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JaRee1993
JaRee1993, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 180
Experience:  I am a licensed Mental Health Counselor who does individual, group, relationships, family and pastoral counseling
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I am not sure about my relationship with this friend of mine.

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I am not sure about my relationship with this friend of mine. We had a bit of an intensely emotional relationship last year which has ended (I am married/he is not) but we still talk on occasion and text a couple of times a week. The friendship is primarily a lot of teasing but sometimes it can get very mean. I told him something in confidence and asked him not to talk about the subject to a mutual friends who he will be going out to drinks with later this week. His response was "I can't control what I say when I've been drinking." When I told him to just be nice and reassure me that he won't say anything his replied (via text) "I would rather us both die than you live." Now, obviously he is joking but on the other hand that seems a little harsh. Do you think this is symptomatic of some underlying anger with me? In that case, why would he just not cut off all communications?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  JaRee1993 replied 2 years ago.

JaRee1993 :

Hi, thank you for contacting Just Answer. My name is XXXXX XXXXX I am a mental health counselor. It sounds very much like there is some underlying anger and the remark was very mean and a little unsettling for me as a counselor. It sounded very much like a threat that you maybe should take a little more serious. I'm not saying it was, but, I would not dismiss the possibility. Many times when a relationship, especially an intense emotional one, breaks up or changes one of the party may feel rejected, yet cannot walk away from the relationship, however, they will try to get back at the other party sometimes in small ways, sometimes these way escalate into a dangerous situation. Is any of this making sense to you? I will be waiting for your response. Thank you, Ja`Ree


 

Customer:

Hi,

Customer:

I understand what you are saying but I don't feel any potential threat from him. He just has a very dark sense of humor and I don't actually understand his anger with me as I didn't reject him...he rejected me.

JaRee1993 :

I understand, emotions are rarely logical. Have you thought about trying to talk openly and honestly about this and just ask him if he is angry? Often we vent our anger in such a way that when we are confronted with the situation by the other party we can just say say I was just joking, but we are really getting our anger out. How do you want to handle it with him?

Customer:

I'm not sure. To be honest, I don't really understand his behavior toward me. We were very good friends (exchanged about 15/20 emails a day for a year) and then at a party a couple of months ago he was very flirtatious with me and I think we might have left together but a friend told me to think twice and we left separately. That night I sent him an email saying let's just call this what it is and stop pretending. He said he had no idea what I was talking about and he had not interest or thoughts in taking our relationship in that direction. I was relieved because I could have made a big mistake but told him I was hurt that if he didn't feel that way then he probably should not have given that impression because we were friends first. We didn't talk for a couple of weeks but have slowly built our friendship back (largely driven by me). Whenever I email he responds immediately and he still talks to me about what is bothering him and what is going on with him. But occasionally there are these flashes of real anger that take me by surprise.

JaRee1993 :

I do have a question that I am not sure you want to answer, but I hope you will. Does your husband know about the relationship, because it sounds to me as though you are in love with this guy and it does not sound as though he is an emotionally stable individual. Did your frined tell you why you should not leave with him?

Customer:

I think you are probably right and I am really struggling with this. My husband does not know and I have no intention or plans to leave my husband who I do love and who I have built a wonderful life with. I don't know why I am so enamored with this guy who I think you're correct is a emotionally a bit of a loose cannon. My friend said I shouldn't leave with him because I am married and she knows I love my husband and I would regret it. She loves me and I know wants what is best for me so I left with her. I keep thinking that I could let this go if I knew what this guy wanted from me.

JaRee1993 :

Many times guys keep us hanging around for their ego and play the mind games that keep us there. It really doesn't matter what he wants from you, what matters is your wanting to keep your relationship with your husband. You never know when he or someone else will say something to your husband and think of the damage that would do to your relationship with him. I am more concerned what it is that keeps you going back and wish that you would find someone to talk to on a regular basis to help you sort through this and then let it go before you ruin your relationship with your husband. There is something with in you that keeps you going back and I truly recommend you find someone to talk with to out you figure out what it is and work through it. You can call your local mental health board for a list of counselors. If money is a problem the board can give you the name and number of an agency that goes by your income. Please step out of this relationship and take care of you and your relationship with your husband so that you can truly be happy.


Please let me know if I can assist you further in this. If this answer has helped you then please press the Accept button at the bottom of the page so that I can be paid by Just Answer. Also, please fill out the feedback form so that I can know how to better serve our customers. Again, thank you for contacting Just Answer. Ja`Ree

Customer:

I appreciate that. I am pretty sure what keeps me going back. He is emotionally abusive and rejecting and I have long standing issues (my father committed suicide in front of my brother and I when I was ten). I obviously feel that if I can make this guy happy that I can "fix" my past and I know that this is not a path I should go down. I feel like that he obviously did have real feelings for me and that I messed that up and so I am wallowing in his anger as a sign of some emotion toward me. I just don't know how to stop.

JaRee1993 :

The only way you are going to be able to stop is to get the ongoing help you need professionally, and you need to do it before you destroy your marriage. this is not an issue that can be worked through messaging because the issues come from your childhood you need to get involved with a counselor that can give you the support and encouragement you need to move out of the past into the present and build the kind of life you want and deserve with your husband. Please call your local mental health board on Monday and get the help you need. You will be in my thoughts.


Please let me know if I can assist you further in this. If this answer has helped you then please press the Accept button at the bottom of the page so that I can be paid by Just Answer. Also, please fill out the feedback form so that I can know how to better serve our customers. Again, thank you for contacting Just Answer.


 

Customer:

Thank you.

JaRee1993, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 180
Experience: I am a licensed Mental Health Counselor who does individual, group, relationships, family and pastoral counseling
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