can you recommend any good books to read to help with our problem. My husbands family cut us out of their circuit. Basically they favour their daughter and find any excuse to leave us out of things. My husband and I have lots of very good friends, so I feel sure it is not because we are horrible people. I feel that they find fault with us to justify them not including us. The problem is that much as we would just love to walk away from this, my husband loves his family a lot and is extremely hurt by their actions. They make a big fuss of their daughters husband which I think is partially to hurt my husbands feeling and yet this same husband has systematically declared that he wont have anything to do with all other members of the extended family (aunts, uncles and cousins). We do want to find a way to cope with this hurt and still try and have contact whilst maintaing our dignity. Thanks.
Talking with the family members and sought advice from a psychologist and to how to approach it. The psychologist did say the situation would probably never change as my parents-in-law clearly viewed their daughter as a Princess who could do no wrong. He suggested that we would just have to accept it and move on - but we dont know how! Talking with family members got nowhere as they said we were wrong to seek advice, the advice was bad and that we are just troublemakers.
This issue needs to be confronted in order to get solved. It is very difficult when your family cuts you out of their lives, not including you. You expect your family to be there for you no matter what happens. But there must be a reason for their actions and this needs to be talked about and not ignored. There is no solution to just walking away from your husbands family because he doesn't understand what has happened and it upset both of you. When you get married you expect to have a life full of love and understanding. Family is important to your husband and it is unfair that he should be cut out of the circuit. They can think their daughter is wonderful and her husband, but they also have to understand that they have a son that is very upset. Some times people do not realize when they cut someone out of their life. They need to be told that you are both hurt and feel excluded from their lives. You do not want to mention about their daughter of husband because this is about you and your husband and how you both feel. I want you to think about something that might of happened and this will help to understand what is causing the problem. It could be something that can be solved. Some times it is something you least expect and this is why you should never guess what it is, it needs to address so you both know and can solve this problem. You can't just move on from your family that you love I'm sure your husband is very hurt by this and need to talk about it. If you have any more questions I am here to answer.
Thanks for that. As I mentioned, we have had talks with my husbands parents which have really just gone around in circles and have even consulted a psychologist. So I what I really was wanting at this point was to know if there are any books that you could recommend on this type of issue, so that I can sit down and have a good read and a ponder! Thanks.szaxxxxxxxxxxxqWWWWWWWWWWWWWW Woops, that was the cat...
Are you still interested in an answer? I have a few books that might apply. I just need to be sure of what you two want. Do you want to spend a lot of time with his parents or keep your distance from them while maintaining a positive relationship with them?
15 years teaching people to have satisfying relationships.
Hi there, thanks for your reply. We would like to maintain contact and be able to see them maybe once a fortnight. We do want a positive relationship, but I guess the essence of our problem will always remain - i.e. we will always be on the outer and not the favoured people. So what we need is to find a way to accept our situation and not feel bitter about it. We cant change them (we have tried talking to them quite a bit) so we need to change how we deal with it ourselves.
You two have done very well, by acknowledging that his parents probably won't change. Accepting that they have this particular flaw is half of the solution. Here is a book that I have recommended to several people. It helps a person become less emotionally invested in their relationship with their parents. It is Divorcing a Parent by Harold H. Bloomfield M.D. I know the title sounds like the book is about never talking to your parents again, but it's not. In the book, he guides a person through all of the thoughts and emotions and social pressures they may experience when trying to separate from their parents emotionally. You might also try his book entitled Making Peace with Your Parents. Feel free to write me again after you purchase a book, even if it's not one that I suggested.