, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 180
Experience: I am a licensed Mental Health Counselor who does individual, group, relationships, family and pastoral counseling
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