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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1744
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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I dont seem to find the right balance with men, in the beginning

Resolved Question:

I don't seem to find the right balance with men, in the beginning they are always keen as I am an attractive 41 year old with a good figure, but after that things always seem to go wrong, I just don't seem to be able to hold their interest for long enough, is there something wrong with me. Just recently an old friend of mine met me for a drink after 20 years not seeing him and he was so full on and it seemed from the word go it was how much he wanted me and was wanting me to reciprocate, things wre so awkward between us from the first time he kissed me, it just didn't seem right but after the second date I started to fall for him in a big way. Now after just 3 weeks he says that he respects me too much and I am too special to him and his family to just have sex and he will leave London in may anyway.. He told me that I was the love of his life, things happen for a reason and romanced me with his texts over and over... what went wrong? he is going through a divorce after 16 years of marriage, is based in Nottinghamshire but travels all over, one of the reasons his marriage broke down amongst infidelity issues.. what should I do?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hello, thank for joining me. Please forgive any typos as I get very immersed in my work with you and sometimes my brain goes faster than my fingers.

Customer:

Hello

CoachJenK :

I can't say that anything is wrong with you whatsoever. It could be a simple matter of chemistry and timing of things.

Customer:

When you say chemistry to you mean there is lack off

CoachJenK :

This old friend of yours is also going through a lot right now and may not be able to give of himself freely and so that is why he needs to take a step back.

CoachJenK :

sometimes the fit just isn't right. doesn't mean you aren't attractive and interesting, it could just be the fit is off. the other thing is I can see how willing you are to place the blame on yourself that there must be something wrong with you, but that may not be the case at all...the men may have their own issues totally unrelated to you but I can understand how it could feel like that for you

Customer:

Well he says that he and his ex are still good friends because they have a daughter aged 16 who he loves dearly and is devoted to but his work keeps him away alot, now especially he is very pre-occuppied with his work and he said that on both occassions that he was going to see me he screwed up!

Customer:

He said that he did want me though, "god did I " he said but I just feel that prehaps this was all about sex for six months and nothing else.

CoachJenK :

Lots going on there for sure. I always like to say that it is important not to lose sight of yourself when trying to find love. Do the things you enjoy and live your life and you just may find that person who shares your interests and desires by participating in the activities that you love

CoachJenK :

Well there is that type of chemistry too...all sex and maybe he just cannot commit to anything more right now so it becomes a matter of what you can handle and what you want out of a relationship. I think the focus needs to be a bit more on you rather than on the guys you are dating.

Customer:

He really led me on , he introduced me as th love of his life to his friend and said that I would be spending alot of time with him etc, holding my hands when we heard this special song from years back to remind me how good things were I suppose, that this was something special.. feeling so let down and deceived.

CoachJenK :

I understand and it really convinces me that he has a lot going on and a lot of unresolved issues. I do think he feels those things for you but just may be unable to give you his all

Customer:

He always said text him nice things, when I did he seemed to clam up and dismiss what I had said like he didn't like it.

CoachJenK :

again he wants what he wants but you need to focus on what you want.

Customer:

Prehaps I should have been more mature, he did say on the phone that he has looked at the whole picture and that I live in London now at home with my 2 young boys and that in May he would be gone off on another project in Dublin.

CoachJenK :

Please stop putting yourself down or looking at yourself as the problem.

Customer:

This was after he had text me that he just wanted to be friends more than anything and that he was sorry but this would just end up in tears for both of us.

CoachJenK :

well then please take his cues and lets get you to a place where you can enjoy someone else who has the ability to be mutual

Customer:

After he text me from the Olympic park on thurs I asked him to call me next week when it was better for him, should I have?

CoachJenK :

you should always be true to your desires so there is nothing wrong with putting your feelings out there. But if they are not coming back to you then it is time to take care of you.

Customer:

I just wanted to talk to him so I could move on from this, I do want our friendship to stay as I hold alll his brothers and his sister, (was my best friend), dear to my heart, I knew his mum and dad too.. this is heartbreaking on all levels you see my predicament?

CoachJenK :

Yes I do and i understand your feelings. So when he calls let him know how you feel so you can get some closure to this space with him

Customer:

What if he doesn't call? should I email him, I know how men hate confrontations or should I say the BIG conversation even if it is over the phone.

CoachJenK :

You can decide which way feels right for YOU to get this closure. If he doesn't call then you can always email.

Customer:

Any advice on what NOT to say in this email? thanks x

CoachJenK :

I would say that it is always best to be open about your feelings and so I believe in sharing what is in your heart. what not to say? I don't have anything that comes to mind that is off limits...you ahve a long andinvolved history and so all feelings should be accepted.

Customer:

Just one thing I would love to know, why did he say all those things if he was leaving anyway? Why did he rush into things so quickly? He did say to me that it wasn't planned but when he saw me he thought, Wow! and during our first conversation he asked my permission to kiss me, It was like a roller coaster of emotions all tied to gether in just 3 weeks..

CoachJenK :

exactly right. A roller coaster for him too. I believe all that he said and feels for you are true but the timing is off.

Customer:

Yes I suppose it was, he came to London Bridge to just see me as a friend, then he returned home and was texting me like a teenager till he returned the following Thursday he met me on the previous Tuesday.. and by the following Monday was the last time I saw him, it got pretty and intense and emotional that night though but he was so lovely and we had agteed that I cook him dinner at his flat as I cook well. Then it was all called off coz of work. Thursday he was really ill with flu (which he said I was over concerned about), felt so stupid when he said that. and then he was so snowed under with work and slowly he became more and more distant until I recieved those messages to say that he wanted us to be friends more than anything etc.. The first 2 dates he had said things like " I hope this works and "this will work"... so you can imagine how let down I feel.

CoachJenK :

I do imagine and I understand you pain. Please take a step back for now and see where things fall naturally. If you don't hear from him and want to email then do so. If you feel I have been helpful please click accept and provide feedback too.

Customer:

I do need to tell you that I came from an abusive relationship of 20 years in Greece before returning to the Uk ill and it took me 2 years to get my health back, this guy knew this and he knew how bad my ex was too, and seemed so please to see me so well again.

CoachJenK :

more important then for you to take care of yourself.

Customer:

You don't think that he was insensitive then? or does he not really understand the concept of how he has handled things, he does seem to be so work driven and away with the fairies as they say at times.

CoachJenK :

can't say about what his motives are but I can say it sounds like he has feelings but timing may be off. A step back from this would be helpful as you cannot wonder and guess about every thing.

Customer:

Yes I agree with you, you have been most helpful, I am currently under counselling but wanted a further opinion from a female therapist. Thank you for your time.

CoachJenK :

It has been my pleasure and I am glad you have a therapist. Come back for more support anytime. I hope I have been helpful, if so please click accept. Enjoy a wonderful day.

Customer:

Do you think my insecurites are effecting my relationships though with men? he did suggest that I was massively insecure!

CoachJenK :

I would want you to delve into that with your therapist.

Customer:

Ok thanks but wanted your opinion too in general?

CoachJenK :

I don't like to go on what he says i would rather you look at it within yourself and see if it rings true for yourself not because he said it. So please do that and connect with your therapist around it.

Customer:

ok

CoachJenK :

Take good care of yourself.

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1744
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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